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Suicide bomber

Heaven can wait
The thought of going to heaven the next time a suicide bomber steps into my bus certainly makes me feel secure


July 12, 2005

I was channel surfing the other day when I came across an interview with a soon-to-be suicide bomber. The guy's face was hidden under a thick piece of rag and his voice was altered to mask his identity.

The Western reporter asked, "Is it acceptable by Islam to walk into a bus and blow up innocent people?"

The bomber replied, "Yes, those in the bus that are non-Moslems will go to hell and those that are Moslems will go to heaven."

Well, I'm flattered. The thought of going to heaven the next time a suicide bomber steps into my bus certainly makes me feel secure. The chump is probably expecting me to thank him at the Pearly Gates. And the sad part is that I'm the one who is going to get the short end of the stick.

The suicide bomber dude will go to heaven where he will spend an eternity indulging the company of at least 40 virgins with the best French wine and creamy Italian food. I, on the other hand, will most likely end up in heaven's ghetto for Moslem victims of suicide bombs. That is not cool. I can totally see them snobby suicide bomber assholes stopping by to remind us how "lucky" we were to be on the bus they just blew up and brag about all the nasty things they did to the virgins the night before.

That's why I demand that certain rules change in favor of Moslem victims of suicide bombers. I demand that if a suicide bomber happens to kill other Moslems, he should share the virgins with his victims. That's only fair. I also expect an apology from the bomber for the inconvenience and for sending me to heaven without asking. You never know... I may  have plans to go to hell.

The reporter who could not contain himself for the opportunity to talk to this jerk asked, "Would there be any doubt in your mind when the time comes?"

The bomber replied, "None. Allah is watching us."

I couldn't help but wonder what goes on in the mind of a man who thinks that God is actually interested in everything he does and will reward him for killing innocent people; women and children. We all like to find someone who is interested in us. It's natural. Wanting attention from someone we idolize is human.

But these guys are taking it to the next level. They actually believe that God Almighty finds them so intriguing that in spite her many overwhelming duties, she is utterly involved with every aspect of our miserable human lives. Talk about being a legend in your own mind!

The climax of the interview came when the reporter asked, "Do your parents approve?"

The bomber exclaimed, "My father raised me to die for Allah ... "

Bullshit. I don't believe that any father would raise his son to die and take the lives of others with him unless of course the kid is adopted or his real father is the milkman.

I am a Moslem and my father never told me to go die for Allah. He kicked my ass if I didn't take the trash out and he once threatened to kill me if I didn't stop flunking school, but that was the extent of it.

I would pay to hear a self-righteous suicide bomber tell the truth for once and answers, "My father is high on crack, a womanizer, alcoholic and he is dying of syphilis. He will be on the bus too."

Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, ( Publishing, December 2004). Also see

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