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Super agent
CIA should recruit Iranian women

By Niki Tehranchi
July 19, 2001
The Iranian

For the extraordinary individual who wants more than just a job, we offer a unique career; a way of life that will challenge the deepest resources of your intelligence, self-reliance, and responsibility. It demands an adventurous spirit, a forceful personality, superior intellectual ability, toughness of mind, and a high degree of personal integrity, courage, and love of country. You will need to deal with fast-moving, ambiguous, and unstructured situations that will test your resourcefulness to the utmost. -- CIA recruitment poster

My thesis is simple. All Iranian women should join the CIA. For what other group of human beings has sustained the intelligence, self-reliance, responsibility, adventurous spirit, forceful personality, superior intellectual ability, toughness of mind, personal integrity, courage and love of country that it takes to be able to fight the battle of their Iranian genes throughout centuries?

I am talking about of course the subject that no one wants to allude to, the greatest taboo in our society, the shameful whispers echoing through darkened rooms, behind drawn curtains, over wiretapped telephone lines, bouncing off spy satellite transmissions. No, it is not a shadow lurking there under your nose, it is not a wrinkle under your chin, and it is not an optical illusion covering your cheeks. Iranian women have. It's FACIAL HAIR. Lots and lots of it!

There is just no use denying. In fact, I think we ought to celebrate it, bring it into light. Because Iranian women are among the earth's most beautiful creatures. Given their genetic make-up, how could they possibly manage this feat? It is truly short of a miracle, the lengths of pain and torture they go through, all the while keeping a lovely smile, and not even letting out one whimper of pain in polite society.

Besides electrolysis, tweezers, hot wax, the primitive "band andaazi", and countless lotions, ointments, and potions, a career in the "clandestine department" of the Central Intelligence Agency is a mere breeze by comparison. The government of the United States should seriously consider who will make a better covert agent: A corn-fed rosy-cheeked American baby with a bachelor's degree in international relations, or an Iranian woman who has tolerated boiling hot wax poured over her most lateef skin since her most tender age?

Yes, Iranian women have had their body hair yanked out sadistically once the wax has settled and glued itself to the most coarse and stubborn hair ever created in natural history. And she has managed to do it all with a smile. Now tell me, who among these two candidates will have a better chance of withstanding the torture chambers of a German "doctor" specialized in "das Gut vays to make you talk mein Fraulein"? I bet if an Iranian woman CIA agent ever falls in a trap and is threatened with a metal instruments designed to pull out her neck hair one by excruciating one, she will not only refuse to divulge the location of the microchips, she will give tips to her assailant so that he does not miss a spot.

The Iranian woman's trainng, since her pre-teens, to fight the Cold War against her ever surfacing hair, has equipped her with four main characteristics which make her the ideal soldier:

1) She has developed a tough skin, both literally and figuratively. Nothing will phase her at this point, not even the application of a thousand of electrical shocks destined to burn the roots of her millions of tiny tingling hair, not morally, not physically. Bonus: She heals fast;

2) Like Gomer Pyle, she has received an intense training which has transformed her into a zombie-like Hair-Killing Machine: No logic, no sense of existentialism, not realization that this battle is futile and the hair might not even be the real enemy, will at this point distract her from her one-track fanatical endeavour;

3) If you need patriotism, you cannot find any more evidence of love of country than this beautiful woman who, despite the macabre genetic inheritance she has been handed by virtue of her nationality nevertheless embraces her Iranian identity with much love, fierceness, and pride;

4) If acting is the special skill you need to train your next James Bond with, you won't have to deploy any resources for the Iranian woman. She comes well equipped with a perfect cool and controlled poker face, allowing her to have her facial hair yanked out in front of a roomful of strangers without uttering a protest, without even acknowledging that such a brutal assault is being perpetrated against her. She is able to withstand this phenomenon while keeping her smile and happy demeanor, and will simply go on with her other tasks, chatting on her cell phone, smiling at her beauty salon friends, and cracking the code of the Rosetta Stone all at the same time, if needs be.

This should be food for thought for all you Iranian husbands out there. Next time you want to pick a fight with your lovely wife, ask yourself this: This is a woman who grins through the most unbearable painful processes, things that your worst nightmares are made of. This is a woman who, behind her graceful allure and dainty outfit with matching shoes and purse, is FREAKISHLY STRONG. Do you REALLY want to piss her off?

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