Sketches of an Iranian American

Omid B

You said it well. Every healthy human being needs love and connection and that sence of belonging to another.

This has been a most enlightning thread

Thank you for the blog

ناتاليا

Sheila K

I was born and raised in the US, so that explains why I'm so Americanized. I've tried to resist!

I did not clarify that I'm interested in love (rather than merely re-marriage, which is shallow). I honestly don't care if I never get married... I just yearn for that connection, and the beauty in it. I do want to spend my life with someone, but not necessarily now. And not necessarily marriage. So we agree!

However, I do not shy away from the totally legitimate need I have for connection and love. I'm a healthy human being. I had none of that valueable stuff in my marriage. And it's silly for me to let society's obsession with the legal nonsense to prevent me from pursuing what I think makes life beautiful. Now or whenever I like.

I do not believe women in Iran are better or worse. I never mentioned, even in remotely similar terms, a sentiment like that. And if I did, I didn't mean it.

Yours,

Omid

why do you want to be married?

Why do you want to be married so soon after a divorce? What if you don't get married ever? What if you just meet someone and be happy in a long term relationship?

Seems to me that your ex wife was brought here thru marriage, then what makes you so Americanized? Did you believe then women in Iran are better?

My suggestion would be to move on with your life with or without marriage. There are so many other things you can do in life to bring purpose and happiness. Marriage is not the key to happiness.

ash kashk khalateh...

omid jan,

you haven’t gotten divorced and already thinking about getting married again?  mashallah be eshtehaa.  after a full meal, i usually think about dessert not another meal.  you got pretty good advices so far and some pretty bad ones too and i’m sure only you can decide which one is which.  I have friends that are married to non-iranians who have kept their Iranian-ness, if you will.  in fact, the wife of one of them travels without him to iran with the kids in tow because he can’t spend as much vacation time there (she likes to spend couple of months in iran in the summer).  the wife and kids are fluent in farsi now.  and yet i know of Iranian couples whose kids don’t speak farsi and don’t like to even go and visit iran.  go figure.

one thing I don’t agree with is that marriage is only for those who want to have children.   does that mean that one has to be sure that they want to have children before they get married.  or if they decide not to have children after they get married, they might as well divorce.  if that is so, then marriage works well for those who never change their mind and always know what they want. bottom line is that people get married for different reasons. 

in summary, the answers to your questions are 1) it depends, and 2) yes.

lastly, javadagha: chakerim.

yaa hoo

......

Hi Holly,

     I agree with you here:

*************************** 

 And the most common scenario among Iranians nowadays is that both are educated professionals and contribute to the wealth of the family equally.

***************************

Thank you! 

Delaram Banafsheh (Yolanda)

"Cactus in the Desert"

Javadagha

I appreciate your attention to my post. 

Just to clarify my position (as there is some controversy among Near East scholars), I know Iranian culture is not about kabob. But sure, that position affronts the findings of archaeologist Professor Divu Nenistam, who represents the majority view. He excavated one fossilized sikh of ground beef, with rice, at the site of Cyrus's tomb, bearing the inscription (translated of course): one sikh, one people.

So, Javad, although you and me hold the minority opinion, I think we're right!

Yours,

Omid

JavadAghga

"When a woman figures out how much she can get ($$), she will think why not. "

That is niether nice nor accurate Sir. It would be appropriate to exchange the word 'when' for 'some' at least. And to be fair, a lot of men also marry wealthy women for money. It used to be that if a woman was rich it was probably due to inheritance and hence there were fewer wealthy women than men. But that's fast changing and a lot of professionals who happen to be women have their own wealth. And the most common scenario among Iranians nowadays is that both are educated professionals and contribute to the wealth of the family equally. I could argue the monetary value of the work of a housewife and mother too but I'm sure you can figure that out.

It really is nice to word our statements carefully when speaking from personal experience.

JavadAgha

You note[The majority of Iranians, both women and men, do not care about culture or heritage.  They care where they live, what they drive,]

I do not think that this a fair assessment of Iranian family units. Although I agree with you to a certain disagree, specially when we see the pattern of raising divorce rate. But I have to disagree with you since these type of marriages are rather exception than the rule.

Regards

-YT 

Marriage is for having children

The rate of divorce is high in the U.S. and Iran is catching up.

I had a similar or the same situation to yours.  Her family members, divorced women, and lawyers expedited my intention to file for the divorce paper.  When a woman figures out how much she can get ($$), she will think why not.  

The reason I left the U.S. was or still is because material plays important factor among Iranians.  Iranians have no problem to throw in a lavish party (with lots of Vodka), but have problems to promote or work on cultural things which you are interested in.

I agree with one poster (bajenaghe naghi), if you do not want children, do not marry.  Marriage was or is designed to produce children.   The majority of Iranians, both women and men, do not care about culture or heritage.  They care where they live, what they drive, and how they dress.  So you are looking for a wrong person to marry.   An Iranian man married a lady from Germany, now they have two children.  The German wife, started learning Persian, and pushed the children to learn the language and its culture.  Children have Persian names.  She cooks at least three times a week Persian meals.  Now, compare this with Iranians who change their names to Mike, Michael, etc., and do not care about Iranian culture.  Iranian culture is NOT about eating or preferring chelo kabob.   Omid jaan; there are many people such as yourself who say they have been Westernized, but prefer chelo kabob.  You have an identity problem which will influence your decision for many years to come.  

This issue is very important and I know few sentences will not do a service to discuss this important topic.  I wish there was plenty of time, but I have to do other things, including preserving our cultural heritage because that has become a good part of my life.

.......

 Hi! Hamid,

       I like this part you wrote:

************************************

On a side-note, have you noticed when people describe others their description may reveal more about them than the person they are describing?  Such as when the friend says “that guy drives a Lexus, just got a promotion, has a big house and has never been married.”  He/she just described everything that was important to him/her.

******************************

It makes perfect sense! Great observation!

thank you!! 

Delaram Banafsheh (Yolanda)

"Cactus in the Desert"

Hamid aghayeh Bolbol

Thank you kindly for the clarification Sir. You had me worried there. As to your point about people's decsription of the other person revealing more about themselves, I agree, I have seen that often. The upside is that folk who do that are also often uninentioanlly transparent and save you a lot of time and trouble by giving themselves away easily :)

And please make 'soon', sooner, than later. 'Looking forward.

Cheers.

Holleh khanomeh gol

“Such a woman” was in reference to those that consider a divorced person damaged goods simply based on their previous marital status as opposed to the content of their character.  Those who are quick to issue labels (thus the term stigma in this context) are more likely to have a more superficial worldview instead of an in-depth understanding (and thus the clash of value systems).   My initial reference to “such a woman” may not have been clear so my apology for the lack of clarity.  Considerations of past relationships are still a must regardless of the value system but that’s an intelligent evaluation of facts and not judgment based on labels.   It is prudent to examine all excess baggage quite carefully before boarding the plane otherwise one might end up in an unwanted multi-way relationship which includes the ex and the ex's future ex.  

On a side-note, have you noticed when people describe others their description may reveal more about them than the person they are describing?  Such as when the friend says “that guy drives a Lexus, just got a promotion, has a big house and has never been married.”  He/she just described everything that was important to him/her.

And to your kind last question: soon.

Faramarz, Good reminder.

I'm responsible for the "wrong direction." While I only wanted to explore formalities and prejudices in my original post, your point is well taken. I have neglected to identify what this is really about: LOVE. I like how you decided to illustrate your point!!!

The person who will put sham to shamdon for me is something that I must patiently find out... probably for the rest of my life. I have only two major relationships in my past, and that has aided in my learning process. Nothing teaches like experience.

I don't think I should attempt to describe my preferences, but suffice it to say that she would be tender, a student of the sublime, zerang and unsilenceable.

Yours,

Omid

بى اميد خان

I have been reading the comments on your postings, and I have to say that you are going about this completely the wrong way

You talk about yourself and your divorced status as if you are a

ماشين ِ تصادفى

شعم  تو شعمدون

قند تو قند ون

گل تو گلدون

Once you figure out what you want in a woman, trust me, everything will fall into place

Omid jan

It was actually clear to me that you don't have all the extra stuff. Bia LA khodam barat yeh zaneh khoob peyda mikonam lol

But Hamid included baggage/children in his statement so I guess we'll wait for him to clraify.

Lady vs. Female

Kourosh khan/jan (take whichever suits you best and don't gimme heartache about it :), I AM female but we both know that doesn't necessarily make a 'lady', just as being a male does not necessarily make a man. Just look around ic for proof.

That said, thank you for the compliment if indeed it was intended and I think I'll take Omid up on operating on Tehran time like a good Iranian should lol

Holly jan

To clarify myself - I have no baggage (no emotional damage, no children, no divided property, etc.). So with that assumption (which I should have made moshakhas earlier), anyone with prejudice against me is probably looking at my superficial label of "divorced". And that is a value system that I do not respect.

I give anyone the full right to avoid people who bring complicated bagge to a relationship, which distracts from the focus: romance. So, I think I agree with the sentiment in your question. 

Yours,

Omid

Ey baba OMID

I would 100% agree that having something against a divorced status alone is not cool but how is it not fair to have concerns if someone comes from a previous marriage with excessive and unresolved baggage or may be kids (young ones that is)? Toro khoda yeki begeh PUHLEASE!

Mordam az khande

It's almost midnight in Iran - that means you can drink Vodka without khejalat. 

Yours,

Omid

You are a lady yourself

That is if the name "hollyUSA" reflects your true gender, You know. People tend to deceive a lot these days.

So why don't you go ahead and do what a lady is supposed to do:).

Do the right "lady" thing:)

Mr. Hamid

Thank you for that real insight. If someone is prejudiced against my status, I agree that they probably have a value system that won't mesh with mine anyway. And I thank everyone!

Yours,

Omid

chayi??

It's almost time for Vodka isn't it? Or do I have to wait until after noon?? Is that the 'ladylike' thing to do?? ;)

No. No,

I meant to say Mr. hamid's comment rather than the author. Sorry Mr. author of this blog:)

Az daste in HollyUSA. She would not let me concentrate so i can gather my thoughts.:))

Ey baba

Chekhabare te?:)

I was referring to your last comment to the author of this blog. I was not sure either as to what other values he was talking about, when dealing with a female with a previous divorce on her record..

Yek chayi chizi bezan ta aroom shi:)

Peace.

KouroshS

What was becoming an issue for you? Anything in particular or just the general issue you have with me ?? :P

Hollyusa

Very good Nokte you have brought up. It was becoming an issue for me as well:)

Hamid jan

I have a question regarding "Most Iranian women are particular when it comes to divorced men...., and much more so if there are kids involved.  But I doubt they
consider it a "lakeh", a stain.  It's the baggage they do not want. 
Perhaps you wouldn't want such a woman anyway as such a value system
reflects other issues that you might have difficulty with as well."

Can you elaborate more on that last part? What "other issues" do you percieve "such a value system" would indicate that may be worrying? I ask because I personally think concern about excessive baggage, children from another marriage etc is perfectly legitimate for one (man or woman) to have but I don't view my value system as...well...'such' you might say!:)

Thanks and why have you not writtem more hilarious pieces lately? I'm in need of a good witty read.

Rendd

hmmmm 'will have to watch out for you then ;)

Hamid...

Right on bro!