we're NOT pregnant


we're NOT pregnant
by Multiple Personality Disorder

Finally!  In the midst of all these horrible news, especially coming from Iran, I heard on the radio that a man told a 911 dispatcher that he didn't know his wife was pregnant, as she was giving birth to a baby boy.  I believe this man to be one of the luckiest men alive for not knowing about his wife's pregnancy, and his wife, knowingly or unknowingly, to be one of the most compassionate women anywhere in the world for not telling him about it.

What I'm saying might sound strange to some readers, but if you allow me to write a few words you might understand why I’m so envious of this man.  He didn’t go through nine months of hell that his wife would have put him through, he didn't have to rub coconut oil on his wife's fat belly, yes she is fat, she is so fat that they didn't notice she was pregnant, and he didn't have to keep saying "WE are pregnant", "WE are pregnant"!  What "WE"?!  Who invented this WE pregnancy stuff?!  I bet it was a woman.  I bet the first woman that came up with this "WE are pregnant" stuff was a woman that couldn't keep her pregnancy to herself, so she had to get her husband pregnant too.  What I want to know is this, if both of them are pregnant, why don't they have two babies at a time, one out of her vagina and one out of his..., well I can't say it, but go ahead and imagine it for yourself.

But, let's not dwell too much in that WE stuff; let's just talk about this guy who was so lucky for nine months.  I can imagine the days that men were men and any time one of them got his wife pregnant it wouldn't phase him one way or another, and when she went out in the woods to deliver, the man would say, so what?!  shaakh'e ghool shekondeh?  Yes, those men were tough alright!  But look at us now, look what has happened to us: 

- You must go to Lamaze classes, sir!
- What for?!
- So, you can learn about PHILOSOPHY of pregnancy.
- Are you kidding me?!  I didn't know pregnancy had philosophy.  I always thought once I learned Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle’s philosophy I was done with philosophy.
- Oooo no sir!  We'll teach you how natural pregnancy is.
- I know all about it, as it is evident that she is naturally pregnant with the help of my naturally thingy.
- We'll teach you how to empower your woman to gain confidence in her body.
- Excuse me!  It's her body; it's her choice how to feel about it.
- We'll teach you how to coach her through delivery.
- Why?  Are you short staffed?
- No sir, she needs your support.
- What kind of support?
- There will be a lot of pain.
- I'm sorry; I have no tolerance for pain.
- No sir, she'll be in a lot of pain.
- Is she going to blame me for it?
- No sir, this is a joyous moment for couples who are pregnant.
- Excuse me!  I'm not pregnant, she is.

Well, you see?!  They got us pregnant now, where as before we would go into the woods and hunt bears and cut them up into pieces and bring them to the village and feed a piece of a liver to the baby, and that was the end of that, but now, nine months of nagging, nine months of shear terror till the climactic moment, which is blood and pregnancy juices oozing out all over the place, and the head of the baby coming out that WE have to video tape and post on youetube, for all other helpless men to see.

So, this man was lucky for nine months and he didn't even know that he was the luckiest man alive, till his wife had to ruin it for him.  Yes, she went to the bathroom and bled all over those nice tiles that he had cleaned earlier that day, and she had to moan and raise her voice, which caused him stress, that's how I know, by listenjng on the radio to his conversation with the 911 operator, I know that woman had done him wrong at the end by her whining and moaning.

Poor guy!  He even had to clean up the afterbirth, the placenta, and the fetal membrane that was expelled from her uterus after the birth of the baby boy.
"Ugh...disgusting!"  The man said.


Recently by Multiple Personality DisorderCommentsDate
ناگهان، شاهین نجفی Suddenly, a song by Shahin Najafi
Nov 13, 2012
Universal Love
Oct 01, 2012
Shahin Najafi, When...
Sep 02, 2012
more from Multiple Personality Disorder
Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez

What a relief that you are not pregnant! hahaha

by Natalia Alvarado-Alvarez on

Yes, I know, I read your blog. I just thought the title was soooooo funny.

Sorry, guys but with all due respect, y'all could not handle pregnancy.lol



Men are sperm donners

by mommy (not verified) on

Mr Anonymous iranian 1: are you kidding me little man? I thank sperm banks for making me pregnant. I was already a woman when I had sex and was on pills.


Thank a man for making a girl turn to a woman!

by Anonymous iranian 1 (not verified) on

I am not being sexist,but consider the joy that a woman feels when she is pregnant and when she bears her baby and the completeness that a woman feels is because of us men.

Multiple Personality Disorder

Thank you all for your comments

by Multiple Personality Disorder on



Sharareh, since you’re so kind to me I promise I'll start reading your archive.

Nilo, I enjoyed reading your poem also.  

t, my mother had close to a dozen children.  Yeah, my father was tough alright.  I posted the blog picture myself, not the editor.  I’ll focus on breastfeeding.

AF, I hope they put your gut back together the correct way after they asundered it (I know, asunder is not a verb).  A distant relative of mine was having pain in her chest a couple of years ago.  In MRI they discovered that she had a suture needle lodged near her lung.  Nearly thirty years before she had a C-section and apparently they had left a needle inside of her, and over the years it had traveled to near her lung.  So, I hear you, with C-section or without, guts ripped asunder.

Kaveh,  I will try to keep it up. 

Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on


Keep up the wonderul work!!

anonymous fish


by anonymous fish on

great job!  one of your best.  although i have to admit to being one of those women who did say "we're pregnant'...lol.

i can assure you... the last thing i wanted WAS my husband with me. jeez... like i needed to be dealing with THAT along with my gut being ripped asunder. 

damet garm.  and yeah, we're waiting for the breast-feeding next...lol


I agree

by t (not verified) on

As a woman reader, I agree with you. Very cute and true. I went through 2 pregnancies and was shocked each time I went for my regular visits and saw the poor men dragged along from work to sit next to their perfectly fine wives. I think those women do this to their husbands because frankly they have time on their hand and don't understand how difficult it is to break from work for an hour or so (and for what, a urine exam someone else has to take!) They want to show their husbands what hard work it is to be pregnant. I had my kids in my very late 30s (so I was no Spring chicken) and I worked full-time until hours before birth, and I didn't find pregnancy difficult at all. The women who have this concept of "we are pregnant" just want to draw attention to themselves and buy themselves value.
Now why don't you write about the breast feeding part. BTW, JJ put up a cute picture to go along with the post.

Nilo Siavashi

MPD 's pregnancy article is funny

by Nilo Siavashi on


Dear Multiple Personality Disorder, I laughed so much reading your article.  Your article is quite funny particularly where you talked about what if guys gave birth.

Sharareh Golshani

Oh dearest Multiple Personality Disorder....

by Sharareh Golshani on

Please don't ever stop writing.  Mordam az khande :) Thanks for such a great piece :)