 Old testament
Finding a soul-mate: a Persian-Jewish perspective
By Sharon Taftian, Shabnam Besimanto,
Pejman Firouztale
July 30, 2003
The Iranian
Source: Persian Jews United newsletter
On July 8th, Persian Jews United (PJU)
and Hadassah Vanguard II in Los Angeles hosted a
lecture on "finding a soul-mate" featuring Rabbi
David Shofet, a
distinguished spiritual leader of the Persian-Jewish Community.
The event
was a great success, with many eager minds in attendance, many
of whom were
young Persian Jewish professionals and students looking for insight
into
matrimonial bliss.
Aside from the impressive numbers that turned
out and
the fact that the lecture went on well into the night, Rabbi David
Shofet
effectively engaged the audience in a heated discussion of the
stereotypes
and misconceptions that often hinder one from being to find his
or her true
soul-mate. A refreshingly open minded audience encouraged an exchange
of
ideas on a number of topics including parental interference in
marriage,
premarital sex, and the double standard between men and women.
The
discussion became quite intense at times with controversial and
eye-opening
commentary from the audience that reflected the spectrum of philosophies
representative of today's modern Jewish community. It seemed
that the more
provocative the topics became, the more people wanted to share
their
thoughts, proven by the plenitude of eager hands waving for an
opportunity
to participate.
During his lecture, Rabbi Shofet elucidated the
meaning of "soul-mate" in
terms of Judaism. He explained that what God does is to bring a
man and a
woman together; it is then the task of the couple to create a lasting
bond
and loving marriage. During this explanation, a member of the audience
questioned why there is such a high rate of divorce if each person
is born
with a soul-mate, or their "other half". Rabbi Shofet
responded by
explaining that as human beings, we have what is called "free
will" -- the
individual right to decide what to do with the choices and circumstances
that dictate life, thus making each person ultimately responsible
for his or
her own actions.
This point allowed the night's discussion to extend
into the sensitive issue
of gender stereotypes and double standards that the Persian-Jewish
community
subscribes to for women, especially when it comes to sexual relations.
As
touchy as it was, the Rabbi gave an answer that appeased the
women by
calling for our society to expel this backward way of thinking.
He
pronounced that the mode of upbringing where the men are encouraged
to have
girlfriends and the family celebrates his sexual maturity is
destructive baggage brought over from Iran and is creating harmful
outcomes
amongst the
men and women of this generation. He remarked that this is not
an element
of Judaic principles, in fact, the Torah holds the virtue of
virginity as
equally important for men as for women. In response, a woman in
the audience
got up and praised the man who could remain a virgin until marriage,
claiming that this was more a sign of masculinity and is something
that both
partners can bring to the relationship, adding to its beauty. She
pointed
out that if the couple finds themselves without the know-how to
consummate
the marriage, there are no worries; they will learn together. Her
comment
was backed by a resounding applause, especially from the women.
Mr. Farzin
Emrani, a JD/MBA student at USC stated, "I learned a lot
from Rabbi Shofet
and from the therapists in the audience. The forced me to question
my
perception of intimacy and relationships. Overall, the event was
a lot of
fun..." Dalia Naghi, a certified public accountant, felt
it was one of the
best lectures she has been to in a very long time. Another topic that a young man brought up during
the discussion portion of
the lecture was that many Persian men are under the impression
that they
must possess astonishing financial credibility in order to win
over a bride
because they believe it is the only way to satisfy a woman's
lofty
expectations.
His perception of courtship was met with zealous
commentary
from several young women who portrayed a very different perspective
on the
reality of today's modern Persian Jewish woman. One young
woman explained
that this ideology is simply an underestimation of the women
in our
community; contrary to the stereotype, many are career-orientated,
driven
women who are eager and willing to support a family along their
husbands. These many men can rest assured that being a walking
treasury is not a
prerequisite to finding a wife. Amongst the resounding applause,
one young
woman proclaimed her belief that a young couple starting their
lives
together can make a comfortable living and will have many years
to grow
together and truly appreciate their every accomplishment because
it will
have been a result of their mutual effort and desire.
These concerns about financial stability among a
young couple prompted the
rabbi to touch upon a subject of utmost importance in today's
community: the
trend of increasing extravagance and lavishness that have become
a staple of
Persian weddings and engagements. The pressure to compete amongst
these
showcases of wealth and affluence has become a painful thorn in
the side of
our society.
Unfortunately, as appealing as a five-star wedding
may be,
certainly not every couple has the resources available to participate
in
one, and often times the financial burden of making such attempts
distracts
from the blissful nature of a wedding. Rabbi Shofet called for
an expulsion
of this competitive practice, noting that it is wasteful particularly
for
those with only a moderate budget striving to live up to this
standard.
Of course, with discussion of love and marriage
comes discussion of intimacy
and proper pre-marital relations. A heated debate on the emotional
and
physical aspects courtship ensued as a woman in the audience asked
what the
Rabbi's thoughts were on the emerging trend among Persian
Jews of living
together for several months before deciding to marry.
Rabbi Shofet
implored
an imaginative metaphor of "man versus beast" to clarify
how the initial
pleasure of pre-marital cohabitation will ultimately result in
suffering and
entail harm for both parties. He compared the indulgence of living
with
someone without having been bound as man and wife before G-d to
the
animalistic behavior of a gluttonous beast that indulges by eating
uncontrollably and exploiting the few precious resources meant
to sustain
it. Marriage is a sacred institution that not only requires
a commitment to one
another, but an allegiance to overcome the inevitable difficulties
that
compose a working relationship. When a man and woman live together
prematurely, they are not bound by these institutional allegiances,
and
therefore underestimate the selfless dedication necessary to create
a
fruitful marriage. To solidify his point, Rabbi Shofet alluded
to the trend
of increasing divorce rates and noted that understanding one's
expectations
and perceptions of marriage are crucial to making it a successful
one.
The question of premarital physical intimacy was
another of the provocative
topics that ignited heated debate as a gentleman in the audience
inquired
about what Judaic law says in regards to the extent of physical
contact
permitted prior to marriage. Rabbi Shofet took this question
as the proper
opportunity to explain Shomer Negia, the Jewish law that prohibits
any
physical contact among men and women (who are not related) before
marriage.
Among those who practice Shomer Negia, the period
of courtship is a time of
self-reflection and pure communication. Often times, the "chemistry" of
a
newly blossoming romance can entice a couple to give into their
physical
desires, resulting in the inevitable insecurities and complications
that
come along with premature physical intimacy.
Those who engage in
Shomer
Negia free themselves from the pressure of worrying about when,
where and if
the time is ever right to cross the line into physical intimacy,
therefore
allowing for both the man and the woman to concentrate on their
emotional,
ideological and spiritual compatibility as potential soul-mates. By the end of the night, one central theme prevailed
over every concern
voiced by the audience, the "golden rule" of successful
relationships: to
truly know oneself, one's desires, dreams, goals and expectations
before
sharing oneself with another in a union of marriage. Marriage is
a lifelong
commitment to another being, and unless each individual undergoes
a detailed
personal inspection and accepts all of his or her flaws and virtues,
then
complications due to a personal "false advertising" are
sure to arise.
Rabbi Shofet asserted that while young couples begin
to ponder the route of
their relationship, they must make an honest evaluation of whether
or not
their definitions of marriage are compatible. He added that the
key to
such a blissful union is that one must know oneself so that he,
or she, will
have a much easier and faster time in identifying a soul-mate.
Of course,
once a person gains this awareness, they should feel confident
in pursuing a
union of souls as early as possible.
Immediately following Rabbi Shofet's conclusion
of the evening's discussion,
the audience burst into a sea of discussion, vehemently exchanging
ideas and
opinions on all the provocative things said during the course
of the night.
A bonus of the night was knowing that a portion of
the proceeds went to feed
the hungry in Israel through the Hazon Yeshaya foundation.
Of course, this wonderful event could not have taken
place without all who
were involved. We thank the Cohanzad family for their humble
generosity in
opening their home to strangers, the eloquent Rabbi Shofet for
contributing
his time and knowledge, and David Yadegar and Dr. Houman Kashani
for
coordinating the event.
If you would like to receive notice of future events
please email:
irooni2626@yahoo.com
Authors
Sharon Taftian, a recent UCSD graduate, earned her
B.A. in Sociology with a
minor in Literature, and she is currently aspiring toward
a career in law.
Shabnam Besimanto, recently earned her undergraduate
degree in Neuroscience
from UCLA, and will be attending the UCI School of Medicine
in the fall.
Dr. Pejman Firouztale, graduated from the USC School
of Medicine, completed
his internship at Loma Linda Medical Center and will
be pursuing residency
in Radiology at St. Louis University Medical Center.
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