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 Holy governor
Looking for a job in Iraq
By Linda Ghassemi
April 11, 2003
The Iranian
United States of America Government
White House
Re: Governor of Iraq
Dear Mr. President,
Should you be in the market for a seasoned, accomplished
governor for any future county within Iraq, especially the territories
surrounding the holy cities of Najaf or Karbala, the enclosed resume
should be of interest to you.
My background includes a B.S. in Business Managment
from an accredited university in the U.S, coupled with over 20 years
of experience living in a Middle Eastern country (Iran), and meeting
lots of Iraqi refugees. During this time, I also studied Arabic
language for 7 years in junior high and high school.
Below is a list of my qualifications:
-- U.S citizen, this way my loyalty to U.S is proved
and in no way I will do anything in favor of Middle Eastern folks
that may have not any profit for my current country of residence.
-- Not fond of Iraqis so much, due to eight years
of war between Iran-Iraq. I will oversee the income distribution
from oil and will make sure the bigger chunk goes to Vice President
Cheney’s account.
-- Middle Eastern look, this way people will be deceived
and think I am on their side. And also complete familiarity with
the region’s tradition and culture.
-- Family ties to one of the most influential religious
Shia families in history. (Indeed one of my grandmother’s
dear cousins was a grand ayatollah AND a British spy.) Shajarenameh
(family tree) will be provided upon request.
Other experiences include:
-- Elementary school spent in Iranian bomb shelters.
-- Had to pretend I believed in Islam, despite having atheist parents.
-- Lying to school officials about my father's drinking.
-- Complete insight of region's culture (forced to study Arabic
for 7 years).
-- Member of large family (35 first cousins), so I will be able
to deal well with tribal issues.
-- Mastered the art of lying by keeping wild parties secret from
parents and revolutionary militia men.
If you appoint me as one of your representatives
in Iraq, it will be greatly appreciated especially by both my grandmothers.
It will facilitate their pilgrimage to the holy cities and they
will pray for you a lot.
I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you to
discuss how, as a governor, I might make great contributions to
your propaganda. Should you wish to explore this matter in greater
detail, please contact me. My resume is enclosed below.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Ibn-al Vaght
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Holy governor
