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Satire

I can play terrorist, easy
Seeking acting jobs in Hollywood

January 20, 2005
iranian.com

The following letter of query has been sent to over 150 top Hollywood casting agents. Replies will be posted as they arrive.

Dear Hollywood Agents, Movie Executives, Casting agents and Directors,

As an Iranian-American actor who has studied his trade in the most prestigious Royal Shakespear Society in London, I would like to inform you of my availability to take on any terrorist or terrorist-related roles currently available to Middle Eastern actors in Hollywood.

I have been trying to break into Hollywood's Inner Circle for years and I believe, due to current world events and the war in Iraq, the stage is set for serious Middle Eastern actors to showcase their abundant talents on the world stage.

Years of playing Hamlet and Fantine in small theater houses all over Europe have prepared me for more dynamic and meaningful parts such as hijacker, suicide bomber, kidnapper, rock-throwing fanatic, hostage-taker, insurgent, fundamentalist mullah, or ringleader of a terrorist sleeper cell in New York City.

I have an amazing aptitude for playing bad-ass terrorist characters. I'm extremely believable and authentic. I'm frequently stopped at airport security checkpoints for full body cavity search. On the airplane, I'm always beleaguered by other passengers for my uncanny resemblance to Osama. When light hits my face at a certain angle, I look eerily like Yasser Arafat. I also look very much like Saddam Hussein when he was pulled out of the spider hole. And with a touch of makeup, I can easily pass for Gaddafi, the Ayatollah or even Castro.

My terrorist accent is so spon on, I even scare myself sometimes. I'm familiar with Arabic, Persian, and Pashton dialects and can scream meaningless gibberish at other terrorists at the top of my lungs.

I'm also available to play parts as convenient store clerk, gas station attendant, psychotic Iranian colonel and crazy Middle Eastern cab driver.

Please consider my credentials and contact me at your earliest convenience.

Regards,

Siamack Baniameri

About
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, (Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-Dream.com.

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