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Satanic bathroom
Holy books in a unholy space


Omid Parsi
May 23, 2005

Bearing my share of personal guilt and responsibility for the soaring rage regarding the desecration of the holy Koran, I have decided to come clean and hereby formally apologize to all our Muslim brethren, begging their forgiveness for having kept a copy of the holy Koran among the stack of books and magazines in my bathroom.

I can only say that I did so out of sheer negligence and ignorance, though I fully understand that there is no excuse for what I have done and whatever I say can neither ease my sentence nor be of solace to our ragingly pure-hearted and zealous Muslim brothers and sisters.

It has been my indecent Western habit to use my often long visits to the bathroom to educate myself about all mysteries of life including finance, architecture, religion, politics, wine, style, fashion and gossip. I might as well further apologize to all the faithful of the world as I cannot think of a revered book ever dictated by god or man that has not at one point or another seen the inside of the often filthy and smelly bathroom of my tiny bachelor pad.

I shudder with guilt at the thought of having handled the holy Koran, while seated on my toilet answering nature's call. I know that it is of little comfort to my entaged Muslim brethren to know that I have also handled the new and old testament, the communist manifesto, Mein Kempf and even the Red Book in the same manner.

I do declare however that under no circumstances have I, or any guest of mine, ever used pages of any revered book or publication in liu of toliet paper, toilet plunger or cockroach splatter.

In the end I expect and accept many times the customary ultimate punishment for my unthinkable irreverence towards the one and only truly holy book. I understand that my absence of malice will not suffice to evade the ultimate wrath of the alimighty, but I just hope that my coming forward as such can afford me some forgiveness and ease my burden in the afterlife.

Having got the most disturbing confessions off my chest, I would like to say a belated last word to the pure hearted martyrs of the recent pro-Koran unrest in Afghanistan: Get a life!

I would also like to say to my zealous Muslim brethren: Come get me, as I await my sentence! My bathroom is yours...

Lastly, I would like to say to the Great Satan (a.k.a. the Great Satan in the parlance of the faithful) that has spread much sin and filth on earth in the guise of freedom and democracy: Enough trying to win the "hearts and minds" of the innocently zealous faithful thugs through cheap appeasements...

The West, should ponder whether its aplogetic stance and meekness in handling the Salman Rushdie affair and the like gave the "faithful" the audacity to give us 9/11.

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