Advice

January 29, 2002
The Iranian

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* More cautious approach

The heroic letter of that victim ["I am very afraid"] and your courageous, all-answers-in-one-quick-email response to her made me imagine the worst case scenario, one of those "What if .." type of dark thoughts that usually won't happen but my mind entertains it anyway.

If this woman happens to be a very young, passive girl from a deeply Muslim family with low levels of education and quick and unforgiving tempers which could and would flare up if anything related to sex and their immediate family members surface, then your advice could turn out to be too costly, especially could cost her life. This, as I mentioned, is the worst case scenario and won't happen very often but happens frequent enough to warrant a more cautious approach on the part of the advice giver.

It's admirable to voice out the truth and advocate it with all your might; which you did in your response to her. But, your position comes with a sense of responsibility that requires you to sniff like a detective canine in critical and sensitive situations like sexual abuse. Ask more questions, inquire about the details, weight the factors such as culture, family, political situations and then, and only if you feel comfortable, give advice.

It's as heroic and courageous, if not more, to say nothing when your gut feelings tell you that you are not qualified to advise in certain situations.

God forbids, if one of these cases turns out to become disastrous, your conscience will cost you a life of grief.

Keep up your good work and thanks for hearing me out

Neissan

Reply

Abjee Fotti and Abjee Pari write:

Dear Neissan,

Thank you for your letter and the valid points you brought up.

We understand that advice in these types of situations varies greatly according to the location of the person. We have not received information from this particular reader as to where she is writing from.

However, we did mention in our letter that our advice in this case is valid if she lives in North America. We added that if she lived somewhere else, she should write to us again and we will try to advise her accordingly.

As for us not being qualified to advise, we have never claimed to be professional therapists or "know-it-alls". If you read our introduction to the column, we have stated that we are just 2 regular abjeez living in California whose only expertise comes from daily life experiences and we would like to share our point of view IF someone seeks it out.

But any life decisions remains ultimately in the hands of the readers of our column. We simply provide options for those who are looking and may not necessarily grasp them.

With respect,

Abjee Pari and Abjee Fotti

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