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By Azadeh
May 3, 2001
The Iranian

This morning, I came to work to find a link sent to me about an article on iranian.com. The young lady talked of heartbreak and the key to the heart.

I, unlike our friend, have been open to who I "see" and date. The more people you interact with, the more you learn, and the more you have to offer the world and that person you finally decide to spend the rest of your life with.

I had thought of myself as a very Western-influenced person. One who has her heritage and understands and respects and practices aspects of her culture. Yet I have felt the pain she talks about. I understand the uncontrollable tears rolling down my face. And most of all, the fear of falling, the fear of my heart being stomped on once again.

To control everything that's going on, I push those emotions down my inner subconscious just to go through a day without tears. I learnt this handy technique as a survival method more than anything else. A technique that doesn't always work, but keeps my sanity. I feel strong. I have the power not to let this wave of emotion drown me.

Maybe it's the fairy tales we were told as little girls, the princess waiting for prince charming to take them away to a better place and living happily ever after. Maybe it's the cross-culture that's causing the problems. Or maybe it's just life and this is what we have to put up with in order to grow.

Sometimes, when we think we're in love, holding on or letting go becomes a problem. Perhaps, if the question arises at all, we're not in love but merely a victim of our own desires.

Last night was a warm night. The stars covered the sky like little fairy lights ripped off the wire and scattered on a dark floor. I sat on my balcony overlooking the city with a lit cigarette, trying to brainwash myself into quitting the habit.

I heard it then; that song coming from a radio. It made my stomach fill with butterflies and induced a shake that almost made me drop the cigarette. My head began spinning and every hair on my body stood on end.

I was transported back to the place I heard the song first. I could smell the room. I could feel the warmth of his presence. I dragged myself back to reality, to my balcony, with all the force within me.

I scratched my head, took a deep breath of nicotine and sighed.

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