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The Queen Bum
True magic of monarchy: fooling an entire population

By Sana Aryamehr
May 2, 2002
The Iranian

I will never comprehend the mass idiocy of the British public in relation to their royals. Never was this more apparent than with the recent passing of the Queen Elizabeth's mother, the "Queen Mum". This old hag lived to nearly 102 years of age, having never done anything for anyone, including herself. I imagine there was even an unfortunate soul employed for wiping her wrinkled old bum everyday.

This is the true magic of monarchy: fooling an entire population, the majority of which struggles daily to maintain an income and a decent quality of life, into believing that a foul, racist, elitist drunkard actually gave tuppence about anyone but herself. Incredible!

Apparently, all she had to do was crack a wrinkled, tawdry smile anytime she was in public and instantaneously she would be regarded as some sort of saint -- a moment that, once experienced, would never be forgotten by any single Brit and would erase any future chance of rational thought in regard to the true nature of this woman.

This is patriotism -- that fake religion of unity that's actually based on exclusionism. Funny how the British settlers (the very ones that drove the Native Americans off their lands, treated African Americans worse than animals for nearly 250 years and treated poor White indentured servants like indentured slaves) left Britain to be free from the monarchy, only to employ the same penetrating patriotism to create a so-called democracy that continues to pander to the interests of the wealthy.

Even today this method is employed against (not for) Brits and Americans as their leaders ceaselessly mask their butchery of human populations throughout the world as a fight against terror -- never actually admitting to their dear devoted patriots that the fight against terror is a fight they themselves started with their imperialist, capitalist greed.

I wonder if education is the answer. Like, what if the entire population of the United States actually read Howard Zinn's "A People's History of the United States"? I wonder, then, if people would come to realize how they've been manipulated since day one. Imagine a North Carolina farmer's 13-year-old son realizing that he, his father, his grandfather and everyone else before him were used by the American system to meet the ever-growing greed of a wealthy upper class.

Logicians argue that those middle classers and poor people who believe the Queen and her brood are godlike figures who abound with humanity are merely grasping onto a human need for mentorship and authority figures. According to this logic, these pathetic worker bees see the royals as people who are way at the top of the world, watching over everyone else and making the world a better place.

But it boggles the mind to think that not for one moment do these masses think about reality: the Queen takes your tax dollars to powder her pasty face with ludicrously expensive cosmetics everyday; Prince Charles spends entire days, most days of his life, in leisure, while you work and worry about bills and daily life concerns; and the Queen Mum's biggest concern every day was being comfortable so that her petrified bones (bones which never overexerted a moment in their lives, except for the possible exception of birthing the miserable wretches that would burden masses for years to come) could be at ease.

Sometimes I wonder if the Queen ever thinks, with a twitch in her eye and a jerk in her lips, that she's ripping everyone off. Of course, this is out of the question: who has time to think of others? Only poor people do, I guess.

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Sana Aryamehr


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