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Horoscope



Out cruising

May 13, 2003
The Iranian

Yeah, it's almost mid month already. I know. I check the calendar everyday. So stop being whiney. As my good friend Fiona once said: "Make 'em laugh, Make 'em cry.. And make 'em wait!" The stars sure have kept us all waiting. Luckily this month's constellation is worth waiting for, so listen up, baby.

The sun is out, the schools are out and every unbearable let's-just-be-anti-occupation-activists-when-it's-convenient-shall-we? and their snotty nosed kid has finally left town.
And all the missionary kids have been shipped in in their place. Sure you'll have to slam a few doors in people's faces. But you also get to cruise around in all the neighborhoods if you want without running into some guy who thinks he owns your half of the world.

You get to let the wind blow up your skirt in the car wash and enjoy it if you dare and stick your tongue out at the plum-colored red neck who's waiting for 'the help' to polish his truck as you finish vacuuming yours on the change you scraped out of your piggy bank.

You get to listen to the new Fitty Cent "Get Rich or Die Trying" CD so loud the White homeless guy has to walk up to your car with his big sign to make sure you "hear" that he wants change for a cold can of beer or - even better-listen to Missy Elliot's "Work it" so loud you can't hear the Black Israelites in their regal purple and gold robes screaming the
same old, same old at the top of their lungs in front of the music emporium at the 14th St. subway entrance.

Yeah, summer's here and it's time we all get ourselves new cars so we can hang out outdoors with our tops down and windows rolled and our music competing for air space
over the wailing newborns, the wedding bells and all the psychos haunting our towns on Sundays.

It's summer time. Time for cold watermelons, long cat days and pranayama breathing dogs who amuse themselves by pretending they're doing the first of the Bikram yoga sequence in your face. It's summertime and we get new cars to wash and polish so we can hose down the looney neighbor when he walks up to continue his monologue from
last night or to offer yet another opportunity to play tennis with him, go swimming, or dine at the local Hong Kong pay-as you-eat restaurant. As if!

It's summertime and no one seems to give a damn anyway so give him a political sticker that reads: "Drop Bush, not Bombs" or "Regime Change Starts at Home". And get HIM in trouble with whitey on the moon instead. He'll surely put it on his car -"yeah, right there, that's. Yeah, that's good, buddy"--just because you gave it to him.

Do it and then just saunter on (in your summery sandals and your perfectly polished toes) to the backyard you've wired to electrocute anyone who talks to you or so you've told him. He'll believe anything and, I promise you, he won't follow even if he's all ready for you with his leash in his mouth.

Here's the deal: Cars are out cruising the constellations, so let me tell you what you need to get yourself into and GET Oooouuut! Things are way too freaky for you to sit still.

Farvardin: Aries
A mini Couper, 'cause its all about being the cutest kid on the block

Ordibehesht: Taurus
A Saab, 'cause you, practical person that you are, are already thinking of the creature comforts of winter. There's a good car that'll get you home and in front of the fire place in the middle of winter.

Khordad: Gemini
You're such the military type. Did I tell you to get into a Hummer last
month? Do you ever listen?

Tir: Cancer
A Porche? Which porche? Here's my two cents: Lose it!

Mordad: Leo
Beemer's new convertible, of course! Would I ever suggest anything less for such as you?

Shahrivar: Virgo
Okay, so you get the Lexus you've been talking about for, like, four years. But please please promise me you'll finally dump the moss-green Toyota Tercel?

Mehr: Libra
You're getting rid of the regal blue BMW and getting yourself a subway map. I don't care if it means you have to move from fucking Durham, North Carolina to New York City. You're doin' it!

Aban: Scorpio
Wooops! I guess the stars skipped you this month. You're still in that old Saturn. Okay, so give it another year.

Azar: Sagittarius
No car for you, lovie. 'cause you're seeing red this summer. You, and the rest of your lot are on little purple electrical scooters until you calm yourselves down.

Dey: Capricorn
Getting on in years are we? A stuffy, oh man is it ever-so-stuffy, Lincoln whale! Where does on get one of those these days anyway. Some 50s style suburban garage? Well that's your reading this month. What can I say? Wait it out!

Bahman: Aquarius
An SUV- heee heee. That's the funniest line yet! You've gotto love the stars for their sense of humor! Oh my god! An Aquarius in an SUV!!!! How funny is that?

Esfand: Pisces
A Chrystler convertible, 'cause that's the only way you're gonna get laid. Ahm. Let me rephrase that. Naaahh. I think not! (Twinkle!)

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