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Are we ever ready?
Having children August 13, 2004
iranian.com unedited
Ok, here is a new shocking trend that I am seeing in my generation. The generation
I am specifically referring to are the girls and guys who got their high school
diplomas in 1990(1370) in Iran and now are mostly scattered around the globe.
Give this time frame 2 years of tolerance to be on the safe side so go for 1368-1372(1998-2002).
So, what is this trend? Before talking about this trend, let
me give you a background. Most of us who left Iran deal with a
simple mind occupying daily question of where to end up for living.
The first part of the struggle for all of us has been to leave
our beloved country. Destination did not matter that much at that
time, as long as you could get an admission from a descent university
who would be willing to offer you some sort of assistantship. Now,
after 6.7 years some of living in these new lands, many of us are
not the cheerful 20ish people any more. We are getting farther
and farther from happily thinking: “Oh, I am too young. Who
cares about the family life and commitment and such stuff? “
Yeap, many of us have got married, many of us are cut in long
distance relationships that might never work but no one has the
guts to break them! , and many of us are still in search of that
perfect match either by us or through seeking the help of mum,
friends, that fortune teller guy at the end of sar- e- pol- e-
tadjrish and stuff like that!
Those of us who are not still fixed in a commitment are sometimes
too afraid to even think about it at this time. It is not because
they are commitment phobic. No, but because simply when you are
living on a single entry visa in a foreign land with a salary sufficing
to enjoy life as a single bird , it is tough to think of sharing
it with any body else. It is such an unstable position. You never
know what happens to you when you are done with this great title
of PhD if you do not find a job. So, you linger on and try to secure
yourself more and more by writing endless brilliant papers on your
research! But this does not change that feeling of instability
in this land even a bit. It is too big of a risk to invite somebody
to join on a floating piece of iceberg amidst the polar bears!
 Now, the ones who have are involved at some sort of commitment,
they are facing some new sort of dilemma. This dilemma and how
my generation is confronting it is the trend that I was referring
to earlier in this article. This dilemma is: As a couple, do we
want to have a child ever? If yes, when, where,... ? I guess
those good, old days people felt like taking a step further in
their concubine lives and they would go ahead and start the tries
for having a baby or more simply stop the tries for not having
the baby! What matters here is that they felt like it! The adrenaline
hormone or whatever hormone would make them want to go down this
path and experience this new phase!
But now, I look at my conversations with my friends:
-- "Well, you know. I am thinking we should have a baby by 2
years!"
-- "Ok, do you feel that you are ready?"
-- "Na baba! Delet khoshe ... We have so much else to deal
with, visa, work, money, etc.. but on the other hand there is no
other
choice ... I am afraid it might be too late ..."
 Another one:
-- "I was thinking of having baby since I have not found
a job yet! At least I am doing something useful! It might get too
late ... But
now.. no .. not any more..."
-- "Why? What keeps you from going for it?"
-- "We bought a house ! We can not afford a baby any more
.. so, I guess I’d better find a job. But I am afraid that
it gets too late!"
This third one comes from a more stable one who does not need
to worry about visa and money:
-- "Wow! Congratulations on your new sweet heart! You must
be very happy now!"
-- "Oh ... thanks ... yes ... not bad ... well, you know
I was not ready ... but now I should be happy ..."
-- "You should be happy?! What is up with that? Isn’t
this what you guys wanted?"
-- "Well... we were married for 4 years and khob digeh ...
it was getting late!"
And there many other scenarios: I am not still sure where we
want to live or where we can even be allowed to live! May be we
apply for Canada and go there! You know we do not have a GC yet.
So, I can not leave US and with this visa situation, it is so tough
for my mum to come over. Who is going to help me? What if we were
forced to leave?
And there is this word planning for making a family! You need
a bundle of big green notes at least in US to even consider such
an option! In a country that children rule and you are doomed to
work for survival, you need plenty of them for any such plans!
 So, I am seeing many of us just thinking of having a baby for
mere sake of getting late despite all these concerns. I know of
body constraints for fertility and all these but where is this
trend leading us? Obviously we are not feeling like having a baby
but are just pushing ourselves to have at least one before it gets
late. Yes, that biologic clock is running and is running fast.
We’d better jump on it before it gets too late and we are
regretting it. But, still is it right to have a baby before we
are emotionally ready for it?
Palm Springs
August 7th 2004
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