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Chocolate god
Surely chocolate moose has a higher water content, and therefore would be a better representative of Jesus' body than some dry crackers


Behrouz Joon
January 16, 2006

I'm wondering (that happens after 2 glasses of Absolute) about religion. It is such a confusing topic for idiots like myself, who rely on common sense to get by in this miserable world.

Take Christianity for example. On Sundays Christians (I'm a Catholic School product which explains my shortcomings) go to church, and eat a wafer, and drink some wine. The wafer is representative of Jesus' body, and the wine is representative of his blood. I wonder if crackers and wine are the best symbolic representatives of Jesus.

I mean why not appeal to the prurient interests of humans, and have chocolate moose and milk every Sunday instead of crackers and wine? Technically the human body water content is roughly 60%; surely chocolate moose has a higher water content, and therefore would be a better representative of Jesus' body than some dry crackers!

Furthermore (this is the type of word that writers throw out in a shameless attempt to confuse their audience into thinking they know something, it simply means "in addition"), milk is a better representative of blood than wine, as the protein content of milk is at least closer to blood than the chemical composition of fermented grape juice!

That's just Christianity though, Islam is equally as confusing!

In the Quran, there is talk of milk and dates, awaiting the faithful in heaven (the fruit not members of the opposite sex waiting to catch a movie... though apparently those are available in heaven too).

We are told that the Quran is the word of God, and inasmuch (yes this is actually a word, frequently used in legal writing and thrown in as another shameless attempt to prove I have my GED) as God has knowledge of the past and the future, the reference to milk and dates is confusing!

To better illustrate my point... I love having the molten chocolate cake and ice cream dessert at Chili's.

If I were in heaven (not likely for a lawyer), I would want to have molten chocolate cake and ice cream... not dates and milk! So why then would God refer to milk and dates as the rewards awaiting the faithful? Why not refer to baklava, or Peach Melba?

Surely God would be aware of all, and therefore would know that some day, someone would start Chili's and offer chocolate cake and ice cream, and that this dessert would taste better than milk and dates! Then why the specific reference to milk and dates in the Quran?!

I suppose there are those who say the reference is because back in those days the population for which God intended the Quran needed to understand sweetness awaits them, and dates were symbolic of the sweetness.

Again I am confused, because if as many scholars claim, Islam was meant for the world entire, then how were the Goths, Huns, and Vikings supposed to be enticed by dates? Surely they would not have seen dates in their sub-zero climate.

Anyhow, not withstanding Chili's dessert menu, there are better tasting treats than dates awaiting those who will go to heaven (a large portion of whom will be those who don't masturbate. Apparently masturbation is a big "no-no" according to most religions... another reason why in all probability I won't be going to heaven, but I digress).

Religion is a topic far too confusing for simpletons like myself. The intense and in depth level of mental gymnastics required to "sedate" one's mind into comprehension, is a feat that one as feeble minded as myself is incapable of.

Chili's dessert menu however, I am happy to report, is a topic that I have managed to grasp and understand in its entirety.

So I leave you the faithful, to salvation in the desert; as I continue with my salivation in my dessert!

For letters section
Behrouz Joon

Behrouz Joon


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by Iraj Pezeshkzad
translated by Dick Davis
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