Advice

December 26, 2001
The Iranian

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Dear Abjee Fotti & Pari,

Having read Arezoo's letter and your responses, I felt compelled to respond on behalf of the other side of the coin, the misunderstood, ever-criticised, and endangered male species.

I don't think there is anything wrong in declaring your love for another woman. Of course, if the woman, like Arezoo, feels nothing more than friendship, guess what Houston, we got a PROBLEM! What is wrong with telling him directly that you don't have the same feelings for him.

Us guys are very simple creatures, and we don't like complicated emotional signals because let's be honest, in most cases we don't have a clue what they mean or what you feel. For heaven's sake ladies, speak your mind so we know. He obviously misread your signals already, tell him how you feel about it. Most of us have left our family and country behind, have lived through revolution, war, and tanhayee, I guess he will live through that as well!

Abjeez,

Sorry if I got a bit emotional there, but it really pisses me off that we always have to read signals. Ladies, in your list of criterias, you always want a guy who can communicate well. How about you show us the same courteousy!

Good luck to Arezoo khanoom.

Daadaash Hamvatan

Reply

Dear Daadaash Hamvatan,

Thank you for your letter and a bit of "daadaash" perspective when it comes to the topic relationship. Please don't not worry about being emotional - if anywhere, here's the place to bring it up and share it with the rest. Judging from the letters we have been getting so far, there's obviously a difference when it comes to male and female response...

First and foremost, we need to understand that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. It is truly possible for a woman to maintain friendship with a man without being romantically involved. Naturally, women assume the same thing is true when it comes to men, particularly when there's no open communication about the intention of the relationship. Please do not forget that some men don't reveal their true intentions at the start of the relationship either.

Following this simple scenario, the two start to know more about each other when they have possibly different expectations out of the relationship. Mr. Y assumes that providing he spends more time with Miss X, she will feel the same way . Yet, he's not certain enough so he won't reveal all his cards. Miss X is having doubts about his intentions but it seems foolish to bring up the topic when she's not sure. She believes that a simple friendship is a possibility - just like the friendship she has with some of her other guy friends.

Now we have to remember that when it comes to women, the feeling MAY get stronger as she gets to know Mr. Y over time; most men know this and in essence, this is probably one of the reasons why Mr. Y is waiting before he tells her about his feelings - starting off with the friendship and hoping that somewhere along the line Miss X will start feeling the same way about him.

There is nothing wrong with declaring your true feelings in a relationship - It's honest, beautiful and takes certain amount of courage. We should be privileged when someone has strong feelings towards us, even if it may not be reciprocal. In fact, most of the misunderstanding starts right when either the man and the woman start making assumption and hence react without the true knowledge of the other person's true feelings.

This is what we suggested to Arezoo: "The best solution for you is to continue being straightforward and honest. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you like him as a friend but you are not interested in a romance." If the man is not clear about his intentions in a relationship, the woman will feel intimidated to tell him that she wants them to be just friends.

The key to all this is communication and as much as possible, assumptions should be minimized. Men are better off to express their intentions, whether it be romantic or just friendship and on the same token, woman need to understand the it's more hurtful to be misled than hearing the truth. After all, honesty is the basis of any type of healthy relationship.

Dadaash jaan, thank you again for your input and hopefully, we have been able to answer some of your concerns and many other daadaahs!

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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