I’m Wrong, You’re Right, Alright?

Many times I have come across people who simply want to prove that they are right

Balatarin
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I’m Wrong, You’re Right, Alright?
by hossein.hosseini
08-Mar-2009
 

Over 30 years ago in Tehran, I worked with an American who was a native of Virginia and had spent most of his life in the Middle East working on engineering projects. He had lived and worked in such countries as Iran, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, and many Persian Gulf States. We used to discuss many topics from life in America to historical sites in Iran, and of course politics. He showed a great deal of interest in Iran and the people of Middle East. I asked him after spending so many years in Iran and the region, what he thought was the biggest problem facing the people? His answer amazed me to this date. He said “there would be peace, democracy, and progress in this part of the world when people learn to use three phrases.” When asked what those phrases are, he said “I am wrong, you are right and I am sorry.” Stubbornness, he felt, was the biggest issue facing the people of those nations.

Today when I look back, I realize that his advice ever so simple is probably the hardest thing for some people, especially my generation, to accept and practice. Let’s be honest here, I can think of a very strange thing in many of us that makes me question our whole self-image. Have you ever asked how other people think about you? You might realize as I did that there is a huge difference between our self-image and our family and friend's idea of us. Many of us, me included, always think we are right. Why is it that any time there is a difference, our natural inclination is to assume that we are right and others are wrong? I can only speak for myself that even though I attempt to be (or at least look) humble and open about the very distinct possibility (and often probability) of my ignorance or error, deep down inside I generally think I'm right and others are wrong.

For many Iranians of my generation the hardest thing of all is to be willing to accept that others are right and we are wrong. Some of us Iranians are very hard to convince in any subject as it's beneath our dignity just to agree in something without putting a fight or at least get something in exchange. I can give many examples; just take a look at our recent political history. Some are still debating to find persons or groups to blame for the fall of Mosadegh, Shah, and the causes of the 1979 Revolution. It is every body’s fault except me. The so called ‘opposition’ abroad is so divided even within the same group, philosophy and system. Take a look at Monarchists, Nationalists, Reformers, Conservatives, etc. and you will see plenty of “I am only right” mentality.

In our community gatherings here in Orange County, many times I have come across people who simply want to prove that they are right and anything else doesn’t matter. I recall one time when I was helping at a non-profit event this gentleman we call Ali, argued passionately about how he thought the money being raised for the event will not help the non-profit but will benefit some organizers. After explaining all the details and facts, he was still not convinced, so I simply said “you know Ali, you are right”. Guess what? He spent another 20 minutes arguing with me on why I thought he was right!! So you see, even when you let them win, some still want to argue.

I have tried in many ways to understand the root cause of this phenomenon in our community. Is it pride? Is it fear? Is it our history, culture, up-bringing or is it that sometimes we just don't like what others are saying and we don't want it to be true. Rather silly to reject truth because we don't like it, but we still do. I think it is a combination of all, plus the fact that at least my generation has come from a closed, dictatorship society where ‘freedom of expression’ did not and still does not exist. True, we live in democracy now, but if you look deep down inside, you will see that we still carry some of that dictatorship mentality within us.

How do we stop this? How do we remain open to truth, no matter what it is or where it comes from? Well, for starters if we cling to this desire for our ideals to be true, perhaps we just need to find something else to cling to - or someone else. Perhaps our beliefs and ideals are becoming our idols and we are so attached to them that we cannot sacrifice them for truth. Far too often, at home, at work, at community meetings, it becomes all about me. My way is the only true way, and nobody else's way comes even close. In order to make our community successful in the long run, we should make good use of our diversity of thoughts, beliefs and ideas. We should seek a middle ground between thoughts and opinions while respecting all. Most of all we have to stay away from this "my way or the highway" mentality.

Fortunately the new generation of Iranian-Americans, our sons and daughters, do not have this problem. They are taught and raised in a society that differing ‘points of views’, and open and honest debates are encouraged and respected. For the rest of us, whenever you see yourself in the middle of a hot discussion, let’s remember these three phrases: I’m Wrong, You’re Right, Alright? Happy Norooz 2009!

Balatarin
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This mentalit flaw also leads to a bigger problem

by BK (not verified) on Mon Mar 09, 2009 02:14 AM PDT

As the author of this article rightly points out, lack of humility and having the strength of character and mental capacity to admit when we can be wrong on occasions and give credit to the other side, is a huge cultural problem for Iranians and probably other nations in the same part of the World.

What compounds this negative trait and in effect elevates the problem to a more serious level is that not only are we not content to merely insist on being right all the time, but some of us (especially those in authority) also insist on imposing our will and our “way” on others, whose only guilt is to have a different view to us.

Both these problems, IMHO, stem from the lack of three essential prerequisites for a successful and progressive society:

open-mindedness, tolerance and respect towards the right of others to their opinion and beliefs.

Sadly, I can't see us Iranians taking on board these very important principles in our approach to others any time soon.


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to footbal-emoon ham

by Anonymous, (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:40 PM PDT

to footbal-emoon ham hast!
mikham khodam gol bezanam-- faghat khodam. agar che pass dadan momkeneh gol besheh o man bezanam, nasheh!!
man khodam, faghat khodam-- hamkari digeh chieh?


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gol-dust

Human EGO is the problem! Discover KHODA(GAHI)Study Sufism!

by gol-dust on Sun Mar 08, 2009 10:38 PM PDT

i am not a sufi, but you don't need to be one to learn and practice the principle. Ego is the root of evils! If you can get rid of it, you'll discover peace!

The problem is a lot of us Iranians listen to westerners as they are so smart, but they don't appreciate what a precious gym their own culture is. Fine, then read the book: "New Heaven" by Eckhardt Tolle. You'll discover that it is not only the middle esterns, it is the world's problem as humans! In fact, the open-minded westerners are trying to learn from us!


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Mohamad.Purqurian

It is human nature NOT an Iranian attribute

by Mohamad.Purqurian on Sun Mar 08, 2009 09:21 PM PDT

Come on my friend, all you need to do is just replace Iranian with another nationality, and it works perfectly fine with virtually any other nationality; i.e. Arabs, Americans, Britons, you name it and they all admit sharing the same attribute.

I have also worked with many cross cultural non-profit organizations helping them through the maze of working for a good cause. Once a Japanese client of mine who happened to wait while I was finishing up a Persian cultural meeting told me he was so impressed with how civilized we argued our differences! We were talking Persian, and he did NOT know a single Farsi word! When he sensed my unbelieving look, he explained I should see Japanese arguing over an issue!

But you are right, people who come to work together for a good cause have a very difficult time communicating with each other, but it is in no way a nationality attribute.

Peace,


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persian westender

I love assumptions

by persian westender on Sun Mar 08, 2009 09:21 PM PDT

Since, you’re not witnessing this trend in the young Iranian generation in abroad; there shouldn’t be something in our genes! but, there should  be something out there influencing our social understanding, a collective phenomenon which gives the right to us to be entitled for being right. Even though, it is proven that we are wrong, still we are right!  You can make a list of assumptions for this pattern as another commentator has made. Please add:

1-      Historically, the ones who’ve made mistakes are bashed forever. They are doomed to be most evil creatures and with “ I’m always right attitude” we unconsciously refrain from identifying with them. They are so bad to be alike, and we distant ourselves from them in a hysterical but unconscious way (BTW have you noticed the similarity between the words history and hysteria?!). Committing a mistake would be a stigma, because the characters who have done mistakes in our history, are blamed for all the miseries we are experiencing.

2-       In Iranian collective unconsciousness, mistakes are made by the weak, and since we adore power and strength, we take distance from whatever implies mistake.

3-      We think if we accept that we have made a mistake, we also should give the other party ‘savarie majjani’. Say’s who?

4-      We unconsciously think that mistakes are irreversible. (by the way in some instances we are right, look at the revolution after 30 years!)

5-      Ideology and beliefs are entrenched in our personal identity and existence to the extent that if we would change it or throw it out, we would think we have been eternally deformed. We should remind ourselves that everything is relative.

6-      Accepting the mistake implies termination of the argument. We the Iranians, are dying for having a heated debate at any cost. So we refrain from accepting the mistake.

PS: I might be wrong in all these assumptions...but you’re definitely not right :-)  

 

 


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universal truth

by Aziz (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 09:17 PM PDT

Author has made a good point.

To detractors of Americans:
Historic election of a black president is proof enough that Americans do admit by words and deeds when they are/were wrong.

As for (some) iranians, have never learned, never will. Poster childs of racial and ethnic/religious bigotry.


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MiNeum71

I am right, you are right and "Aberoomoon Raft"

by MiNeum71 on Sun Mar 08, 2009 06:59 PM PDT

Great article and congratulations, every word is true. This is SOOO typical Iranian, so typical, really so typical.

Iran´s problems? The Iranians: uneducated ("Bee Savad"), stubborn ("Lajh´baz"), weak in the knees ("Ghar Karde"), uncivilized ("Vah´shee") and wallowing in self-pity ("Tarahhom be Khod").

Reason (hypothesis): want of confidence because of low self-esteem.

 


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BEING RIGHT IS IRANIAN DNA

by bj (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 05:20 PM PDT

When CYRUS THE GREAT and DARIUS THE GREAT established persian empire they kind of planted in our DNA that we persian/iranian are always and defenitly RGHIT.Please do not base our culture and country on what american engineer said.Remember GEORGE BUSH envaded iraq and 80% of americans opposed it and the whole world were against the war.He never said i an sorry and told the whole world including americans you are wrong.next time a foriener make a comment about iran just tell him "don't you love iran". and by the way I AM RIGHT.


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very interesting

by shirazie (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 04:19 PM PDT

when was last time you heard an American Say "we were wrong" sorry?

After 40 years -I am still waiting . Then I will go ahead rip him a new one


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Flying Solo

.

by Flying Solo on Mon Sep 28, 2009 12:43 AM PDT

.


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I am wrong, you are right and I am sorry

by iAmSorry (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 02:26 PM PDT

I just like to point out that I think “I am wrong, you are right and I am sorry.” is in the spirit of "my way or the highway" from the other’s point of view. I do not know; may be the trick is to somehow split the difference, and have an appreciation for the different realities of different perspectives.


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Living in the West

by XerXes (not verified) on Sun Mar 08, 2009 01:56 PM PDT

I have not yet heard one person in any arguments give in. So right there I don't agree with this article. Actually most people fight hard here and if there is no fist fight then they are lucky.
So admit Mr. Author that you are wrong and I am right, and please apologize.


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