THE IRANIAN
Horrorscope
Week of Oct 17, 1997 - Mehr 25, 1376
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Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Farvardin/Aries | Ordibehesht/Taurus | Khordad/Gemini | Tir/Cancer | Mordad/Leo | Shahrivar/Virgo | Mehr/Libra | Aban/Scorpio | Azar/Sagittarius | Dey/Capricorn | Bahman/Aquarius | Esfand/Pisces
Past predictions
Farvardin/Aries (March 21-April 19)
You will hear someone say something bad about your heritage AGAIN. You will remind him about Koorosh and Daryoush (the king), Hafez and Rumi, Persian cats, caviar and carpets. You will make it clear that our language is Indo-European and we are not Arab or Muslim but Aryan. Taraf will not be impressed. You will get real angry and shout: "LAA ELAAHA ELALAAH! Cheqadar eenaa gaavan!"
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Ordibehesht/Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Shah and the Imam will appear in your dream. Do me a favor. Ask the Shah how did he used to make those tight turns on the icy slopes of the Swiss Alps, on one hand, feet in the air? Awesome moves. Oh! And ask the two of them whether they've resolved their differences yet. No one really gives a damn, but it's been almost 20 years since the revolution for Christ's sake. Do I have a question for the Imam as well? I do, actually. He said something once that really turned me off. Ask him was he really serious when he said Marlon Brando sucked in "The Godfather"?
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Khordad/Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You will have a surprise guest. You know how it is. It's the decent Iranian thing to be an unselfish generous host. Be nice to her. Let her sleep in your bed. Give her a nice massage. That's good... enough...basseh...hosh-shaaaa! Alo! Cut! ... Okay. Let me explain something. She's a woman and so are you. So what? Eenjaa aamreekaast? Evaa khaak beh saram!
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Tir/Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Congratulations! You will be chosen "Used Car Salesman of the Year" by your employee (your girlfriend, whom you don't pay a salary) for the fourth year in a row. If you'd just stop digging your nose in front of customers as if you were trying to reach a revolving spot all the way under your skull...
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Mordad/Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
Your local department store will refuse to give you a refund for the dress you're trying to return. They have a limit of 10 returns per month per customer. That's okay. Don't make a scene. Don't call your mommy joon on your cellular phone and start crying with 15 people waiting in line behind you. Go home. Go on... bareekallaa dokhatar khoob... khodaa naseeb nakoneh.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Shahrivar/Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
You will find that dokhtar najeeb irooni you had been searching for all these years. Her name is Masoumeh Fakher.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Mehr/Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
It's your first visit back to Iran since moving to the United States a year ago. You will go to Mashhad to pay your respects to Imam Reza. You will try to remember the right prayers. You will mumble something..."Yaa Imam Ali, qorboon-e labaaye teshnat beram, kay zaaher meeshee... okay, no problem! Bat you know someting? I love you very much, dear Imam... " and start to sob.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Aban/Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
You'll feel generous this week. You'll leave a $1 tip on top of the loose change after an $89.35 dinner. Damet garm. Kheyli aaqaaee...
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Azar/Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
That's good. You listened to my advice last week about cutting down on the chelo kabab with extra koobideh. Now roll over.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Dey/Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
You will meet the man of your dreams. But he's a complete jerk. You will reject him. You will embrace my love instead... aakh! haalaa cheraa meezanee?
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Bahman/Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
You continue to have complete faith in Marxist-Leninist ideology. You remain convinced that Iran will ultimately become a socialist state, liberated from capitalism, religion and imperialism. Beesheen sar-e jaat baabaa!
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
Esfand/Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
The sun and moon will be in perfect positions in relation to Mars to win the $50-million lottery. But you're a Pisces, ha ha ha, hee hee ho! Doesn't that suck? Oh come on... be a good sport. I'm a Pisces too. Let's go out for some beer.
Send your Horrorscope predictions to jj@iranian.com
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