Azam's Fatwa
Viagra is not the solution

Ocotber 11, 2005
iranian.com

My friends and acquaintances have always been curious as to why, unlike most middle-aged Iranian women, I am not bothered by the fact that some of the Iranian brothers in my age group marry very young mail order brides from Iran.  Not to toot my own horn (okay, I will this time), but my theories have been proven time and again as I’ve observed the outcome of these marriages over the years.

Interestingly, many of my highly educated, successful and cultured middle-age male friends do not desire marrying the younger professionals who actually live here!  Before you give them credit for being sweet and reasonable because they prefer  someone their own age, remember their motives. They have worked hard for their money and do not want to lose it to (here you want to say why they’d lose it… for example: don’t want to lose it to some resentful young woman who’s grown wiser and realizes she can take ½ of his money because she lives in the U.S.) So instead, they prefer successful middle age women because most likely these sisters make good money, have their own homes, bank accounts and pension funds. Makes sense to me too.

An acquaintance, a heated debate and a TV show inspired me to share my feelings on this subject once and for all.

When I saw her recently, she was conversing in a heated debate about Iranian men marrying what mature Iranian woman have affectionately dubbed these barely-of-legal-age brides as “kiddies”. In a sincere effort to lighten the looming disharmony I made a few politically correct comments while trying not to burst into laughter but closed my spiel with my personalized version of a trendy joke I had read by saying that I am beautiful, smart, educated, spiritual and successful but would not marry anyway so they could all eat their heart out. I closed with “If I ever decide to hook up with a brother on a Saturday night, let’s hope he is a tall and sexy Kurd with a head full of gray hair who can recite poems in Farsi!” Everyone laughed (my intended objective met) and throughout the night I repeatedly overheard “….so you can eat your hearts out!” followed by light-hearted laughter.

I caught Zari’s eyes and saw her lips moving. I knew she had something to say So I dashed towards her and she lowered her voice as she said “You  #@!& with those beautiful eyes and that sexy smile you can sell sour milk to the cows !”

I coyly laugh and knowingly asked “Zari jaan what are you talking about?” But she was on to me and without a beat responded with a sarcastic “ Go away bitch!  You can fool those idiots but I know better! I know you are smart enough to know that most of these middle-aged men have  illnesses and shriveled up male organs that even a forklift can not keep up… so you play smooth by taking their sides because you know there is nothing good about them… and remember, Vigara is just a temporary solution anyway.  Asking for a tall, sexy Kurd just shows what a #@%& smart-ass you are! Besides, smart women know that Kurds are brave and fearless, love independent women since they grew up with brave women… and of course they are famous for having large packages.”

What else could I do but  burst into laughter and teased her further by saying “I suppose you are going to tell me Isfahani men repulse me because they have small tools?” To which she responded “No, the smart #%@$ in you knows that most of them are cheap, overly aggressive and no matter how educated they are and where they live, they are the most backward religious fanatics!” 

I felt compelled to share my experience with her by saying, “Honest to God, Zari jaan, I never thought about the size of the tools but I have always had great experiences when dealing with Kurds. They are polite, generous, educated, brave and absolutely great looking!” Then I remembered that my first boyfriend at age 14 was a Kurd. My only intimate moment was a tender peck on my right cheek, as our servant kept a look out in the alley.  I had turned my head so Asghar could kiss my cheek. Unfortunately, he had eaten kabob and onions that day, so my first kiss was not a sweet memory. I’m convinced that is the reason I developed a neurotic obsession about having good breath at all times.

Zari’s earlier comment about Viagra being a short-term solution reminded me of when I had come home late one morning and watched a program on HBO that dealt with older men using Viagra while visiting a legally operated whorehouse in Nevada. The minute I saw the preview I felt compelled to watch this intriguing program.

You see I am not a fan of any kind of medicine (even though I read about every new drug on the market because I am very much into healing and cures). I had often said that Viagra is not a miracle drug and like every other drug in the U.S., the horrible side effects will be discovered once a few die.

In any case, the story covered a whorehouse showing several different prostitutes. Some veterans who had been in this business for more than 15 years and the youngest who had bee there 5 years and was one of the most popular among clients.

The topic of conversation was none other but “older men”. These prostitutes all said that most older gentlemen would get a hard on but could not finish the job.

I continued to watch the next segment.

A few really old guys with dyed hair and wrinkled faces entered this place and looking arrogantly into the camera announcing proudly that they had taken Vigara!

The best part was the actual scene when their less than attractive assess lay naked on the bed with these poor prostitutes trying every technique to bring them to culmination. The scenes were so comical I was roaring with laughter and ended up with hick ups from laughing so hard. The camera rolled and showed every technique they tried and then the best part happened. Time was up and the loud speaker announced the name of the prostitute ant that her time was up. Meaning, someone was watching the clock!

My mind couldn’t help but picture one of my Iranian brothers and his innocent virginal mail order bride in that situation!

While we are on the subject of virginal maidens ... I love the wit of my people who have so many good jokes about these presumably innocent and never touched girls.

Let me tell you two good ones.

An Iranian man went to Iran to fetch his bride chosen by his family.  Being an educated and modern man, he decided to be honest and place her demands in front of the prospective bride so he said

“When I marry you and take you to America, ever morning you must make me complete Iranian breakfast with cheese, tea, butter, jam and hot bread, whether I am home or not.

She said fine.

At lunch you will set the table with compete Iranian dishes to include, khoresh, rice, yogurt, pickles, and fresh vegetables, whether I am home or not.

She said fine.

At dinner, you will again set the table with a few types of meat stew, rice, fresh vegetables, pickles and yogurt drink, whether I am home or not.

She said fine.

Okay my dear, since I am a modern Iranian man and believe in fairness, now that I have told you my requirements; please tell me what you expect from me.

“I need to be screwed three times a day, whether you are home or not”, she said!

I am certain you love the witty perspective on these marriages and I know you are dying to read one more. So here is another one to entertain you….

An Iranian man went to Iran to find a good bride because all of the Iranian women living abroad had experience and knew what a penis was!

He got dressed every day and went to see the eligible young ladies who were eagerly waiting to be viewed by him.

After the greetings and general talks with the family members, he would ask to be alone with the prospective bride for a few minutes. Once alone, he would unzip his pants and ask,  ”What is this?” Everyone responded with “It’s a penis.”

He became really frustrated.

Just when he was ready to give up, it was suggested that he visit one last candidate. Sure enough when he unzipped his pants and asked the young lady what the exposed organ was. She said, “ It’s a wiener.” 

He was overjoyed at her innocence and knew that this was the perfect woman to be his wife.

He married her and brought her to the U.S.  A few months later, she asked  “ I am curious with all those beautiful eligible and willing girls, why you choose me?”

He responded with “Because they were all unbelievably shameless and knew what a penis was.  But you were the only one who was innocent enough to call it a wiener.”

She burst into uncontrollable laughter and said “Sweetheart in comparison to what I had seen before, yours was a wiener!”

Okay, now let’s get serious.

Zari had a great point and her viewpoint matched my theories.

Let’s face it, most middle-age Iranian men (especially the highly successful ones) work late hours, eat red meat and fatty food, and do not exercise. They have a whole host of problems including high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes (thanks to all those Iranian pastries that can be bought from stores or can be eaten at parties). As a result of their high-pressure lifestyle to make money to keep up with Mammad and Abolfazl (most likely now called Mike and Abol), they are either impotent or have some degree of difficulty sexually.

It does not take Einstein to figure that these younger women (while waiting to get their green cards, have breast implants, nose jobs and perhaps learn English) would be really happy just to be married to Mr. Engineer who has a nice car and a house and go to grocery stores to buy ton of food and not worry about the cost and get to wear the nice clothes (which he chooses and buys for her) to show off to other mail order brides. I can always tell when I meet them for the first time because they look with such curiosity when they are introduced to me and I catch their eyes scanning me from head to toe because they find independent women fascinating and unreal at the same time. They usually ask about my clothes, jewelry and make up and when I mention my son their eyes roll because I guess I do not look like a mom 

Let’s face it, being with someone inexperienced is less demanding and our brother’s ego remains intact.

A mature, experienced woman knows what she wants and because she does not need him financially, she looks for compatibility in other areas for example, great sex! If a brother has a problem performing, no matter how conciliatory we may be; he is smart enough to know the problem is solely his. With a young bride, he’ll easily imply that there is something wrong with her and she’s made to feel like she a cold fish!

So my dear sisters, do not fret because you are not losing anything. You are saving your self from having to play nurse to a middle-age moody, unhealthy man who will continue to be unhealthy despite all of the warnings. Instead, you can simply be doing all of the things you enjoy most!

And if you’re really bothered by all of this, then ask yourself why? If it’s because you think there’s an imbalance and that “he” can do this because he’s a man, think again. What keeps you from getting yourself a young mail order husband? Nothing!

If you’re asking “how?” just join one of those Iranian singles sites. Lay out all of your requirements (make sure the ability to read, speak and write English as well as being able to drive are among your requirements).

Then review all the eligible men’s résumés. Talk to the most qualified ones making sure your e-mails are not in “Finglish” because you will not know whether he is knows English well or not otherwise.

Ask questions about everything in life.  Find out how they feel about independent women who make a small difference in the world. How do they feel about women who cannot cook (or do not want to cook). Buyers beware! If all of his answers are perfect, too perfect then reject that brother because he is a smart man who will tell you what he wants you to believe (their answers will range from ”Oh, I adore outspoken women who can stand up to men.” Or, An independent woman with a busy life style does not have time to cook and that is fine, I will cook).

So just how do you figure out if he’s Mr. Right Mail order? When talking to these eligible mail order husbands, pay attention to their tone of voice and if they sound arrogant, insincere or say things like  “From the moment I heard your voice, my heart began to beat.” You’ve got yourself a sleek Willey.

After about a month or two you should be able to narrow down your candidates and make a final list. When you get to this point, send me their pictures with a few lines of their correspondence and I am able to tell you what type of he is. I’ve yet to be wrong!

Make a three-week trip to the motherland; arrange to meet your candidates while you are there. They must come to your house in Iran for an interview.

Trust your experience and intuition in recognizing gold diggers.  Your candidate should be successful with no more than ten years age difference. You want to see his pay stub (oh yes, you read that correctly) and his bank accounts to see if he has money. If he talks about bringing his parents and brother and sisters then disqualify him right away no matter how good looking or eligible he might be. You’re not looking to take on his family. Otherwise, you may as well say goodbye to your independence and desire to live a peaceful life.

Buy the ingredients for several dishes and ask him to prepare the food to see if he is a good cook.

You better have a prenuptial drawn up by your lawyer, ready to be e-mailed to you once you chose the husband to be and get his information to be typed in the document. Make sure your prenuptial states that if you divorce you get half of everything he has made since you have to spend time and money to educate him and baby-sit him until he can get around himself.

Once you bring him here, find him a job right away.  Open a joint account but do not give him a debit card and certainly no credit cards. You should have him use his money that he brings with him to buy him a car.  He is to give you his entire paycheck so you can pay for his insurance and other expenses. Make sure he cooks and cleans the house since you are managing the finances.

Pay close attention to his behavior around women. Do not divulge too much information regarding your finances until after the three years have passed. Even then remain vague. Make sure you look like the model wife in public so if you ever have to divorce his ass you can take everything he has worked for.

I need another hundred years on this earth just to do all of the projects that are close to my heart. As for a man, I believe that when mother universe sees fit, my soul-mate will show up and I won’t have to do  anything to make that happen. If there are other  women who feel the same  then our beloved poet agrees with us:

Fatviye peere moghaan daramo gholist ghadim

Keh haram ast mey anjaa keh nayaar ast nadim

Chaak khaham zadan in dalghe ryaie chekonam

roohraa sohbate naajense azabist aleem

I have the Fatwa from the wise man of the temple and it is an old piece of advice:

Wine is forbidden where beloved is not the soul-mate

I want to tear this clock of hypocrisy what can I do?

Conversing with the unsuitable is hell for the soul!

Even the amazing Hafiz agrees with smart women!