 Wham, bam, thank you Azam
I owe Ms. N. a debt of gratitude for love finally
coming and knocking on my door
Sima Shirazi
February 10, 2005
iranian.com
Here is my tribute to one of your best
writers for sharing her "Make
it your bible, bubba" with the world. Doctor Ruth step aside! Let a real love doctor shake up
the house! That's exactly what Azam N is doing in the
cross-dressing and the gay communities these days. Her love guide,
Make it your
bible, bubba, on to how to win a mate has become must read material
for anyone looking for a same-sex relationship around the world.
Ms. N has become a the idol of and role model to innumerable
cross-dressing queens in clubs around the world. It is our Iranian
cross-dressing queens who have made the tremendous effort to introduce
the international community of gays and cross-dressers to her many
one of a kind writings. Once the non-Iranians realize what a Supreme
Debutante she is, they scramble to copy her style and look.
Azam-mania is spreading like fire around the world. From L.A.
to Frankfurt to Tokyo, cross-dressers copy her photos from the
Internet
to capture the essence of her Khusestani-look and then they pour
over her many public writings in a effort to piece together what
they feel as true approximation of her personality. She is the
absolute Queen of Mean and we love her to death. She has in a few
short years become an icon in our she-male community. She tells
it like it is and she's as ballsy, brassy and sassy as they come.
Everyone in the gay and cross-dressing communities wants to shout
in unison to her, "You go girl!!!"
On
a personal level, I owe Ms. N. a debt of gratitude for love finally
coming and knocking on my door. Love is so special and
its all because of Azam. She is a real drag-queen's Queen. She
is not just a Queen of Hearts, but a Queen of all the other Wonderful
Parts, too. I had never heard of her until the middle aged Iranian
man of my dreams came sashaying into the local L.A. gay club
where I worked as a she-male impersonator. He followed each and
every
step in Azam's guide to finding that special middle aged Iranian
soul-mate.
From the time our eyes first met, he followed each
and every one of her steps exactly. He swept me off my feet like
no man
has ever done. If you are gay or a cross-dresser, I can't recommend
Azam's bible to you highly enough. It's almost as if she wrote
it for all of us. I know that it's too much to even dream of,
but maybe, just maybe it's possible she is one of us and that
is why
her writings resonate so strongly and deeply within our community.
When my Reza Azizam first came to the Revolver club in West Hollywood
he followed each and everyone of Azam's detailed action packed
stage-steps to finding and winning me, his middle aged Iranian
of his dreams. Here are some of Ms. N's wonderful steps,
if you haven't read them before, and how Reza Joon put them into
action. I have highlighted each step and then in plain print explained
how Reza followed each one. I know I can never thank her enough,
but if she were here I'd say again and again, "Wham! Bam!
Thanks, Azam!"
STAGE ONE
You have met one of us middle-aged Iranian baby boomers
at a function and want to ask us for a date.
Reza Joon did meet
me at the club so we consider that a function. He said that when
he saw me in my evening gown and pumps that he knew that I was
them man for him. He said that he wanted to ask me for a date on
the spot, but he ran to the bathroom to reviewing Azam's step by
step method, so he wouldn't make a mistake.
Do not stare and do not be over aggressive. We don't
want fast talkers and Slick Wiley's.
At first I thought Reza was staring,
then I realized that it was merely a gaze. I agree with Azam that
I wouldn't have given him the time of day if he had been a fast
talker or a Slick Wiley, but I knew that handsome hunk of man had
a Persian Wiley that I was definitely interested in from the start.
Do look at us with enough interest mixed with a tiny
bit of longing, especially if a beautiful Iranian song is played
in the background.
Pay attention to the words and when you hear the words that touch
your heart gently close your eyes showing us you feel the words.
If you don't know what I am talking about your beyond help and
don't bother dreaming about a Persian Princess.
Once Reza
got the nerve to come up and speak to me, he looked dreamily into
my eyes as Siavash music played in the background backstage.
He closed his eyes along with the music so much though that at
first I thought he had something in his eyes. I asked him if he
needed a doctor and he said he was "feeling" the music
in his heart. I was touched by his deep emotion and sensitivity.
Do ask us general questions and talk about your quest
to find an Iranian princess. We talked for hours that first night
about life in the L.A. gay scene and how we were both tired of
foreign lovers (Azam really stresses the point that outsiders are
just unsuitable for any relationship longer than a quickie) . He
told me that he was looking for that special man that would be
his Persian Princess for ever. I began to hope in my mind that
I could be his special she-male, but I didn't show it.
Do tell us nicely that you would love to have dinner
with us provided we grant you the honor. Make sure you use the
word honor
in Farsi.
Reza finally got around to asking if he might call
me for a date. I thought he might chicken out, so I kept dropping
little hints like any attentive potential partner would. He finally
mustered his courage and while gazing into my big brown eyes
with his steely black eyes he asked if he could have the honor
of calling
me the next evening at 7:30. It's not necessary to tell you how
I answered.
Now you have gotten our permission to call us for a date.
Do call at the designated
time.
He was as punctual as punctual
can be. My heart began beating out of my closely shaved chest along
with uncontrollable throbbing in other parts of my body when I
heard the phone ring. I knew that love was calling and I wasn't
going to let this big hunk of Iranian man get away. Oh, may Khoda
always bless you Azam. You really are a gay man's dreams.
Don't play games and pretend you forgot when you were
supposed to call.
There was none of that, so he just skipped this
step.
Do not say any words in English. Do not talk about what
you do or anything that shows you are trying to appear very important.
Actually
Reza got a bit tongue tied on that first phone call, so he didn't
say much in English or Farsi. I did most of the talking about my
own big and beautiful self.
Do sound sincere and indicate what you liked about us
in the brief meeting you had. Make sure it was something such
as personality,
the warmth of dealing with people or anything that shows you were
observant.
Reza was very sincere and he told me that I had
the nicest butt of all the drag queens in the show that night.
I thought he was very observant to notice.
Warning: Do not tell us that you want a date because
we are attractive or have a great body! Shallow minds come in
shallow bodies!
Here
I have to disagree on this point with our Queen of Hearts and other
Wonderful Parts. You know what they say about gay men: Shallow
mind, deep behind... and that is the very best kind!
Also remember that the scoreboard in our mind is working
and you are getting scores that are either negative or positive.
Reza
definitely got very big scores that night on the phone. I got so
excited during that first call that I almost fainted and he almost
forgot to ask me out.
Do not ever say you do not like Iranian food. Do not
try to impress us by suggesting some outrageous food like frog
legs (we know it
tastes like chicken but we still do not want to eat it. Thanks)
or snake soup. Reza suggested that we go to Shamshiry for
kebabs. I liked that idea because he showed his devotion to our
gay Iranian culture and watching him eat those kebabs, I imagined,
would be absolutely erotic.
STAGE TWO
You have set a date and here is what you need to know.
Do not just buy a bouquet of roses for us.
Do show you care and ask the florist to place some
beautiful flowers that remind us of Iran to be mixed into the
bouquet. Freesias
are heavenly and remind us of Iran when we were teenagers.
Actually,
Reza brought a beautiful bouquet of banafshehs. Oh how I love banafshehs.
When I was a little boy in Iran, I used to dream of being someone's
Persian Princess as I ran through fields of banafshehs.
Do listen to some good Iranian music and select some
to play in your car when you pick us up. Use those that have
beautiful
and romantic words and can be related to. I suggest Moin's "Meeparastam" (I
worship) and Omid's latest CD, "Victory".
We listened
to Mansour and the Black Cats. They are all so hot and they have
bulges in the right places and look good in tight jeans... .yeah
tight butts, in tight jeans, now you're talking.
Do not wear common cologne that a bimbo in the mall convinced
you to buy (Polo is an absolute no no). Do wear a hint of clean
scent and put a dab in the palm of your hands. You should know
why.
Reza Azizam wore my favorite Old Spice... .and wore
it on his hands, face and every other place.
Do not wear any gold chains, bracelets, and rings because
you would look like a pimp. Very tacky. Also, do not wear a Rolex
or
any other high-end watch. That indicates you are newly arrived
and desperately trying to appear rich.
No gold chains or
Rolex watch that night. Reza just wore faded jeans and drove in
a Porsche.
Helpful hint: Really wealthy people don't give a damn about what
others think and they do not wear expensive watches either. Do
wear a simple watch and a nice cotton shirt (preferably long sleeve
so you can leave a lot to imagination) with no logos on the outside.
Pay attention here.
Do not show up with perfectly manicured hands. Clear
polish would turn us off. We want to be the pretty one and we
like our Iranian
men just showered, shaven (a trim beard like Sattar's is okay and
for some of us it is sexy and exudes raw sensuality.)
Personally,
I like my man hairy, but that's just a matter of taste, I suppose.
Reza was clean and almost well shaven. He definitely exuded raw
sensuality.
Do make sure your nails are short and your hands are
smooth.
No
problems in this department
STAGE THREE
You are at our place to pick us up.
Do not be late. When you arrive do not say hello or any
greetings in English. Do say greetings in Farsi and extend your
hand to shake
ours. Present the flowers and say the Persian expression "You
are a flower yourself but I brought these for you." Practice
before saying it to us.
Oh, my God... Reza got on one knee
and did this in my yard. All of my gay neighbors were eating their
hearts out.
Once we take the flowers from you and go in search of
a vase to place them in, come in and make yourself comfortable.
Reza
came in and sat on one of my rose red beanbags.
Do not stare at anything and do not overly admire any
aspect of our place.
I think that he wasn't as impressed as he thought
he was going to be. He really didn't like my plastic flowers. I
got them on sale at Walmart.
Do express what you like about our place in a sincere
way. For example you can say that the paintings remind you of
your house
in Iran or you like the Iranian art.
Reza told me that the
windows in my living room reminded him of the windows in his families
last apartment in Tehran. When I said that windows are windows,
he was very kind and said that these windows were special because
they looked as if they were made of Iranian glass.
Warning: Don't ever say anything like, "I do not like Iranian
art" or "my ex had this picture or that piece of furniture"..
Reza
doesn't like any kind of art, so this has never been a problem.
STAGE FOUR
We are on way to have dinner.
Do not run ahead of us.
Reza was a gentleman, but he kept
falling behind to look at my behind. I thought that was a little
rude considering we hadn't even had an appetizer yet.
Do open the door and wait until we are in the car then
close the car door.
He did this, but when he slammed the door it
hit my hand hard and broke one of my nails. I was really pissed
because I had on my favorite hot red nail polish on, but I got
over it.
Do not turn on the radio.
No, like I said we listened to
Mansour and the Black Cats. You know that Kamran and Hooman are
just the sweetest little things in the world. I bet Kamran is a
bit of a cross dresser, he looks pretty feminine, and Hooman...
if you just gave me one evening with him, I'm sure he be a dynamite
gay entertainer.
Do tell us what CD or tapes you have and play what we
ask or simply play the music you have chosen with meaningful
Farsi words.
I
think that all Farsi words are pretty meaningful especially if
Mansour or the Black Cats sing them... everyone in the gay community
is dying for just one night of passion with these guys.
Do not talk about your work and how much money you make
or how sensitive your position is because you don't know anything
about
our work and income.
Reza didn't talk about how much money he made
at all... he didn't even mention having a job. He was very interested
in how much money
I made though, so we talked about that. He also wanted to know
that if he were my guest at the Revolver club if he could get free
drinks.
Do talk in general about living in the US and what you
feel you are missing in your life.
We both dig living in the US. The
gay and cross-dressing scene is just so happy and free-spirited
here. Nothing like Iran where you have to hide in a dark and dingy
basement or something. Here we are free to be the biggest, baddest,
bitchiest, gayest drag queens that we want to be and no one can
do a damn thing.
It's like when our icon Azam starts giving people
a piece of her mind. No one can do a damn thing whether she's right
or wrong! It doesn't matter if she's right or wrong, the smartest
person on the planet or the dumbest horses-butt in the world. No
one can do anything to her. She can say anything she likes, no
matter how outrageous or insensitive. She can be the biggest bitch
in the world and no one can do anything to stop her. Neither Leona
Helmsley nor H.I.H. Princess Ashraf can't hold a candle to Azam
when it comes to being sassy and mean. "You go girl!!!"
STAGE FIVE
We are at the restaurant to eat.
Do not order wines you cannot even pronounce.
Thank
God, Reza didn't do this. I would have just wilted if the waiter
would
have said, "huh?"
Do ask us to order first and whether we like to have
a drink or not.
Reza ordered for both of us. I think that is oh so
manly, don't you? Then, of course we had a couple of Miller Lites.
I thought it was just heavenly to swill beer with such a handsome
middle aged man. I know every woman (and man) over 45 was looking
at my man and thinking "umm... .I want some of that."
Do not swallow your food quickly and do not wipe your
plate with pieces of bread.
No bad table manners with Reza Joon. He
eats like a bird and has the manners of Miss Manners, herself.
Do eat slowly and listen to what we say.
Actually, we both
ate quickly so we could get to the club in time to shake our groove
things all night long. I know I should have tested Reza to make
sure he had that third ear Azam talked about, but by the time I
thought about it we were already at the club and the music was
just to loud to test him, so we just shook our booties all night
long. Sorry, Azam.
Warning: You need to develop a third ear when dating an Iranian
because we would question you indirectly to make sure you were
paying attention! Get used to this and become good at it!
STAGE SIX
The date is over and you drive us back to our place. Do
not ask to come in for a nightcap.
We didn't get back
to my place until 6:30 am, so I didn't have to worry about the
nightcap part. I just made breakfast for him. I had to show him
that I'm a good little homemaker in the kitchen. He ate and ate
and ate.
Do say you had a great time and you realize we have a
busy day on Sunday so you would like to wish us good night.
After
eating breakfast, he said he hated to eat and run, but he had to
go and cruise West Hollywood for a while.
Do not try to hug or kiss us. We like to build
anticipation and like to think you value yourself. We also love
men that are shy
and innocent. Yes, throw away your Western "how to" book
that are for boring and very predictable playboy types. We have
few of them as friends and we find them "used" and unromantic.
Do extend your hand to shake ours. You can also gently
kiss our fingers. But do not go any further.
Before
Reza left he kissed my hands and then I licked his. OOH... it
was absolutely delicious.
He said that we had to wait until another time... for now we were
building anticipation like Azam recommended.
STAGE SEVEN
The next day after the initial date:
Do not call and try to sound overly enthusiastic. Do not
exaggerate about your impression of us.
Reza
didn't even call for three days... I had to call him.
Do be honest and state whether you want to see us again
or not.
Reza
said he lost my number and he was waiting for me to call. I'm glad
I did. Of course, I did have to beg just a little bit...
.but I'm sure Azam has begged on plenty of occasions herself.
Great hint: Make a lot of notes about your first date
with us. Write down the smallest details. If we end up becoming
your soul
mate you can surprise us by showing us what you wrote and we would
think you are wonderful and be really touched.
Reza didn't do any
of this because he was mesmerized by my beautiful make-up and hair.
I can't blame him for that. Even, Ms. N. would have to admit that
there aren't many guy-gals like me.
I'm going to skip Stage Eight because it's a list of don't, don't
and more don't. Reza hasn't any of them like talking about his
old boyfriends. The one thing that Azam said to do... call
"azizam" and "joone delam", he does faithfully. I would just die
if he called me that horrible "B" word... no, not
bitch... "BABE".
Azam says that "babe" is
for some convenient quickie in the past. This relationship is definitely
not a quickie. It is the real thing. He is my knight is shining
armour and I will be his Persian Princess for life. I would
let some of you gals out there were one of my glass slippers, but
they are size 12, sorry!
I'm going to skip Stage nine, as well. It's kind of long and
it would take a book to write about the dinner, poetry reading
and cheek-to-cheek dancing that led to the mountaintop... Stage
10!
STAGE TEN
You are ready to make love to us.
All I could think of
was finally. Reza followed all of Azam's steps and as far as I
was concerned he could have skipped everything after Step five,
but that just shows how committed he is to making Ms. N's love
tips his bible.
Do not attack us and do not make strange noises.
Reza did
growl a little bit or maybe it was just purring like a big Persian
cat ready to pounce. Whatever it was, it didn't bother me. It just
got me in the mood, too!
Do be gentle and look into our face first and slowly
go for the important step.
Yes, yes, yes... gentleness is good... up
to a point.
Helpful hint: Do you remember as a child when you went
to the holy shrines you were told to kiss every part to be rewarded?
Think
of our bodies as a holy shrine. Kiss every part and you will be
rewarded in a big way!
We both remembered all of this. I
kissed his shrine and then he kissed mine. Ms. N was right we rewarded
each other in a very BIG way... actually two ways.
Do not say any words in English and do not ask us any
stupid questions about what we want. We are extremely intelligent
and
know what we want. We have given you indirect hints throughout
our courtship and will continue to do so.
There was no English
or Farsi spoken the whole time, just a lot of sweating and gorilla
like noises. We knew exactly what we wanted and we sent to each
other's shrines numerous times like Azam advised.
 Warning: If due to nervousness or overexcitement you cannot perform
do not curse or make excuses. We understand. You have being going
to boring amusement parks and now you are at the gates of a Persian
monument. It is quite overwhelming. Our beautiful and sensual gaze
can completely throw you off balance.
Do smile and say, "I'm nervous." We won't think any
less of you. In fact we will come to the rescue. I promise.
This
was not a problem at all... Whew!!!
Do not ever ask "did you come"? The cars you drove
in the past had poor engines with high mileage because of wear
and tear due to being driven by various drivers for many years.
The car you are riding now is a luxury car, driven only on a special
occasions, therefore, the engine is in good shape. Besides we are
not with you for the sake of being with a man or to make us feel
wanted. We are with you because we want you.
My engine was
humming and running, and Reza's was jumping and humping. Azam was
right again. We didn't have to ask silly questions like "did
you come", we both knew the answer to that.
Do look into our eyes and gently kiss our face (never
the eyes because it causes separation, yes that is a superstition
but it
is true).
Well this was a bit difficult, we couldn't
exactly look into each other's eyes because of our preferred position.
Sorry, Azam.
Do not say stupid things like "I have to pee" or "have
to go to the boy's room." That is so unromantic. Do simply
say "excuse me, I will be right back."
We didn't
stop long enough to have to go to "pee", so this never
presented itself as a problem. Reza did leave once, but he was
a gentleman. He just needed a little Preparation H.Do not say anything
that shows you are comparing us to your ex. That shows lack of
class and taste. Reza almost called me Davood Ghorbonet beram
once, but he stopped himself in mid-sentence and I forgave him.
Do tell us honestly how we made you feel. We know because
we are at "home" too.
We both felt like we went home
to the beauty of the Alborz Mountains. He climbed on my mountain
and I climbed on his many times that long and loving night.
I think I will skip the remaining steps because you can see just
how helpful Ms. N's "bible" is in finding your middle
aged Iranian gay man of your dreams. I don't know how many hundreds
and hundreds of same-sex couples she has helped with this step
by step guide to manly love. There is no one in the world quite
like Azam N. She is one of a kind.
She is becoming an international
icon and people who write nasty things about her don't really know
her. Yes, she is sometimes egotistical,
selfish, and prejudiced against others. She does prejudge without
having all the facts and, yes, she treats people like dirt. But,
she does all of these things only for one reason and that is because
no one, anywhere, is as smart, beautiful, charming, sassy, ballsy,
brassy, or bitchy as she is. All of you who can't appreciate all
of these qualities do not even deserve to speak her high and mighty
name. You don't even deserve to brush the dirt from her shoes.
 Ms. N, from all of us that love you and dress like you and wish
that we could be you, keep up the good work of showing the world
what and independent and self righteous woman you are. You are
like a candle in a dark room showing drag queens everywhere what
they should aspire to become. From all of us to you, "You
go girl!!!"
*
*
|
Wham, bam, thank you Azam
