Persian letters
Marjan & Atta
March 20, 2006
iranian.com
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 12:44
From attajoon@emailjoon.com
To marjan.farmani@nathanfrankjames.com
Dear Marjan
Thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately I am busy Friday because I am washing my hair. I know I’m bald. It’s the hair on my back (nature has a wicked sense of humour). Still, I hope you will enjoy the opera without me.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 12:53
From marjan.farmani@....
To attajoon@....
Atta
That is terribly flaky of you. I paid for those tickets on my credit card. Could you not at least send me some shoes if you’re not coming? ;) Oh, and by the way, you also have hair on your ears.
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 13:05
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
I know it might look like I am blowing you out, and it is very kind of you to have bought those tickets. The fact is I am looking for a woman who wants more than footwear from a relationship. Of course, we need shoes, but I have much else to offer. My barber says ears cost five pounds extra; I am aware of the follicles. No doubt one of those buff Scandinavians you are fond of will accompany you to the opera.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:07
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
You are not blowing me out. Opera is for the discerning. I may be a “thick corporate lawyer” as you charmingly put it, but I was prepared to give you a chance – it is not true that I judge men by their income. As for “Scandinavian”, I said Swedish men. I don’t like Danes. They have a persecution complex, like Iranian men. And Norwegians are gay.
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:15
From attajoon@…
To marjan.farmani@...
Marjan
You band Iranian men into a single moron but Scandinavians get the benefit of fine distinction. Martyr-complex, if that’s what you’re referring too, is not unique to Iranian men. It is true, we not only want to look after our families, the extended remix relatives we are on speaking turns with – while fantasising about saving the lives of the ones we’re not talking to so that they might be eternally grateful to us – out a genuine sense of altruism, but we also want to be seen to belookingafter everyone. Women persecute themselves by aspiring to an ever more sophisticated model of man. Now, we are both single people, we should look out for each other and not cause each other pain. As for the opera, I don’t think I will survive beyond that date, so I am jumping, before I am pushed. Also, I don’t feel comfortable with your Porsche, and your aversion to public transport. Also, I was joking when I said Madame Butterfly was Gilbert & Sullivan’s best musical.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:25
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
Porsche too phallic for you? You want to live like a faghir, it’s your choice. I don’t use public transport, because I’m a private person. I’ve got my car because I like speed, it’s nothing to do with status. Okay, if I am totally honest, I am aware it of the status it gives me, but that’s secondary. But I like this dialogue. If you try to be reasonable, I think we can at least be friends. But don’t judge my car you muck-bag. Screw you and your Volkswagen Beetle.
M. x
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:30
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
The Beetle, as its name suggests, is a humble soul. And the design of your Porsche is based on it. But I suppose you could never see how a Beetle could be cooler than a Porsche, could you?
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:33
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
You are right. What is cool about your clapped-out junk-ball, which coughs like an old man? I visit my friends France, how could I drive there in that? Keep it. My Porsche gets me from A to B. Isn’t that the least you should expect from transport?
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:35
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
My Beetle does get me from A to B. True, sometimes it falls short, but that usually because I am depressed – I think you are too but unwilling to accept it – and my Bug picks up on the negative energy. We do vibe with the technology we use, you know. Anyway, look, it’s Norooz, it’s a time for us to put pettiness away and buy goldfish. Let’s stop bickering.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:39
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
I am surprised you bother with goldfish. Goldfish shit everywhere and they need their water changed.
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:43
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Haha. You’re right! Goldfish shit like idiots, and it all gets tangled up in that coral reef. And you’ve got to feed them and change the water. Poor things – short life spans among Iranians. They symbolise life, we eat one of their cousins with rice. Then we release them into the river by flushing them down the toilet. The fate of goldfish is a metaphor for that of our country.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:49
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
I totally agree with you. What we need is those plastic fish that waggle their tails and don’t poo.
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:51
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Brilliant. I like the haft-seen mirror though. An old mirror carries the soul of those who have looked into it before you. When I was a kid we had a mirror for years. I always saw my grandfather in it, telling me to shave the other way. Then it broke and we bought a new one from Ikea. Now an old man from Uppsala is reading assembly instructions in a factory.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:55
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
What do you think of samanou?
M.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:56
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Robocop dump.
A.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 14:58
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
Lol. That’s the funniest thing you ever said. Now tell me are you gonna come to this opera or are you gonna naaaaaz?
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 15.01
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Okay chick, count me in.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 15:30
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@....
Marjan?
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From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:15
Hello?
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From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:43
Opera-joon kojayee?
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:45
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@jasonjoon.com
Jason, that Iranian girl from the other night invited me to an opera. I said no. Then we exchanged a few emails (attached), now’s she’s disappeared and I feel ill. I cannot hand another moment I am so ill.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:53
From jasonmonks@...
To attajoon@...
You plonker. A girl asks you to the opera and you tell her to piss off.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:54
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Be gentle with me man, I was just a bit too cool. I’m do not feel well. I am about to melt into nothingness. She is gone. Shall I call her? I can’t… I want to top myself. How did I do it? Shall I call her?
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 16:55
From jasonmonks@...
To attajoon@...
Atta, you are a complete nob-end. Call her. What have you got to loose? You shouldn’t mess with women. No wonder you’re bald.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:05
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Jase, answering machine. Agghghgghg.. I left a message and I stuttererd. I SUTTTERED. I’m ill.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:06
From jasonmonks@...
To attajoon@...
Look mate, you did the right thing. If she likes you she won’t mind your speech impediment.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:07
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Thanks Jase. I want to shoot my self in the skull.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:08
From jasonmonks@...
To attajoon@...
You’ve shot yourself in the foot. Why not take it easy for now.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:10
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Agggh. Agghghghghghghghghg. I can’t bear it. She’s gonna date a Swede. Aghghghgg. Aghghghggaghghghgg.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:10
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
I feel together, but that I might fall apart. I can’t take another minute of this silence. Her silence kills me.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:53
From marjan.farmani@...
To attajoon@...
Sorry was in meeting. Show starts at 7.30 Tuesday. Meet you in theatre bar a seven.
M. x
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:53
From attajoon@...
To marjan.farmani@...
Sure. See you then.
A x
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 Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:55
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Jase!! I just had to say. There is definitely a God. And she is hip. Happy new year man.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:56
From jasonmonks@...
To attajoon@...
So she got back, nutter. I’m pleased for you man. Make sure to wash before the date. New year? It’s March. You Hindus are eccentric.
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Date sent: Fri, Mar 17, 2006 17:57
From attajoon@...
To jasonmonks@...
Cheers bro. I’ll make sure to wash. And I won’t eat anything until then. Love, it’s wafer thin between joy and being an empty bucket.
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