What a shame
Looting of the oldest "dildo" from Baghdad
May 8, 2003
I'm appalled and disgusted by the United States' lack of concern
and chaotic planing that resulted in the looting of Baghdad's National
Museum. I'm appalled and disgusted because, first of all, it's hip
and cool to be appalled and disgusted nowadays. But most importantly,
I found out that looters took some of the most priceless items going
back to original humans, the first human society and the first ever-known
civilization. What a shame.
Now, pots and pans, I can do without and broken statues of great
kings don't do much for me -- but I was disappointed to hear that
the oldest "dildo" ever made by mankind was also taken
from the museum by the looters. I shit you not.
It turns out that the object (a smooth, long, straight cylinder
with a round head) which was discovered at a site near the city
of Basra, is believed to be the oldest dildo ever found. It goes
back to two thousand years before the birth of Christ.
The size of the object was so impressive that a large section of
the museum was set-aside just to display IT. Those who visited the
museum before the looting and saw the THING testified that it resembled
"King Kong on Viagra".
For years scientists, archeologists, and anthropologists pondered
over the true nature and use of the mysterious object. Until one
day a janitor was in the room while a heated discussion was taking
place about the offending THING. The janitor, impressed with it's
size, said, "Damn, I thought I was big!"
And that was the moment of discovery of the first ever, ever, ever
dildo made by any civilization in the history of mankind.
Why is this important? you ask. I tell you why. Because the dildo
is the most ingenious instrument ever created by man. The only tool
used by wives and girlfriends that makes them shut up for thirty
minutes while we're watching sports. That is an irreplaceable piece
of human history that needs to be cherished.
But to add insult to injury, the oldest "condom" ever
found, was also taken from the museum. It turns out that there was
an outbreak of a sexually transmitted disease among fifth century
Ottoman sultans. Women of the sultan's harem were MACKIN' it with
caretakers and commoners while the sultan was busy conquering neighboring
The outbreak was so severe that some sultans' "ding dongs"
became unusable and had to be cut off. Ottoman scholars were pulled
from important research -- such as how to sock it to Lawrence of
Arabia while hanging upside down from the ceiling -- and were ordered
to find a device that would protect the sultan from diseases contracted
by wild orgies in the harem. There you have it ladies and gentlemen;
the first condom was born.
I can not express my disappointment with the Bush Administration
for its lack of understanding of other cultures. Did I tell you
how appalled and disgusted I was?
Mamnoon Iranian.com Month
your favorite magazine
this page to your friends