LIFE

      They say Lauren became an angel today.  They say Lauren is now in heaven visiting with her grandparents and playing softball. They say Lauren is now happy, healthy, and free of pain, with no need for more drugs and needles.

      I wish with all my heart and soul that I could believe all those statements. I wish I too believed in angels and all the glorious stories about how wonderful it is in heaven. But I do not, and it is not easy at my age to change my beliefs. The pain we are all feeling is real and devastating. It is true that our dear little Lauren is finally free of pain. Her suffering is finally over. How we all wish her life story would not have ended here prematurely, two months short of her 14th birthday. This is so unbelievably unfair.  Lauren was denied the chance to fully experience life. Just as she was blossoming as an intelligent, beautiful young lady, her body was viciously attacked for the third time by Cancer, one of the worst enemies of the mankind. She had been battling this dreadful disease, on and off, ever since she was four and one half years old. Despite her tough battles with cancer, Lauren managed to maintain a positive attitude towards life, to make many friends and to touch many hearts.

      What right do I have to complain about life?  I, who have been lucky enough to be able to experience so many happy events in life that Lauren never would: high-school graduation, college, career, love, marriage, babies, breast-feeding, watching your children grow, birthdays, weddings, travelling, on and on. Our little Lauren will miss out on all of these wonderful life experiences, while her dear grieving parents will miss her terribly until their last breath. Why does life have to be so cruel and hard to bear? Why can’t children be spared the unjustness of a premature death? Why do they have to suffer?

      Lauren endured so much in her short life but all the children who she befriended over the years, including her younger brother and my daughter, will be forever affected by the sudden loss of a loved one at a young age. Some say it would be good for them: they will get a better perspective on life. I say no, spare the children; life has enough sadness and grief in store for adults during their lifetime. Children should be shielded from pain and misery for as long as possible. Children should be able to have happy childhoods and grow up with an optimistic attitude towards life. Children exposed to overwhelming grief and sadness may develop a very pessimistic view of life and may not find it worth living.

      Most children who knew Lauren are grieving tonight, shedding tears for their friend whose heart gave up and stopped beating this morning. They most likely are text-messaging each other, or chatting on-line, with teary eyes.  For the majority of them, their innocent hearts were touched by the first real experience of loss – one of life’s darkest and saddest experiences. A few of these children like my daughter, who had formed a close friendship with Lauren, will suffer for a longer time. I hope all of them make it through this difficult time without becoming scarred psychologically or depressed.

      I can not imagine the pain that Laruen’s parents are going through at the moment. If Lauren is in heaven now, her parents must be in hell, experiencing life’s most painful feelings. Peace be with them. How can one console a parent who has lost a child? Only time might lessen this enormous pain.

      I remember reading my dad’s memoir a few years ago and his very emotional recollection of the sudden death of his 16-year-old brother to Diphtheria. He wrote so passionately about an incident that had happened 50 years ago that I, reading his writings, could not help sobbing uncontrollably – as if I had been there and had experienced this loss first-hand. After reading about this tragic event in my dad’s early life, I wished my grandparents were alive so I could give them a really big hug for all the pain they had gone through in losing two of their beloved children, one to Diphtheria, the other to Leukemia, just like Lauren.

I so wish I could go over to Lauren’s house right now and give her parents a caring embrace. They are such brave, strong and determined parents for having supported Lauren’s battle for her life in these last nine years. John and Jill have endured so much since Lauren’s first diagnosis with cancer that I believe they have earned the privilege of retiring early to a nice relaxing sunny beach by the ocean. They truly deserve it. If I were wealthy, I would make this into a reality and take care of Lauren’s suffering parents and brother for the rest of their lives. Any parent, who has endured the loss of a child, ought to be treated with the utmost respect, care and attention for the rest of their lives because they now hold a very delicate, fragile heart within their chest.

      I will miss seeing Lauren at our house, coming up the stairs, eating breakfast at the kitchen table, experimenting with makeup and new hairstyles…. I already miss her so much that my heart aches…. Her memory will be cherished forever by myself, my daughter and all the others who loved her.

      Our hearts were truly touched by an angel. Lauren will be immensely missed by all of us, who had the honor and pleasure of knowing this wonderful, beautiful angel with brown hair and hazel-green eyes.

      Peace be with John, Jill, Ben, Lauren’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and her many friends. Watch over them Lauren from wherever you are my dear. You are loved by us all.

      We will never forget you Miss Lauren Johnson.

Saturday, Dec. 8, 2007