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Zan zalil
Most Iranian women like to keep their man on a short leash

September 13, 2002
The Iranian

I'm not the sharpest knife in the kitchen when it comes to dating women. I'm rough around the edges and I don't play well with others. My style is raw. I see what I like and -- BOOM -- I go for the throat. The way I see it, she either gives in to my manly charm or she will call the cops (mostly the latter).

My aggressive style doesn't sit well with Iranian women. Most Iranian women like guys who are -- how can I put it in gentle terms -- pussy-whipped (zan zalil). They like to keep their man on a short leash. They like guys who are kind, gentle, affectionate, intelligent, understanding, compromising, passionate, spiritual, modest, funny, and of course, most importantly, loaded with currency.

Hey, there is nothing wrong with wanting it all. If you can find a man like that, ride him like a pony and milk him like a cow. Whatever works.

I was at a job interview the other night. Well, it was really a date but it felt like a job interview. You see, my date was in her mid-thirties. Ain't nothing wrong with that except her biological clock was ticking and I'm NOT talking "tick, tick", it was more like "BANG, BANG". You could hear it from a mile away.

Naturally, she was in the market to find her cow. Aren't we all? It's just that the cow sitting across the table happened to be me. She was all business, no messing around on her part, a real no nonsense type.

"I'm going to ask you three questions," She said. "These questions will allow me to better understand what kind of a man you are and what kind of a future I can have with you."

"Excuse me, come again!?"

She went on without hesitation, "I believe a woman should constantly improve her image. Since Iranian men are old fashioned. How do you feel about me getting plastic surgery?"

"Well, it's okay with me as long as the surgery increases the size of certain body parts, which enable you to audition for Bay Watch."

"I'm not talking breast implants. I'm talking about a nose job," She howled.

"Oh yeah, that would help too."

She looked at me with resentment for a moment and continued, "I am a successful career woman. Since Iranian men are overly jealous, how would it make you feel if I went on an overnight business trip with my boss?"

"Whatever. Can we talk more about that breast implant surgery?"

"I take these questions very seriously. Please be careful about your answers."

"Okay, take it easy. I'm just having fun."

"Well, don't have fun at my expense."

"Say what?"

"Last question and last chance to redeem yourself," She snapped at me. "If you, your mom, and I are trapped in a deserted island and we have food for only two people, who would you chose to share the food with? Me or your mom?"

That was a trick question.

"That would all depends on whether you got those breast implants or not."

"Listen you hairy asshole! I have no time to waste on you. I'm going to give you one more chance. You screw this up and I'm out of here."


She looked deep in my eyes and asked in a threatening voice, "I hate men that don't make the effort to satisfy me in bed. Since Iranian men are lazy in bed, how far would you go to satisfy me?"

I had to think about that for a second.

"Well, between me being trapped on a deserted island and you being on a business trip with your boss, I don't think we should worry about that!"

I felt a cold sensation of ice tea being splashed on my head. She got up and walked away with decisive steps. She stopped and yelled from across the room, "Just to let you know, I am getting breast implants next week."

I got down on my knees and yelled back, "Wait ? Wait! Ask one more question? I'll do better. Come back here. I love you!!!"

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By Siamack Baniameri





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