Anonymouse

I dedicate this episode to the memory of 1970s comedy shows (sitcoms) which kept us entertained during the 2 weeks holidays of Norooz with their specials. We would wait impatiently for the brand new episodes or Norooz specials for shows like Italia Italia, Kaf Show, Samad, Morad Barghi, Ghatebeh and other variety shows.

Happy Norooz to everyone!

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Hawj. Faghat Haj agha! Rahbar. Faghat Haj Agha!

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Episode 3: Shahla

Shahla: Salam Haji. Chet-toree?

Hajiagha: Chakeram. Mercy. Tow khobee?

Shahla: Biya yek pok bezan hal konee. Let’s smoke this tah-joint (butt) to light you up!

Hajiagha: Why are you smoking this end piece?

Shahla: More vitamins. Khasiya-tesh bish-tareh. Besides we’re running out and this is it.

Hajiagha: No thanks. I tried Hashish once during the war and it freaked me out. I almost shot myself in the nose.

Shahla: Hashish chiyeh baba? This is Marijuana. Maree-Juan-na. You know like that song? Man delam Maree ro mikhad. Maree mano nemikhad.

Hajiagha: Either way I don’t want it.

Shahla: Okay hala. Shirini (sweet) chera nayo-vordee? You know my Dad is ahle-dood. He gets munchies and likes to have Shirini with his tea. Besides everyone brings Shirini to Khastegaree. Cheap shodi?

Hajiagha: We don’t have Shirni Irooni with Jaab-e Shiriniyeh Irooni in Vancover or Victoria. Proper jaab-e shiri is a must. It must be square, like a box, and it must be tied properly with ghey-toonee string. Khastegar must hold the jaab-e shirini with his fingers by the tied strings. Otherwise, it is meaningless to bring it to Khastegaree. I can’t walk in a khastegaree with stiff clear boxes made in China.

Shahla: Whatever. I’m done smoking my tah-joint. Let’s have a kiss and go in.

Hajiagha: Peef Peef. Your breath smells like a toilet. I’ll grope you instead.

Shahla: AAKKKHHHHH. Are you crazy? Megeh maraz daree?

Hajiagha: I couldn’t kiss you because of your nasty breath so I thought to pleasure you this way.

Shahla: You go from kissing and being romantic to groping all in one breath? Give me a mint. I’m not a toy.

Hajiagha: Toys? You like toys? What kind, cordless or electric?

Shahla: Not sex toys. ME not a toy. Naashe-gee az saram pareed. Aslan tell me, how do you know about sex toys? Did you sell sex toys or have you had any woman play with sex toys while you watch or what?

Hajiagha: Well I know about sex toys from my painting works in different houses. Renovation painting walls and houses, not my oil paintings. I would go to houses and paint them and during breaks I would become nosy or bored and go through some stuff like nightstands. In some houses I would find dildos and vibrators. So I think if you find them in few houses all women have them.

Shahla: Yuk. Did you wash your hands after you touched them?

Hajiagha. I had plastic gloves for painters so I never actually touched them.

Shahla: Dardam gereft. Now let’s go in and say hi.

Shahla’s dad: Bah bah Hajiagha. Come on in. No shirini?

Hajiagha: Sorry they were out.

Shahla’s dad: Shahla joon bring some tea. Don’t bring the burnt teaEspoons bring Eshtirrers.

Shahla: Okay.

Shahla’s dad: Hajiagha sorry we go through a lot of teaEspoons in this house. We use them for other purposes too and can’t put burnt teaEspoons in front of company. Eshtirrers are good too.

Hajiagha: Well. Teaspoons are signs of roshan-fekree (being intellectual). You can find stirrers in 7-eleven.

Shahla’s dad: Well. You didn’t bring shirini. So in be oon dar. Anyway, tell me what do you do?

Hajiagha: I do a lot of things. I am businessman/artist and I like fishing.

Shahla’s dad: I like fishing too. I’m too lazy to go fishing so I watch it on TV. I like Bass Master’s baiting techniques.

Hajiagha: I don’t master bait. I must do it with a woman or nothing at all.

Shahla’s dad: Bass Master baba. Bait. Not masturbating. Baiting techniques, like how to put tah-joint on a needle and smoke it. Do you know about Bass Masters? Never mind. In kiyeh Shala joon?

Shahla: Daddy Hajiagha az khodemooneh. He is from us.

Hajiagha: Actually…

Shahla’s dad: What if you don’t find a woman? Don’t you get frustrated?

Hajiagha: I do get angry and start ranting and saying things like sucks to Canada, women’s right no good why should I support women’s right to get stronger than me and children young as 13 selling drugs in Victoria but JJ deletes me.

Shahla’s dad: Ey baba key mire in hame rah ro? JJ vaJJ, Canada, Manada. Do you know Esteve? He says he is 21 but I doubt it, he looks more like 16 or 17.

Hajiagha: I don’t know Steve, but children young as 8 .….

Shahla’s dad: Law-elah-e L Allah.

Hajiagha: Children young as 9?

Shahla’s dad: Anyway. I work in a used car dealership and have a nice Trans Am for you. Metallic. Gold with black stripes. Niyshe!

Hajiagha: Trans Ams are 8 cylinders and with gas prices these days who wants a Trans Am? Aren’t they discontinued?

Shahla’s dad: Terans Ams are Esportee, lavand kosh, girls like it. You are single. Don’t you want a car that girls like to see you in? I’ll give you a good deal. Okaziyon-e (good opportunity).

Hajiagha: I don’t want a car. I need a wife.

Shahla’s dad: be oonam mire-seem. I’ll give you extra special discount! It is good for you. Didn’t you always want a Trans Am when you were young?

Shahla: Daddy velesh kon machine nemikhad.

Hajiagha: When I was young I had to go to war and spent my youth in the war.

Shahla’s dad: Oh? You fought in war?

Hajiagha: Yes and I was a Janbaz (ready to die for cause).

Shahla’s dad: Hezbollah-e hastee?

Hajiahja: Not anymore. The hell with god and Islam and all of that.

Shahla’s dad: Astakh-for-ellah. Hot and cold chera mikonee? Na be oon shoori-ye shoor. Na be in bee-namaki.

Hajiagha: God didn’t give me opportunity.

Shahla’s dad: God is good daddash. You don’t need to be Hezbollah-e to believe in god. You can believe in it like a normal person. I like god and I ask him to help me selling cars. Like selling this Terans Am to you.

Shahla: Daddy forget it. Let’s talk about khastegaree and wrap this up.

Shahla’s dad: Okay Hajiagha. I didn’t like some of the stuff you said here but let’s get this over with before I change my mind. To be honest with you I have to unload my daughter. She is getting old and stealing my Eshtash (stash).

Shahla: Dadeee-eeee???

Shahla’s dad: Azizam taroof ke nadareem. You can’t hold a job. You need a man to take care of you. Hajiagha will take any woman so bezar sharr-e-show bekanim bere.

Hajiagha. Actually I don’t think this is going to work. I need a wife to share my life so we can build our lives together. I don’t want to work hard and spend my money on Hashish….

Shahla: Maree-Juann-naw!!

Hajiagha: So zahmat-o kam koneem. Yaa Ali.

Shahla’s dad: Ey babba. Our Shala joon is a great housewife. She can hire an excellent maid to cook and clean. Have a sit. Let’s have the second tea.

Hajiagha: Yyks! That was close.