I'm in a movie with Jamie Foxx
Classic "guy moment" when your dick does the talking

August 3, 2006
iranian.com

A coworker walked into my office and eagerly handed me a flyer.

"I saw this and I immediately thought of you," my coworker said.

The flyer was from a Hollywood production company looking for Middle Eastern guys who're willing to play as extra in movie "The Kingdom" starring Jamie Foxx. The Kingdom centers on Jamie Foxx's character, who is leading an elite team of counter-terrorism investigators who work in a previously off-limits desert kingdom trying to find those responsible for a deadly bombing attack on American workers in the Middle East.

"Dude, you'd be perfect," my coworker said.

"They're looking for freakin' terrorist-looking guys," I said.

"Yep, that's you, baby."

I ignored the dude and went about my business. Later that night, I ran into an old flame from college. There was something about this girl that ignited my fire. I would do anything to get my hands on this chick.

"So, how've you been?" I asked.

"Great! I'm going to Paris with a guy I met."

"Paris! Huh? What does he do?"

"He's a musician. He's touring with Radio Head. And, what you been up to?"

"Oh, not much. I'm getting ready to play in a movie with Jamie Foxx."

I couldn't believe I said that.

"Oh, yeah? I didn't know you where into acting."

"Well, what can I say, I have many talents."

"So, have you started shooting?"

"No, we'll start in a few weeks. You should stop by at the set and check it out, if you like."

"I would love to. I'll call you when I'm back from Paris."

It was one of those classic "guy moments" when your dick does the talking while your brain is rebooting. I couldn't believe I told her I was in a movie with Jamie Foxx. Where the hell did that come from?

I forget all about the incident 'til I got a call from her a few weeks later.

"Hey, just got back from Paris. Things didn't go well. I'm sort of confused about this new guy," she said.

"Oh, yeah? Does it mean you're available?"

"Maybe. Hey, listen, I just couldn't stop thinking about your movie. This is so cool. I can't wait to go with you on the set."

Oh, shit, I forgot all about that.

"Yeah, sure. I'll let you know."

"So, when is it?"

"Uh, in a few days."

"Cool. I'm looking forward to seeing you act," she said and hung up the phone.

Ok, let's recap: here is a girl that gives me an instant hard-on, who has a body of a model and a face of an angel -- and she is coming to see me act in a movie with Jamie Foxx. Nice going!

I tracked down my coworker the next day.

"Where is that movie flyer," I asked.

"Changed your mind?"

"Yep, I'm going to try out."

"They'll take you, dude. Just give them that Osama look you get in meetings when we laugh at your proposals."

"Fuck you!"

I called the number and made an appointment for audition.

The audition was held in a hotel ballroom in downtown. I walked in and saw hundreds of Middle Eastern-looking dudes hanging in the lobby. I didn't stand a chance against these guys. I'm talking guys who could easily pass for Sadam, Arafat, Ahmadinejad and the Ayatollah. These guys were good. I figured I needed a convincing terrorist act to beat these guys in the audition.

I waited in the lobby for an hour before my name was called.

"Siaameakko Banoomerrieies,"

"No it's Siamack Baniameri," I told the lady.

"Whatever; follow me," the lady said.

I followed her inside the ballroom. A stage was setup in the middle. Rows of chairs where placed directly in front of the stage. The casting director and his entourage were occupying the front row. A camera was positioned in the back.

The lady gave me a piece of paper with three lines on it.

"Here are your lines. You got two minutes to memorize them. Just walk up the stage and say your lines, when you're ready."

I stared at the paper. This was all too overwhelming.

The dialog went like this, "I will kill all of you infidels. Allah is my witness. I have no fear of death."

"What the hell is this?" I thought to myself. Even if I get this part, these lines are pathetic.

"Excuse me," I said, "do I get to do these lines with Jamie Foxx.?"

The casting director and the lady looked at me like I was crazy.

"No, Jamie will not be in the scene with your character," the lady said.

Wait up! Jamie has to be in the scene, or I won't score.

"Excuse me! Are you sure? I mean I must be saying these lines to somebody. Correct?"

"Yes," the lady said.

"And who exactly that somebody is?"

"You be talking on the phone."

"On the phone?"

"Yes. Your character is a terrorist leader. You coordinate attacks on Americans from a room, on the phone."

"And I'll be talking to Jamie Foxx, I assume."

"No, you're talking to other terrorists," the lady said.

"And ... Jamie Foxx is listening in another room! Correct?"

"No. Jamie Foxx will not be anywhere in the vicinity."

"You don't understand," I said. "It is absolutely essential that Jamie is around when I say my lines."

The casting director and his entourage looked at each other, confused.

"Listen, Abdul," the casting director said. "Your character is in the movie for five seconds. And Foxx is not going to be in the scene. Gobish?"

"I tell you what. How about a scene with Jamie where I come in and behead somebody?" I said.

"No!"

"Ok, how about a scene with Jamie where I come in a restaurant and blow myself up?"

"Can't do that, you idiot. How would Jamie's character survive the blast?" the casting director said.

"True. I got another one," I said. "How about me stoning Jamie's girlfriend and then he comes in and rescues her?"

"His character does not have a girlfriend in the movie."

"He is a good looking dude. He deserves a girlfriend in the movie," I said.

"No. Are you done?"

"Wait, how about me and Jamie engage in a swordfight? And then I'll pull a nuclear bomb out of my ass and Jamie disarms the bomb while doing the swordfight at the same time?"

I found myself being escorted out by the hotel security. I guess the casting director did not appreciate my movie ideas.

The chick that I was mad about called a few times to arrange for a visit to the set. Like a wuss that I'm, I let the calls roll to my voicemail. She eventually gave up.

I ran into her a few months later. I was expecting to be snubbed, but she was actually very pleasant.

"Hey, how did the move go? You didn't return my calls!" she said.

"Well, the schedule was brutal. We're shooting twelve-hour days."

"And the movie is out ... when?"

"In a few months," I said.

"That's really cool," she said. "So you wanna come over to my place?"

"Hell, yeah!"

Well, I figured I have a few months to seduce this girl. And by the time the movie is out and she finds out that I'm not in it ... a lot can happen.

About
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, (Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-Dream.com.