Difference between titillation and fulfilment
And if you don't know the devil, how can you be sure
it isn't an angel?
May 26, 2004
iranian.com
It is strange that no matter how much we try to
avoid something it somehow miraculously finds it way to us. And
the harder we
try the easier it gets for the bugger to hit us. This year, I
accepted the offer of a girl's night out for Valentines
Day. This was all on the basis that I really need to avoid getting
proposed to, again! Because even I, with all my over confidence
and don't-care attitude, know that if I laugh at one more
poor soul's face while they are giving their hopes up I am bound
to be getting a one-way ticket to hell, no questions asked, club
class. Having started to monitor my calls for the whole week
I also managed to not return any calls before Sunday morning.
Yeah yeah... big-headed you may think I am, but come on... you
know when it's bound to hit you!
Well of course, don't get me wrong, I'm just as emotional
and dreamy as the next girl. But I guess certain events in life
have made me a bit pessimistic about love and marriage in particular.
If my therapist were here he would call me an arrogant egoist who
doesn't give a damn about other people's feeling and
have issues with trust not to mention an attitude problem as big
as Mars. Well, issues with trust I may have, but arrogant egoist...
ummm debatable!
I am what you can call a "misogamist", I'm allergic to marriage,
not because I don't want to settle down or not because I
don't want what every body else wants in terms of true love
and happy-ever-after, but I guess I have grown to realise that
it is all a misconception about fulfilling other people's expectations,
rather than based on life long sharing of your love and affection
for each other. And "till death do us part" has become
a joke mostly heard while you are invited to parties that you get
to put your best frock on and doll up, namely weddings, and have
no meaning merely being a line repeated by two people signing a
contract.
Because as it seems, it is not death that do us part,
but monogamy, gay or lesbian tendencies that suddenly sprang
on a so-called reunion of marriage, tall blond skimpy secretaries,
postmen (I say this just to be fair to the opposite sex and prove
I am not a feminist!), mother in-laws from hell, religiouse reasons
(i.e. he think he is god and she doesn't!) and financial
agendas. I read somewhere that wedding dresses are white
because they match kitchen appliances. That's what
wife stands for, "W.I.F.E -- Washing, Ironing, F*****,
Etc".
I'm not as pessimistic as the author of that phrase, but
I
do believe that commitment means different things to men and woman,
while we are after happy ever afters, they are after one night
stands... I rest my case!
Having been through the whole prep up before the wedding, I do
sympathise with all those who have gone through with it as managing
everyone's expectations is not exactly a piece of cake. I have
learned the simpler you tend to see it the happier you will be.
Sod everyone else! Easier said than done of course, being an
Iranian, with all the palaver of tradition and "cheshm ham cheshmi".
It begins when we are about a year old. Prior to that age, unless
we are unlucky, our parents tend to feel we can do no wrong.
We are rays of sunshine to be adored and admired. Then, as we learn
to walk and talk, we find ourselves being accused of 'naughtiness'.
We discover that the world is full of rules, which have never
been
explained to us, yet which we are in deep trouble for breaking.
And on it goes, so badly sometimes, that if we are ever praised
again, we feel slightly shocked. We never seem to do anything
right... not the right degree, the right job, the right apartment
or the
right
guy/girl.
The girl's night out, which I was looking forward
to, ended up being "three girls and a recently divorced guy's
night out". His company of course did add some delight to the evening
as I am guessing, if he wasn't there we would all soak into depression
and curse men while having chocolate and ice cream straight. Come
to think of it, if he weren't there we wouldn't even have chocolate
to linger
our pleasure on, since he was the one who bought the chocolates.
Having just come out of "Screen On The Hill", the breeze of
cold February air brought flash backs of past valentines days,
when
I wasn't a pessimist and when I truly did believe in love.
In fear of getting all melodramatic and mushy, I shout out the
images in my head and took a chocolate out of M's box and
salvaged it as if I was the last person on earth and this is the
last piece of chocolate.
We decided to get some coffee and sit down to unwind from the
shock of Bernardo Bertolucci's "The Dreamers" after effect... (
I am rather conservative in intimate matters!)
The place wasn't very busy, but the remaining touch of couples
going through the Book of Flirtation page by page until
they get to that last bit of what they can then brag out about
as a
magical
Valentines
Day. Yeah right... like you can't get laid on any other night!
How bloody hard is it to buy a box of chocolates on any other day
of the year! (Okay okay... I got carried away there... I
actually do like the idea of getting all the attention too...
I am simply stating observations...ok?! Or maybe I am just jealous
you may say!...I wouldn't argue with me if I were you!)
Having lived in London for nearly 10 years, I have learned
that the weather shapes the content of
everyday conversation. The eighteenth-century writer Samuel Johnson
famously remarked "It is commonly observed, that when two
Englishmen meet, their first talk is of the weather; they are in
haste to tell each other, what each must already know, that it
is hot or cold, bright or cloudy, windy or calm." Well you
can guess the first round of conversation went around on the table
with oos and woos on the weather... boring you say... ummm
stay tight... The next topic of the conversation
was exactly what I didn't want to get into. You see, I would be
quite happy to carry on about
the weather, woolly hats and mittens instead of people asking me
how I am coping with the past? But surprisingly, the recapping
of memories didn't bother me; it made me realise
that I am stronger than I thought. An old friend of mine used to
say what doesn't break you will make you stronger. I used to think
what a load of b*****, if he's reading this now ... well I
hate to admit it, but "you were right mate!"
Recapping my memory buds I was thinking it always requires
courage for a person to take action. But sometimes it requires
even more strength to take NO action. To show restraint in the
face
of provocation, or display caution when you are being urged to
act recklessly, is to manifest a rare form of self-discipline.
There are many things you could do. But there are very few things
you should do. I don't think holding back would be chickening out.
We managed to move from the past to what each one of us
sees the value of love and marriage and how to choose the
right partner... M, reminded me of my mother, with her constant
obsession
with education as a key criteria
in
choosing a partner... and not just any... PhD. My strong argument
-- on the fact that a piece of paper doesn't mean jack shit and
it is the integrity and decency of the person
that makes the bigger difference -- of course went on deaf ears.
But I honestly believe that just because someone is a doctor or
has a
PhD in anything doesn't mean that he/she is any better than
the next person.
(No offence to all of you out there who are highly
educated, I am not stereotyping, I am just talking about those
people who think the world should bow to them, just because they
have had the opportunity or the inclination to delve more into
particular topics and be recognised for it, which is all fine
and dandy, but intellect in my view isn't necessarily on a graduation
picture... trust me... I have two, soon to have the 3rd and
I am not any smarter!)
I even gave M evidential facts... and
in most cases the people under question seemed to have flunked
out
of the University of Life! J dully agreed. I am not sure
it was because he actually believes this or he was scared of M...
I completely agree that
the choice has to be on the basis that you are both on the same
wave length in terms of principles, values and understanding,
but for god's sake, what would a PhD in political science add
to a marriage!?
While the debate continued and M was being bombarded by criticism
over her desire to find a doctor, I was thinking that we can't
exist forever on a diet of candy-floss. We may love the taste and
the way it melts in our mouth. We may
also love those bright colours and the caramel smell of spun
sugar.
But... well, I'm really not trying to offer dietary advice
here,
I'm just drawing an analogy. Just as parents know they must
feed their children proper food and offer sweets as only an
occasional treat -- so we must all understand the difference, at
a psychological
level, between titillation and fulfilment. We tend to know
what we think we want -- but is that what we really want? Or have
we just got ourselves into a bad habit? We live in a world where the lunatics are running the asylum;
it is a crazy world. Our centers for the psychologically
disturbed are, by and large, populated by folk whose actual
sanity is no more questionable than anyone else's, but whose ability
to hide this behind a discreet, socially acceptable veil has
become
impaired. I only mention this because, if you're seeking 'reason',
we are looking on the wrong planet. Sometimes, the best way
to
find something we are looking for is to look for something
else instead. When our attention is too closely fixed on one item,
we lose the ability to see the whole of the situation from
a
distance.
Standing back seems inappropriate. But it's only when we do,
that we realise how much more clearly we could have been seeing
things.
Surely we can have a brilliant insight and a great outcome
too... provided we stop trying quite so hard to control everything.
Some people think money is the be-all and end-all. They become
fascinated by finance. Their happy dreams are about prosperity
and their nightmares invariably involve insolvency. Yet,
weirdly, the rich worry about money just as much -- if not more
-- than
the poor. We all forget, until we receive a vivid reminder,
that cash is by no means our most precious resource. Far
more valuable
is health, peace of mind, an ability to give, receive and
share love, sympathy or respect. And talent. And inspiration. And
time. Those are things that no amount of money can buy us.
But of course
without certain silly people and their debatable beliefs,
we
could have a lot more freedom to do what we feel we need
to do. But,
then, on whose behalf would we be doing it? We all have unreasonable
fears and questionable priorities. Usually, we find it
much easier to see how these are colouring someone else's judgement
than
to recognise how they may be affecting our own. Maybe
it
all comes
to tolerance!
I like to think of the opportunity of falling
in love as receiving a very special gift. It may or may not
pay the
rent. It will
though, give me reason to feel extremely fortunate. Come
on, think about it, when we're truly happy, what do we care for,
wealth or prestige? Even if we're short
of money,
we can
count our blessings and adapt, philosophically. It's
when we're uncomfortable,
anxious or insecure that we become more inclined to blame
the condition on a lack of material resources.
This issue
though,
is separate
from some other sources of irritation. What do you
believe? And what do we think we believe? We take an awful
lot for granted. We
don't question ourselves any more than we have to.
Once
we are happy that we know where we stand with regard
to a particular
situation, we try not to entertain any further thought.
After a while though, if we don't freshen up our ideas
and attitudes,
they grow dusty and stale.
 It is easy to do what you
know how to
do. It is difficult to do what you don't! Now I know
what you are thinking; "She's stating the obvious." Ah,
but some things are so obvious we cannot
see them! Our world is full of people who are busy repeating
old experiences.
(I confess, I am one of them!) Despite the endless
possibilities
that we are all theoretically entitled to explore,
we end up going round in the same old circles. It is as if we
are
in limbo, trying to
make a choice between the devil we know and the devil
we don't. Er.. If you don't know the devil, how can you
be sure
it isn't an angel?
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