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May 3, 2001
This morning, I came to work to find a link sent to me about an article
on iranian.com. The young lady talked of heartbreak and the
key to the heart.
I, unlike our friend, have been open to who I "see" and date.
The more people you interact with, the more you learn, and the more you
have to offer the world and that person you finally decide to spend the
rest of your life with.
I had thought of myself as a very Western-influenced person. One who
has her heritage and understands and respects and practices aspects of her
culture. Yet I have felt the pain she talks about. I understand the uncontrollable
tears rolling down my face. And most of all, the fear of falling, the fear
of my heart being stomped on once again.
To control everything that's going on, I push those emotions down my
inner subconscious just to go through a day without tears. I learnt this
handy technique as a survival method more than anything else. A technique
that doesn't always work, but keeps my sanity. I feel strong. I have the
power not to let this wave of emotion drown me.
Maybe it's the fairy tales we were told as little girls, the princess
waiting for prince charming to take them away to a better place and living
happily ever after. Maybe it's the cross-culture that's causing the problems.
Or maybe it's just life and this is what we have to put up with in order
Sometimes, when we think we're in love, holding on or letting go becomes
a problem. Perhaps, if the question arises at all, we're not in love but
merely a victim of our own desires.
Last night was a warm night. The stars covered the sky like little fairy
lights ripped off the wire and scattered on a dark floor. I sat on my balcony
overlooking the city with a lit cigarette, trying to brainwash myself into
quitting the habit.
I heard it then; that song coming from a radio. It made my stomach fill
with butterflies and induced a shake that almost made me drop the cigarette.
My head began spinning and every hair on my body stood on end.
I was transported back to the place I heard the song first. I could smell
the room. I could feel the warmth of his presence. I dragged myself back
to reality, to my balcony, with all the force within me.
I scratched my head, took a deep breath of nicotine and sighed.