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No Kerry, no bush
Grandpa was determined to support his hero. But there was a catch.

November 15, 2004

The day Grandpa decided to cast his vote in the presidential election pretty much marked the end of Western democracy as we know it. Grandpa, an avid supporter of George W., called several times on Monday, reminding me to pick him up the next day and drive him to the polls. That's right, folks. Grandpa was determined to support his hero.

Grandpa, an Iranian-American immigrant who has lived in the US for the past 25 years, does not speak a lick of English and has never voted in his life. He collects his social security checks (oil money), his Medicare benefits ('53-coup money) and travels to Iran once a year to amass his retirement pensions for 30 years of not-so-dedicated service at the state-owned Tobacco Monopoly.

Being the son of a wealthy landowner, Grandpa occasionally sells pieces of property during his yearly visits to the Motherland and invests in cookie-cutter subdivisions in the suburbs of L.A.

His 30 years of service at the Tobacco Monopoly was nothing to brag about either since he hardly ever showed up to work. Grandpa's brother was a senior executive there, so he got away with just about anything. His occasional visits to his workplace consisted of a great deal of socializing, harassing female coworkers and drinking tea.

Like many old hot-blooded Iranian geezers, Grandpa has his politics so out of whack, it's not even funny. He refers to the American sponsored coup against Mossadegh a direct intervention in Iran's internal affairs but wishes that US troops invade Iran and overthrow the mullahs. He hates Saddam for killing and injuring millions of Iranians but he calls Saddam a national hero for inspiring resistance against the Anglo-American occupation! He blames Arabs and Islam as the roots of all evil in Iran but he prays several times a day in Arabic facing the direction of Mecca.

I picked the man up early in the morning and took him to a nearby polling station. We joined a long line of eager voters who were patiently and politely tiptoeing to get inside and cast their ballots.

"Look how organized and civilized people are here," Grandpa said. "If you were back in Iran, your crack would have been fingered (angoshtet kardeh boodan) by now."

"I'm not sure about civilized, but they're definitely organized."

"So who're you voting for, my boy?" Grandpa asked.

"I ain't telling you!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's private."


"Yeah, you don't ask a man who he's voting for. It's not polite."

"Excuse me. I didn't know you were so farangi. I'll tell you who I'm voting for. I'm voting for my main man George W. I love him. He IS going to free us from them mullahs, you know?" Grandpa said.

"Yeah, I'm happy for you, but I'm still not tellin'. You're not supposed to ask people who they're voting for."

"Oh, yeah? Just watch," Grandpa said as he started tapping a hot-looking babe, standing in front us, on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," Grandpa said in his depleted English. "Vote who?"

"Pardon," the hotty exclaimed.

"Who vote?"

"I don't understand," she said.

"You vote?"

"Yes I'll be voting if the line ever moves."

"Who?" Grandpa asked.

"Oh, I'm voting for Kerry."


"No; no Bush."

"Yes Bush."


Okay, I had two choices here: I could stand in this long line for two hours and suffer, or I could entertain myself. This one was a no-brainer.

I interrupted and said, "I'm sorry; he means he wants you to vote for Bush."

"Oh, sorry; can't do that," the hotty said.

"What did she say?" Grandpa asked.

"She said she will do anything for you."


"Yeah, she thinks you're so sexy, Grandpa."

"Yeah, I noticed her checking me out. Tell her I have been lonely for quite some time. Maybe we can get together and do something wild," Grandpa said with a huge grin on his face.

"Grandpa says that president Bush has done great things for the country," I told the girl.

"I think Bush is an idiot," the hot girl said. "He has brought America nothing but war and a huge national debt."

"What did she say?" Grandpa asked.

"She said she'll take her clothes off for five hundred dollars."

"FIVE hundred? I'm on social security."

"C'mon, Grandpa. With all the money you have stashed away under your mattress, I'm sure you can afford it."

"Tell her I'll take her to the Caspian Kabab House for dinner. That ought to run me close to five hundred, maybe even more."

"Grandpa says that Kerry is weak on defense and his healthcare plan will cost taxpayers arms and legs," I told the girl.

"Well, I think your Grandpa is wrong. Bush's war in Iraq and his tax cut for the wealthy has cost us a lot more money."

"What did she say?" Grandpa eagerly asked.

"She says she is on a diet but she finds you so attractive she will strip for you for free."

"She said that?" Grandpa asked, drooling.


"Man, these American women are so open-minded. I like it. Ask her my place or her place?"

"Grandpa says that Bush tax cuts will jumpstart the economy and bring the country out of recession," I told the girl.

"I think not. I think Bush's tax cut benefits the rich and takes the country deeper into recession. Bush's economic plan only benefits companies that outsource American jobs overseas."

"What did she say?" Grandpa asked.

"She said she'll come over to your place. Turns out she is a bit of an expert on exotic massages. She will get the oil treatment going first and then she'll do her magic. But there's a catch."

"A catch?"

"Yeah, a catch."

"What is it?" Grandpa asked.

"Well, she said she'll come over only if you vote for Kerry."

"What? She wants me to vote for that spineless jerk?"

"Yeah, no Kerry, no bush, Grandpa."

Grandpa scratched his head for a minute while staring at the hot girl and said, "Fuck Bush. Tell her I'm voting for Kerry."

"Wait a second! You're gonna betray W. for a woman?"

"The hell with W. Tell the chick I'll be waiting at my house with candles and a bottle of Shiraz."

"Grandpa says that you have convinced him to change his vote for Kerry. He's very impressed by your knowledge of current affairs."

"Oh, really? He's so sweet," the hot girl said, kissing Grandpa on the forehead.

Grandpa, like an old pro, took advantage of the opportunity, grabbed the girl and gave her a juicy kiss on the lips. The poor girl took few steps back, flabbergasted.

"Man, she does dig me," Grandpa said. "Stop by the drugstore on the way home. I gotta pickup some reinforcement."

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