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Summer sneeze
Execution is an effective cure
August 1, 2005
iranian.com
Sneezes in the summer can be due to hay fever or a cold. A cold
can be due to having caught a cold or walking around in wet clothes.
Clothes become wet when you are thrown in a swimming pool or a
river. This can happen if you’ve upset someone who is bigger
than you. Drowning is worse than catching a cold.
In the summer people wear less. This makes them more susceptible
to catching a cold if the temperature drops.
Sneezes come in different shapes and sizes depending on the
shape and size of the sneezer. If you are very big and fat your
sneeze is likely to reflect this. If you are small and mousy so
will your sneeze be. The first person that sneezed was an Eskimo.
Nowadays Eskimos sneeze less because they are not called Eskimos
anymore. Nor do they live in igloos. Instead they wear high-tech
fabrics and visit the liquor store. They tend to sneeze more in
the winter than they do in any other season because it is fashionable.
Sneezing for them is a social requirement that identifies their
class. When young people go on dates they get the sneezing out
of the way first. Then they talk about each other’s propensity
to sneeze.
In the summer they talk about politics because this
is when they sneeze least. In Western countries such as Eastern
Samoa, people tend to sneeze from July to August because they
have for centuries and why break an old habit. In India, however,
they cannot sneeze in the summer because monsoon rains cause
floods and drown people. These were started by a king called Mon
Soon
III, who was Korean. He ordered the clouds to break in the summer
so he could break wind in winter. When he broke wind everyone
in the court laughed and was executed. Execution is an effective
cure for sneezing. Doctors, still baffled by the common cold,
all agree that execution solves that problem too. It is also
a good for diabetes.
Summer carbon monoxide poisoning
Managers prefer staff not to be poisoned
as poisoning has been proven to affect productivity. Productivity
is key to ensuring
a company stays profitable even if that company produces cars
whose emissions poison its workers on the way to work. In China,
where there are no cars or Mexicans, people cycle to work and
poison each other by other means. The biggest industry in China
is bicycle manufacturing. Most of these bikes are sold to workers
so they can cycle to their bicycle factories.
The Chinese built
a Great Wall that you can see from outer space -- compare
this with Israelis who have built a wall, which you cannot see
from outer space. Quite how anyone knows you can see the wall
of China from space is a puzzle. Not many people have been to
outer space and those who have had no time for sightseeing. In
outer space, where coughing is impossible and there are no cars,
astronauts are paid to dangle from cables and wave. NASA provides
years of training in the art of dangling from cables and waving.
The first Chinese man who attempted to get into space used a bicycle.
Needless to say he did not get very far. He stopped at a 7-Eleven
midway and ordered a Slurpee, which they don’t have in China.
The summer foot sore
A result of excessive walking, foot sores are a relief for most
because they are on the foot and not on any other part of the
body. Feet are the least loved aspect of the human anatomy except
in China where they love their feet. Elsewhere feet tend to smell
and most given a choice would happily amputate theirs rather than,
say, an elbow. Elbows are extremely useful in the city because
you can elbow people on public transport. In China they are not
so useful because people have bicycles and prefer to kick each
other for right of way. This is why the Chinese love their feet.
People on bicycles developed the art of kung fu.
Ducks are the main ingredients in Peking duck, which means in
parts of the city there are no ducks. Instead they have sheep
in ponds. Nobody eats sheep and people think they are cute. But
sheep do not like to be in water for long because they get sore
feet and kick each other. The Japanese, on the other hand, do
not like sheep because they make poor sushi.
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