US and IRI to meet on Valentine’s Day


Multiple Personality Disorder
by Multiple Personality Disorder

According to a reliable source the United States of American and Islamic Republic of Iran are planning to meet on Saturday February 14, Valentine’s Day, in a yet undisclosed location, and are going to hug, kiss, and forgive each other simultaneously, IF everything is kosher, I mean halal.

Barack Obama’s administration has been hard at work to communicate their intentions to the Iranians ever since the Presidential election was over in November 2008, however the first public sign of US willingness to talk to Iran came on Saturday February 7th when Vice President Joe Biden send a clear message to Iran in the International Conference on Security in Munich. Although Iranian parliamentary speaker, Ali Larijani, was present at the conference most of the time, he conveniently left the conference room for a bathroom break and did not return to hear Biden in person. Apparently Larijani had chosen a policy of naaz kardan (I don’t know, policy of hard to get). According to another reliable source in Iran, the IRI’s supreme leader, Ali Khamenei, had told Larijani before his departure to Munich that “taa mitoni naaz kon (make it hard to get as much as you can).But, upon hearing Biden’s call for talks through a secretly installed hearing device in the bathroom, Larijani was heard by an undercover vice detective in the next stall, shouting at the top of his lunge, “okh joon Khomeini rost goft ke emrika heech galati nemitoneh beconeh (thank god Khomeini was right to say America can not do a damn thing).“ The detective at the time didn’t understand what Larijani was saying and thought he might be moaning because something had died inside him, but upon farther review of the tape recording of Larijani’s joyous outcry by the CIA’s Persian translators, the administration was encourage that the Iranians were in favor of talks.

The next positive sign from the US came on Monday February 9th from President Barack Obama in his first news conference in Washington D.C., with this clear message that “My national security team is currently reviewing our existing Iran policy, looking at areas where we can have constructive dialogue, where we can directly engage with them...we will be looking for openings that can be created where we can start sitting across the table face to face. “ At the time of this news conference the administration was hoping to meet with Iranians “in the coming months”, however it is now clear that wheels are turning faster than expected.

The meeting set for Valentine’s Day is already dubbed by some Iranians in the streets as the molaaghaat’e oshagh (meeting of lovers), and as the result price of housing in the capital is already doubling up in the hopes that soon thousands of Iranian-Americans will be needing comfortable quarters to live in Tehran.

To begin with, Obama’s administration has planned to make the following concessions to the Iranians as a gesture of good will:

1- The United States is willing to have all their female representatives, especially Hillary Clinton, fully veiled.

2- American female representatives would not extend their hands to shake hands with Iranian representatives. Any refusal by any Iranian representative to shake hand with any American woman, after she mistakenly has extended her hand, would not be considered a sign of disrespect. Obama personally has guaranteed to explain this aspect of Islamic norm to the members of his cabinet, since he is personally familiar with this custom.

3- Only halal food would be served. Several Islamic scholars have already been consulted regarding this sensitive matter, and several of those several scholars will be hired by the administration to assure the halalness of any food served to the Iranians.

4- The administration has already hired the help of Merry Maids Incorporation to assure anything that is nejes (religiously unclean) is properly cleaned. MMI in return for their locrative contract has assured the administration that all their maids will be properly circumcised according to Islamic tradition, whether Iranians like it or not.


Cheer up guys, IF things go according to the secret plan this Saturday soon we’ll be working in Iran as Iranian-Americans.


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more from Multiple Personality Disorder


by capt_ayhab on

Imagine 9 months from now......... The offspring of this match made in Valentines day.

A tall dark monkey looking kid that speaks in FINGLISH.........


capt_ayhab [-YT]


literary critic

by Majid on

why would you ask if i'm dyslexic?  do you know anything about it?

just curious.


پس این ثابت می‌ کنه ...

Literary critic (not verified)

که خدا نیست

Oops! I had to correct myself

The trailing dots were placed incorrectly.

JJ's editor is not formatting my dot's position correctly when Farsi and English fonts are in the same comment.

Multiple Personality Disorder

پس این ثابت می کنه

Multiple Personality Disorder

...که خدا نیست


In good jest!!

by Literary critic (not verified) on

1. "O God" should be written as O' God.
2. "my be enkindled by the fire of your love" should be: may be ....
3."favour" is the British spelling and should be written as favor to be consistent with your generally American spelling.
4. "through the breaths of the Holy Spirit" are of Baha'i faith?
5. "I might believe in you if you grant me this wish. should read: I might believe in you if you would grant me this wish.


"specifically those of arjang's," should read: specifically those of Arjang, (capital A and no apostroph s)


Are you dyslexic?


MPD & and Monda

by Majid on

Good one! and thank you.......LOL

And....Literary AAZHDAAN, this is for you my friend!



Literary Critic

by Monda on

I notice your passion for correcting grammar and such.  Have you visited the second most discussed "Are Iranian Women amongst the most disloyal...." yet? That piece and all the comments below it, specifically those of arjang's, should compensate for your contributions to this site. I wish you a happy VD in your wonderful Toranto!

Multiple Personality Disorder

O God!

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

Verily he is weak, but you are mighty.  Verily, he is poor, but you are rich, he is the critic, and you are the One sought.  O God!  Have compassion upon him to forgive him; bestow upon him such capacity and the receptiveness that he may be worthy of your favours and become attracted to your kingdom, that he may drink deep of the water of life, my be enkindled by the fire of your love, and be resuscitated through the breaths of the Holy Spirit in this radiant century because I don’t know what else to do with him, for there are days like this that I might believe in you if you grant me this wish.


In jest!...

by Literary critic (not verified) on

Please correct the following errors:

1. "According to a reliable source the United States of American and Islamic Republic of Iran " should read the United States of America.

2. "on Saturday February 7th when Vice President Joe Biden send a clear message to Iran" should read Joe Biden sent.

3. "Although Iranian parliamentary speaker" should read The Speaker of Iran's (Iranian) Parliament.

4. "Ali Khamenei, had told Larijani before his departure to Munich that “taa mitoni naaz kon - "that" is not needed or if you use "that" you don't need to use double quotation marks.

5. "the administration was encourage that the Iranians were in favor of talks. " should read "was encouraged"

...and many more but I have no houseleh!!

I am sure you will take this in good jest :)

Multiple Personality Disorder

Dear AF,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

This weekend our lives could be changed forever.  IF they meet and kiss and hug, my life, our lives could be changed like never before.  I’ve tried so hard to find out from my reliable sources where they’re going to meet, but the secrecy is unbelievable.  I hope everything works out well.  I wish I could send them a bouquet of roses.   

Multiple Personality Disorder

Dear Monda,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

You got lucky this one I didn’t delete yet.


 Who’s got “deans”?  Please name names.  I believe the person who’s allegedly had “deans” was attempting to write a satire, but misunderestimated Iranians’ ability to be supercritical of foreigners.  Please don’t name names.  I was kidding.  I named names and I'm still in the dog house. 

anonymous fish

what a great way to start a friday

by anonymous fish on

and the weekend.  thanks!

damet garm MPD

Multiple Personality Disorder

Dear Jaleh,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

The guidelines outlined by Osama are only first step icebreakers.  Bringing belly dancers to the first meeting is highly controversial.  What if the Iranians like it and want more.  Wouldn’t that cause a scandal, and then wouldn’t the Iranians blame it on the evil Americans for corrupting their pious minds?

But regardless, I believe if it is decided that belly dancers ought to be provided, then all dancers, as all other female representatives, should be fully veiled just to be safe, I mean for their own safety, the safety of the dancers, I mean.


Nice one MPD! :o)

by Monda on

If this is a product of yet another sleepless night for you, do have a cup of coffee before bedtime, regularly!

My first reaction is to visualize Hillary in Roosari...then I'm thinking nah babba Condi didn't do that at any meetings, did she?

Nazy joon I'm not positive if vegetarian would automatically equate Halaal..what if the person who cooks addas polo or kookoo is non-mossalmon? (I wrote it in inglisi so uptight people wouldn't have the excuse to discuss their deans here instead of MPD's piece!)

Multiple Personality Disorder

Dear ana101,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

Thank you for the complements.  I looked at your archive and I see that you’re a newcomer here, and you seem to like poetry.  Please consider my poem, “Welcome Alene”, carefully because many people have been trapped by this machine since they overlooked the warning signs.


I remember at the beginning of the US invasion of Afghanistan, in Iran they reported that Osama had escaped to Pakistan through mountainous regions, I don’t remember which passage they said, but a couple of days later a reporter asked Donald Rumsfeld about what Iranians had reported and Donald denied it vehemently, saying what do they know, nobody knows anything and stuff like that, but anyway I think average Iranians in the streets know a lot compared to some other average people in the world.  

Multiple Personality Disorder

Dear Nazy,

by Multiple Personality Disorder on

I see that you stayed up passed midnight.  Did you take Friday off to make this a five-day holiday for yourself?

Regarding Article 2, according to the guidelines laid out by Obama if both Iranian and American representatives are women, they could shake hands, hug, and kiss on both sides on cheeks twice.  Whether this is acceptable by Iranians or not needs to be ironed out.

Regarding Article 3, send your suggestion to Obama.


Nazy jaan

by Souri on

I accidently fell here and have not read the blog yet, but saw your question (article 2)

A: Mulsem (man/woman) should not  shake any kaafer (non-muslim) hand in any case. Any contact with a kaafar is considered as touching a Najess thing and therefore Namaaz become baatel, unless they wash their hands 7 times after that.

You're welcome :O))


My multiple sentiments about your article

by Jaleho on

if I were to use your identity matrix would be:

A11, A13, A21,A22, and A33. Not that I suffer as severe a MPD like yours, it just goes to say that your problem is not as bad as it seems :-) And, I guess as a representative for Iranians reporting  Valentine related articles, you should substitue at least one of those smiley faces with a kiss throwing one.

And, in the concesions you forgot one important article:

Suppose the Americans do devious things like when they set Rice and Mottaki next to each other for serious talks, and then they bring nekked belly dancers for entertainment. What is a man to do but leave??!! Please ban it immediately to avoid any excuse for a break up.

PS. That Idaho potato, senator Craig, is something like our Bam bademjoon.


Anahid Hojjati

Meeting between Iran and US

by Anahid Hojjati on

You write very well and have great sense of humor.  It is true that sometimes what you hear in Iran as gossip, later turns out as news in US.  Before 1983, in Iran, people were talking about how Iran and US had relations and it took years in US for people to find out about Contras case during Reagan.

Nazy Kaviani

Agha Ejazeh?

by Nazy Kaviani on

I have a question about Article 2.

What if both the Iranian and the American representatives are women? Can they shake hands then (bela maane ast)? Or would a refusal to shake hands then also be tolerated?

On Article 3, I suggest an all vegetarian fare for the "do." They can't go wrong with kashk-o bademjoon and kookoo sabzi. The caterers can add adas polo ba kishmish for good measure, too.