Be Prepared for Election Disaster


Multiple Personality Disorder
by Multiple Personality Disorder

Elections are unnatural man-made disasters, particularly in volatile regions of the world such as Iran. They are very real and dangerous, and each year hundreds of people are killed during an election event.  The next presidential election disaster in Iran is scheduled for June 12, 2009.  There are several things you can do to prepare yourself for an election disaster before it happens.

If you can survive the first 72 hours of an election disaster the chances of you surviving the rest of the year, till the next election, is greatly enhanced.  If you prepare yourself now you will thank yourself later.

Educate yourself and your family members about the worse candidates.  They are the ones that cause most of the damage.

Buy two dozen condoms in preparation for being fucked really good by election results.

Try to develop routes and methods for getting home after an election disaster has occurred. Since there is no precise time of day when an election disaster might strike, you may be at work, at school, on a bus, or in a subway when basijis might strikes you. It is very likely that you will need to know several ways to get home since roads will most likely be blocked at check points for long periods of time.

A large supply of first aid kit is a must for treatment of your wounds from being beaten up by the basijis.  

Put your election disaster supplies in a central location in the house where any member of your family could easily access it to attend to your wounds.

Tell your family members about the best place to go during an election and what they can do if you are incapacitated.  

Children should know how to survive in case you don’t make it back any time you go outside during an election day.

Iranian-made battery-operated flashlights are worthless in most cases.  Find a good faanoos’e nafti and make sure enough naft toosheh.

Portable battery-operated radios are a good idea but once again Iranian-made batteries are worthless.

If possible find self-powered radios and flashlights.

If you have cell phones, make sure their batteries are always charged, and have some extra batteries.

Make sure you have a lot of candles.

Keep 2 weeks worth of food and water in case there is an aftermath of election day disaster.  noon’e lavash lasts longer than sangaki or barbari, but it has to be wrapped good.  Grow some sabzi in your house, and survive for two weeks on noon’o panir’o sabzi.  Keep a lot of water in your hamoom.

A good set of knives for protection.

Have a large amount of cash stashed away in your house in case you have to escape to Turkey.

Learn rudimentary sign language to communicate with members of your family in crowded streets.

Have a plan to meet your family members in a central location in case you are separated.

Ask an out-of-country family member or friend to serve as a central contact. Make sure everyone memorizes this person's phone number. Do not count on having the number on a piece of paper.

Be concern about yourself and your immediate members of your family only, the hell with the others.

Confusion is the first thing after an election. Eliminate confusion by not believing a single word you hear after an election.

If at all possible, avoid staying near polling places.

In case of an election disaster turn off all the lights in your house and use your candles or faanoos’e nafti.

Consider keeping a knife under your bed before, during, and after the election, and the rest of your life.

Put your sturdiest running shoes for each member of your family by the exist door.

It doesn’t hurt to be prepared.


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by yolanda on

Hi! MPD,

  Anahid put the link of this article in her latest I found my way here....apparently your article was written before I joined IC and before the election.....your article is very apocalyptic & favorite line is:

Confusion is the first thing after an election. Eliminate confusion by not believing a single word you hear after an election.


You also predicted the basiji attack correctly!

great job


Thanks MPD

by sima on

I have a little more free time than usual these days so I'm going to go see what else you've been writing lately!

Multiple Personality Disorder

Anahid Hojjati, eroonman,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

Thank you for reading.

Multiple Personality Disorder


by Multiple Personality Disorder on

Your comment means a lot to me since I think highly of you.


I have a better idea: Vote Blank

by eroonman on

Voting in Iran this June is a moral dilemma. Actually an oxymoral dilemma.

If you vote FOR any candidate on the ballot, you are merely certifying Khamenei's choice over - I mean- for you.

If you don't vote, your passport or ID card won't  get the good stamp and you might be prevented from leaving Iran or some other form of abuse. Plus you run the risk of having to endure the beatings and various survival techniques offered here.

One intriguing option is to vote BLANK. Meaning go into the booth, and simply drop an unmarked ballot into the slot. This votes for NOBODY. You get your stamp and off you go to buy flour, butter, eggs, and whatever other baking ingredients they've horded to keep you under control.

Let the ballot counters (do they even bother counting ballots in Iran?) deal with the moral or oxymoral dilemma of counting blank ballots, and actually reporting the results. My guess is they probably won't, but what do you care? By then you're long gone and happily baking cookies with all the butter, flour, and eggs you've just bought!

And who knows, maybe NOBODY will win! It's not like we haven't had a NOBODY as president of Iran before!

You Can't Always Get what You want

Anahid Hojjati


by Anahid Hojjati on



You ARE funny, bro!

by sima on

And I couldn't agree more with your sentiments toward elections.


nevermind the election

by azadi55 (not verified) on

nevermind the election disaster, on June 6 Team Melli plays North Korea, in a game which if they don't win, they will be pretty much out of the World Cup. Actually, come to think of it if Iran loses that game, people will be so pissed off that instead of an election there could be a revolution. fek konam konfe yekoon beshe.

Multiple Personality Disorder

Well, actually

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

After the Revolution, when drinking alcohol became illegal, most who drank learned how to make their own liquor, wine, or beer in their own bathrooms.  One of my brothers’ specialties was distilled spirit, which was way too strong for me, but it didn’t look like it was too much for him since he drank it all day.  Another brother made beer, not too bad either.

A lot of people will drink on the election day anyway regardless of who wins, but I can’t imagine how they could keep ice in their bathtub for a long period on time. 

anonymous fish

but you forgot

by anonymous fish on

the bathtub full of ice-downed beer.  :-)

Multiple Personality Disorder

Thank you Monda

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

You're very kind.


Your opening statement is fantastic!

by Monda on

"Elections are unnatural man-made disasters, particularly in volatile regions of the world such as Iran. " Good work MPD.


Multiple Personality Disorder

It does

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

I looked at a few disaster preparedness materials before I wrote this, perhaps too much reproduction.

anonymous fish


by anonymous fish on

sounds just like my "hurricane preparedness" list.  :-)