Tick tick talk
The myth of the biological clock July 4, 2003
The Iranian
Stereotypes all have some truth to them. For example, the myth
of the biological clock controlling the destiny of single
women. I will talk of my own experience in that domain and put
forward the proposal that the myth has been created
less out of a supposedly inborn maternal instinct than from the
sense of duty and pressure coming from those around Iranians, from
acquaintances to the closest family and friends.
I had the extreme luck of being
raised by a father who taught his daughter that her worth was
not measured by physical traits or being able to attract
the opposite
sex, but by wisdom, intelligence, independence. I concentrated
on my studies and always had the vision that I had to be able
to stand on my own two feet in life, without being forced
to rely
on anyone.
Nothing that happened in my childhood really
contradicted that idea... until I hit my teens... that's
when the tick...tick...tick...of
the biological clock surreptitiously invaded the background
of all my activities, as disconcerting and imposing as the
mythical
war cry of remote African tribes.
However, that tick-tick-ticking
did not originate internally, it came from outside. When
I was 16 and excitedly explaining my life plan (university,
dream career,
traveling) to a distant relative, he abruptly interrupted
me
and said those dreams would only be realized if I managed
to 'snag'
a rich husband.
If it was anyone else, I would have lashed
out, for I had my share of chauvinist male friends. But
this was a
family member, someone I trusted (at least until that
time) and I was
hurt.
The seeds of doubt for the first time were
implanted in me. If this person who had known me all my life,
and
claimed to love
me, thought I was not good enough to make it on my own,
was I
just deluding myself ?
Tick...tick...tick...the distant
drums started
their monotonous rhythm. The older I grew, the more
I realized the pounding sound. There was no
wedding or
dinner
party or even restaurant outings that would take place
without the
drums rolling.
Sometimes, it would be as 'innocent'
as a family friend
praising me on how I had grown and how soon could
he/she attend the wedding? Other times it was as intrusive
as mere acquaintances
and sometimes complete strangers asking my parents
very seriously if they could come 'khaasstegaar' for their
son/nephew/2nd
cousin
twice removed. My mom would jestingly say I had but
just
recently got rid of my toys. My dad would just
blush, embarrassed.
Today,
I am in post-graduate studies. I have had a pretty
good academic career so far and am looking forward
to my 'dream'
career.
Still, when my mom tells her friends of these
things, they nod approvingly
and ask eagerly: 'Wow... so when are you going
to make her a bride?'
It seems as though my academic path
has just
been some pre-requisite
or some sort of resume that puts me in better
standing
than other brides in the Great Big Race towards
the altar.
Tick... tick... tick...
As hard as I try to ignore it, the drums
keep banging away
in
my head. It seems all my accomplishments
are 'nice' and 'neat' but
when is the BIG DAY, the ULTIMATE PRIZE going
to come ?
I
think only in this type of culture would
a 22-year-old girl be made
to feel inadequate because she is not
engaged or married with kids
already. So the next time you want to poke
fun at an Iranian girl seemingly driven by the single
obsessive idea
that her biological
clock is running out, just think that this
might
not be
entirely their fault.
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