Screwing with spammers
Responding to spam emails
January 4, 2006
Okay folks, I admit that I'm addicted to junk mail. Yes I am. I actually look forward to receiving junk mail so I can screw with the sender. Here are some examples of replies I have sent to the most popular spams of all time. This one is titled "Supper size your member" and markets a medication that claims to add four inches to your penis:
I'm not sure how you found out that my manhood is not adequate enough. Was it my ex-wife? Or was it Nina, the heavyset lady at the butcher shop I had a brief fling with?
If the insufficiency of my member was reported to you by Nina, I would like to make it clear that it wasn't that my manhood was small but her mouth was way too big. Additionally, the majority of our sexual encounters took place in the butcher shop's refrigerator which caused serious shrinkage.
If my ex-wife somehow is involved with this conspiracy, I would like to inform you that after giving birth to six children, King Kong himself is not large enough for her.
Therefore I would like to ask you to kindly remove my name from your "small penis list" and do not contact me again.
Now this next one is my favorite. I'm sure that just about everybody has received a copy with some sort of variation. This email is sent from Africa and claims that the wife of a rich African merchant needs to transfer millions of dollars of her late husband's money from an African National Bank to a foreign country and after many months of careful research, they have chosen you to be the recipient of the funds. Here is my reply:
I can not begin to tell you how excited I am to be chosen by you and your associates to participate in this lucrative transaction. Your secret is safe with me and I'll not disappoint you. But there is a slight problem at the moment. You see, I'm currently doing time at the Federal penitentiary for murder. I can assure you that I have been framed and I am completely innocent. The bitch was asking for it and I didn't think that a human head would bust open like that with only one strike of a baseball bat. Therefore, I currently do not maintain a checking account. However, if you send me the first check for $6,000,000 I'll be sure to hold it for you until we meet.
Please forward the check to:
California State Maximum Security Prison
12000 E. State Parkway
Los Angles, CA 45333
Attention: The widow maker
PS. If you double-cross me, I'll bust your fucking head open.
Here is another popular spm that goes around every few seconds. The email congratulates you for winning a new iPod or a laptop. The email states that you're the lucky winner among 2 million entries. And then it instructs you to claim your iPod or laptop by providing your name, address and the phone number.
Fuck the iPod. Got one! However, I'm in the market for blond overweight single mothers with large feet and nasty molds on their necks. My clients overseas are very interested in purchasing the mentioned merchandize and are willing to pay top Dollar. Please contact me if you have some.
Also, if you happened to have a pair of gay elephants trained to perform sexual circus acts, please notify me immediately. My Scottish clients are very interested and will pay handsomely.
Siamack Baniameri is the author of The Iranican Dream, (Virtualbookworm.com Publishing, December 2004). Also see Iranican-Dream.com.