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Becoming Bobby and Sally
Since they found "Babak" and "Solmaz" too difficult to pronounce, they suggested that they should change their name to something more "American"


May 18, 2007

Being a regular reader of and having a wide circle of Iranian friends from all corners of our world of diaspora, I've come to a conclusion about at least half of Iranian-Americans; they are embarrassed about being Iranian (this is a hereditary disease we have in making up statistics on the spot when we try and emphasis a point, e.g. "In Iran 80% of the people wish to flee to the West", we're all guilty of it, including you "Bobby" (Babak) and "Sally" (Solmaz). Bobby and Sally are the typical Eye-Ranian Americans from Orange County who love to invite the Johnsons next door to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Although the celebration itself to mark solitude between the Native Americans and European settlers is forgotten. Instead a lifetime effort to prove something else instead. The Johnsons have already heard plenty of times how wonderful "Persia" was under the Shah, how Tehran was the Jewel or Paris of the Middle-East, when the Iranian toman was kissed by Turkish exchange bureaus in Istanbul, when US pilots would kiss-ass Iranian F-14 pilot aces in Houston Texas crying "We're not worthy of your G-12 turns", when Cyrus the Great freed the ancestors of Ariel Sharon and the other Zionists who are hell bent in destroying those which saved them from genocide under the Babylonians, where the country of one of the world's largest oil and gas reserves is being ruled under an Iron-Islamic fist.

Mr. "Chuck" Johnson and Mrs. Sandra Johnson toast yet another final Thanksgiving to "freedom" and "democracy" in the USA, so that our very brave Reza Pahlavi (who waits by the toilets in UN conferences to talk to Clinton or Bush after they've releaved themselves), can return to Iran so that he can be "Light of the Aryans" to. Indeed Chuck received the Avesta from Bobby to read how Iranians had the first monothestic religion in the world, a religion which its foundations are based upon "good deeds", "good words", "good thoughts", something he's never read and is collecting dust on his immaculate bookshelf. Sandra has tried many times to cook Qormeh Sabzi, but every time the polo is either too hard or too soft and the khoresht is either "bi-namak" (without salt) or sloppy.

Chuck and Sandra are fully aware that Persians are Aryans and not Arabs, that most Iranians are only muslims by name, love the Pahlavi royal family, love America, and that because of evolution the hair colour of most Persian woman turns blond with time. Since they found "Babak" and "Solmaz" too difficult to pronounce, they suggested that they should change their name to something more "American". Bobby and Sally's children are called Nathanial and Gloria, and when asked of their roots, they quietly say Persia in class, and discreetly missed class the day they had to present their essay "Who am I and where do I come from". Bobby and Sally also flew all the way to London to demonstrate against the "kidnap" of British navy personnel, something the British even refrained from doing.

I actually feel sorry for Bobby and Sally. It must be tough waking up every day knowing that when you walk into a supermarket, White Anglo-Saxon Americans will give you suggestive looks that Bin laden is your pesar-amoo (cousin). I mean how tough was it going to college with all those "Fuck Iran", "Bomb Iran into the Stone Age" demonstrations. Or what about when they were diplomatically asked to validity of our favourite film "Not Without My Daughter"? How do Bobby and Sally feel when they are asked by David and Sarah their Jewish neighbours exactly what our current president means when he says "Israel must be wiped off the map"?

But at the same time I fear Bobby and Sally. I really do. I think I've broken four satellite remote controls after throwing them at the tv screen when I hear those so called "vatan-parasts" discuss their strategies about bringing "freedom" to Iran. They attempt to excite the semi-educated, unemployed frustrated youth to rise against their oppressors. And once again, after a bloody revolution, for them to come and take over the luxurious positions of the clerics, to steal, waste and claim to righteous possessors of power.

Or what about the so-called "Doctors" who appear on the screen giving family, health and psychological advice to Iranians both in Iran and abroad. I wonder in which of their rooms they've hung up their Phoenix Online University PhD which they bought for $10,000. Is it placed underneath a Hafiz poem, or is the Shahanshahi and US flag dangling on the edges? OK, I'll come to the point, enough of the sarcasm. If, and that's a BIG IF, the US decides for a mass attack, IF they are successful in overthrowing the current regime, Bush and his cowboys will place these very Bobby's, Sally's, and Eye-Ranian Americans into power. Comment

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Medieval Persian Epigrams
Translated by Dick Davis


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