Super agent
CIA should recruit Iranian women
By Niki Tehranchi
July 19, 2001
The Iranian
For the extraordinary individual who wants more than just a job, we
offer a unique career; a way of life that will challenge the deepest resources
of your intelligence, self-reliance, and responsibility. It demands an adventurous
spirit, a forceful personality, superior intellectual ability, toughness
of mind, and a high degree of personal integrity, courage, and love of country.
You will need to deal with fast-moving, ambiguous, and unstructured situations
that will test your resourcefulness to the utmost. -- CIA recruitment
poster
My thesis is simple. All Iranian women should join the CIA. For what
other group of human beings has sustained the intelligence, self-reliance,
responsibility, adventurous spirit, forceful personality, superior intellectual
ability, toughness of mind, personal integrity, courage and love of country
that it takes to be able to fight the battle of their Iranian genes throughout
centuries?
I am talking about of course the subject that no one wants to allude
to, the greatest taboo in our society, the shameful whispers echoing through
darkened rooms, behind drawn curtains, over wiretapped telephone lines,
bouncing off spy satellite transmissions. No, it is not a shadow lurking
there under your nose, it is not a wrinkle under your chin, and it is not
an optical illusion covering your cheeks. Iranian women have. It's FACIAL
HAIR. Lots and lots of it!
There is just no use denying. In fact, I think we ought to celebrate
it, bring it into light. Because Iranian women are among the earth's most
beautiful creatures. Given their genetic make-up, how could they possibly
manage this feat? It is truly short of a miracle, the lengths of pain and
torture they go through, all the while keeping a lovely smile, and not even
letting out one whimper of pain in polite society.
Besides electrolysis, tweezers, hot wax, the primitive "band andaazi",
and countless lotions, ointments, and potions, a career in the "clandestine
department" of the Central Intelligence Agency is a mere breeze by
comparison. The government of the United States should seriously consider
who will make a better covert agent: A corn-fed rosy-cheeked American baby
with a bachelor's degree in international relations, or an Iranian woman
who has tolerated boiling hot wax poured over her most lateef skin since
her most tender age?
Yes, Iranian women have had their body hair yanked out sadistically once
the wax has settled and glued itself to the most coarse and stubborn hair
ever created in natural history. And she has managed to do it all with a
smile. Now tell me, who among these two candidates will have a better chance
of withstanding the torture chambers of a German "doctor" specialized
in "das Gut vays to make you talk mein Fraulein"? I bet if an
Iranian woman CIA agent ever falls in a trap and is threatened with a metal
instruments designed to pull out her neck hair one by excruciating one,
she will not only refuse to divulge the location of the microchips, she
will give tips to her assailant so that he does not miss a spot.
The Iranian woman's trainng, since her pre-teens, to fight the Cold War
against her ever surfacing hair, has equipped her with four main characteristics
which make her the ideal soldier:
1) She has developed a tough skin, both literally and figuratively. Nothing
will phase her at this point, not even the application of a thousand of
electrical shocks destined to burn the roots of her millions of tiny tingling
hair, not morally, not physically. Bonus: She heals fast;
2) Like Gomer Pyle, she has received an intense training which has transformed
her into a zombie-like Hair-Killing Machine: No logic, no sense of existentialism,
not realization that this battle is futile and the hair might not even be
the real enemy, will at this point distract her from her one-track fanatical
endeavour;
3) If you need patriotism, you cannot find any more evidence of love
of country than this beautiful woman who, despite the macabre genetic inheritance
she has been handed by virtue of her nationality nevertheless embraces her
Iranian identity with much love, fierceness, and pride;
4) If acting is the special skill you need to train your next James Bond
with, you won't have to deploy any resources for the Iranian woman. She
comes well equipped with a perfect cool and controlled poker face, allowing
her to have her facial hair yanked out in front of a roomful of strangers
without uttering a protest, without even acknowledging that such a brutal
assault is being perpetrated against her. She is able to withstand this
phenomenon while keeping her smile and happy demeanor, and will simply go
on with her other tasks, chatting on her cell phone, smiling at her beauty
salon friends, and cracking the code of the Rosetta Stone all at the same
time, if needs be.
This should be food for thought for all you Iranian husbands out there.
Next time you want to pick a fight with your lovely wife, ask yourself this:
This is a woman who grins through the most unbearable painful processes,
things that your worst nightmares are made of. This is a woman who, behind
her graceful allure and dainty outfit with matching shoes and purse, is
FREAKISHLY STRONG. Do you REALLY want to piss her off?
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