 Late love
I am looking at what I really
am and what I see I do not like
J. E. Sharjahri
March 13, 2005
iranian.com
I am writing this now as a friendly reminder to
all parents to love their children dearly and put nothing before
their emotional development. Those who fail to do this, with all
the tenderness in their hearts can potentially set up a bright
and loving child for a life of self-loathing and self-destruction.
Children are fragile and they need love and tenderness more than
most of us ever know. We all need love, but we get so bogged down
in the complexities of life that we simply forget how important
it is to do those little things that are essential to a child.
Sometimes when we fail our children in such simple ways, the lifelong
consequences for them can be devastating. The human character is
the sum of one's life experiences and no experiences in
life are more important than during the
formative years of childhood.
I am a 40-year-old failure in life. The immediate causes of my failure to live
up to my potential as an adult are all those things that I have done to myself.
Honestly demands that I take responsibility for my many shortcomings, failings
and behaviors, so I shall do this. When I look at myself in the mirror I see
a man who has deliberately sabotaged his own life to a great extent. I am flawed
and I am sure that I will be flawed until the day that I die. I have come to
realize, however, that with my many deficiencies of character, I do not have
to succumb forever to the demons which luck deep within my heart. This has been
a very difficult lesson for me to learn, but I am lucky to have finally learned
it. Many like me never do and that is such a tragedy. So much potential, so much
intelligence and so much love wasted or never found simply because of deep holes
in the heart.
My biggest enemy in life is and always has been myself. I hope that while reading
this you understand clearly that I am not making excuses, or trying to avoid
personal responsibility for my defects of character, but rather that you see
exactly how incredibly important it is for children to get the love that they
require in life before it is too late. I am of the firm conviction that if you
set a child on the right path in life with love and affection in those years
that really matter that they will have be emotionally strong and capable no matter
what adversity they might face later in life. What you invest in them today will
determine whether they have the necessary emotional and psychological fortitude
to deal with life's difficulties tomorrow. If a child is neglected and/or
abused emotionally, psychologically or physically while growing up then they
will often become emotionally crippled and throughout life they very well may
make bad choices time and again and indulge in self-destructive behaviors hoping
to fill some empty hole that lies deep in their spirit.
It is only though great pain, suffering and after long years of anguish, that
some of these emotional cripples find a path which leads them to self respect,
inner peace and complete honesty with themselves. This path is very hard for
many to locate. I hope that I have finally found a path that leads me to such
a life, but even now I am not completely sure. All I know is that in writing
this I feel that for the first time in my life I am looking at what I really
am and what I see I do not like. I am a drunk and I have been one as long as
I can remember. I have used alcohol to run away from my problems in life all
my adolescent and adult life. Some people use drugs, others use sex, but my problem
solver has always come a bottle.
Many people view the self-destructive behaviors of people like me as being a
moral issue. They say they we make the choice to be anti-social and self-destructive.
They say that many people have a hard childhood and come out fine. I say that
there are just as many who have hard childhoods that do not come out fine. Those
who see us as "weak" people think that we are morally corrupt or
bankrupt and they are certainly entitled to that opinion. My self-destructive
behaviors have left me feeling morally bankrupt on many occasions, so who am
I to say that those who judge are wrong. I have hurt many people in my life and
simply saying, "I'm sorry" isn't enough. Just as one
cannot un-ring a bell, one cannot remove a hurt once it has been inflicted. I
know this and the past several days I have reflected upon just how many people
in my adult life I have hurt and disappointed. The number truly is too large
for me to contemplate. It would be easier for me to count all the stars in the
sky than to number the multitude I have harmed. This weighs heavily on me now,
but it is a burden that I pray to God that I never forget and never have removed
from my soul. Only, if I remember what I've done will I have a chance
to never do such things again. I know that I cannot undo the damage that I have
caused others, but I can hope that I will never again harm a living soul, including
myself.
 So how does all this relate to loving your child? As I look back over the course
of my life, I have been running... always running from this problem or that problem,
this person or that person. I have always seen myself as a victim. In truth the
only problem that I have ever really had is that I have been running from myself.
I have always hated myself. I have always regarded myself as being unworthy of
love and unworthy of self-respect. These feelings are not rooted in a deficient
intellect, for my IQ is quite high. These feelings have not been thrust upon
me during adulthood by others who dislike me. The fact is most people who meet
me like me... until the see the darkness which has always filled my spirit. When
I use the word "darkness" I do not mean evil or wickedness, but
self-loathing and self-hate.
These feelings of self-hate and self-destructive behaviors were planted long,
long ago. While my parents knew how to create children, they did not know how
to love them. You may be saying that this is an excuse and an attempt by me to
avoid personal responsibility for my shortcomings. It is not. I am the maker
of my own heaven or hell in life, but if I had been loved and nurtured while
I was young, I very well might not have spent and wasted my life running from
and ruining myself. If my mother and father would have cared at all about me,
then maybe I would have grown up with feelings of self-confidence, self-esteem
and self-worth. I was never taught that I was of any consequence whatsoever
and I grew believing that I was nothing. I have spent the better part of my life
living up to and striving to be what my parents taught me I was... a nobody and
a nothing. I have wasted many opportunities in life and I thrown away a wonderful
education that took me years to achieve. Every time something good has come my
way, I have always turned to the bottle to make sure that I destroyed it. This
is not normal... this is insanity. At least I have reached the point in my life
that I am ready to say that I am crazy. I am neither stupid nor bad, but I am
deeply flawed within.
Think what you will of me; agree or disagree with what I write, but much of the
psychological baggage that I have lugged throughout my life comes from my not-so-wonderful
years as I child. I do not blame my mother and father for the mess I've
made of my life, but I wonder just how different things might have turned out
if they had been capable of giving just a little love. I think the difference
might have been tremendous indeed.
 Maybe with just a small amount of affection, I would
have developed into a very different person. Surely, I am responsible for my
failures, but perhaps all of
this pain that I have endured and caused in my adult life could have been avoided
in my childhood. I beg you all to hug your child everyday and tell them often
how important they are to you. If you let them see your love, feel your love
and hear your love all throughout their childhood, the result will be sweet.
You will be raising well-adjusted and productive adults that someday will contribute
to society. If, however, you beat them physically, neglect them emotionally and
tear them down with innumerable humiliations then what you may very well create
is something that looks like me... a middle aged failure with many regrets.
The decision you make today may have lifelong consequences. Decide in favor of
love.
*
*
|
Late love
