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Satire

Letter of resignation
By a suicide bomber

January 2, 2005
iranian.com

From: Abdullah Jr.
To: Ansar-Al-Islam, Human Resources Department

Dear Sir,

First of all let me express my immense appreciation for the opportunity to join your esteemed suicide bombing company. I can not begin to tell you how flattered I am to be considered for such a notable position.  Your suicide bombing company is considered by many as the best in its field. Your benefits, health and retirement plans are unmatched by other suicide bombing squads and your training facility in the west coast is regarded as the finest in the country.

However, for personal reasons and with a heavy heart, I regretfully must inform you of my decision to leave your organization and as a result I will not be able to blow myself up.

When I applied for a position with your suicide bombing team, I was extremely suicidal. Life at that time had no meaning to me. I was off my antidepressant medication and I stopped seeing my therapist for reasons that I am not emotionally ready to discuss. I was short on money, ambition, hope and self-respect. My rap career was in a shamble and record companies did not return my calls.

At the same time I started feeling a strange attraction to the guy next door. Even though the guy next door was a bully and he frequently forced me to stick large objects in my ass, I felt rather content and at times jittery with anticipation. To make matters worse, I struggled with severe bedwetting that puzzled the medical establishment for quite some time.

But since our last meeting, back in August, my life has changed. I met a beautiful woman on the way to blowing myself up in the city of Najaf. She has drastically changed my perspectives on life. She is absolutely breathtaking and had sex with me, which was something I had never experienced.

Please do not get me wrong. I understand that I will be accompanied by a number of beautiful virgins in heaven once I blow myself up and send the infidels to hell where they belong. But this woman is something I can not easily forget. It is true that she charges me hourly for the sex and I have to rush out of her house before her husband comes home from work, but she has made a remarkable impression on me. I think I am in love.

So please accept my apologies for wasting your precious time and resources. I hope that the doors to your dynamic company remain open for me in the future just in case things do not work out between me and my lady friend, or should I fall back into deep depression.

Regards,

Abdullah Jr.

Reply:

From: Ansar-Al-Islam Human Resources Department
To: Abdullah Jr.

Dear Jr.,

Thank you for contacting us. As a valued employee, your inquiries are always important to us.

However, Allah did not make our suicide bombing company the biggest and the baddest in the Middle East by letting cherished employees like you walk away from their Godly duties. Who the fuck do you think you are?

While American soldiers kill our women and rape our livestock (as reported by Aljazeera) you are out there getting your groove on with a five-dinar-whore in Najaf?

Your expense reports for your travels to Najaf will be rejected and privileges, including use of the company suicide truck, will be immediately revoked. Your laptop, ipod, GPS navigator, Palm Pilot, detonator and all other company properties including your badge and parking permit should be returned to your local office immediately. All your personal items should be cleared from your desk before the next Friday prayer.

We are going to make an example out of you and all other gutless, bedwetting, A-holes who think they can just say bye-bye and leave.

If there is anything else we can do for you, please do not hesitate to contact us.

Best regards,

Ansar-Al-Islam HR Department

PS. So, you are the bastard who is banging my wife.  You sonababitch, I'll kill you.

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