I Don't Want To Die


by TheMrs

Do you ever think about your own death? I do.

My first contact with the other world occurred when I was much younger. The long drawn out battle of older family members with disease, ending with uneasy passages to the underworld was curious to witness.

At my grand father’s memorial service for example, my cousins and I were grouped together on the second floor of the patriarch’s house. My older cousin was given the task of keeping the rest of us sufficiently entertained with the goal of keeping us away from the funeral.

I of course was not the kind of child to buy into that kind of fake imprisonment. I planned my escape carefully (pulled my socks up and my skirt in place, I didn’t want to trip and fall) and excused myself from the room with the “intention” of going to the rest room. Within 2 seconds I sprinted down stairs and my older cousin had no chance of stopping me. Once downstairs, I was shocked to see everyone in black and crying. It was frightening.

That experience was followed by a few more similar episodes.

One time, my parents decided to leave me with a friend instead of taking me with them to a funeral. Wise decision I would say. I woke up at my friend’s house and realized I had been duped! My parents had abondonned me knowing full well I really wanted to go to the funeral. This made me very angry. How dare they?!

I’ve even seen a couple of dead bodies. At least I think I have. I can’t be sure because my imagination and memories could be playing tricks on me. It was such a long time ago.

Needless to say, my first brushes with death were unpleasant. Complicated futher without a doubt by the religious ceremonies I observed. We were not a religious family but a funeral is a funeral and religious references where every where.

I’ve had a few brushes with death myself. Although I was scared in the heat of the moment, the episodes eventually turned into funny jokes about my clumsiness or the situations I manage to get myself into. Note to self, never hitch hike with your friends after a night of bar hoping. And if you do, and you survive, never ever admit it to your parents. No matter how guilty you feel, stick with the story “I was studying with Sanaz”. You may not survive your parents’ wrath.

Recently, I’ve become very conscious of my mortality. And I’m afraid. I really don’t want to die. Every time I think about it, I worry about how my family will deal with an untimely death. What about my lover? I don’t want him to be alone for the rest of his life but I’m not sure if I want him to move on quickly either.

Or, what would happen with my stuff? Even simple things such as emails are on my mind. What if I were to die today? Would anyone check my mail for me? I hope not, I have some pretty embarassing shit sitting in my inbox. Can’t email addresses, or ir.com logins, automatically self destruct when a death certificate is signed?

You may think I’m crazy for taking a natural human fear of mortality to the point of wondering about my email or my dirty socks. But I ask you, how else can you come to terms with what will eventually happen to you? What kind of arrangements are you supposed to make? Floral arrangements? Sista please. My relatives can deal with that. It’ll keep their mind off things. I’m concerned with the personal impact of my death.

I can’t imagine being burned or put in a coffin. Nafaseh adam migireh oon too.

The most terrible part of my ordeal is that I can’t bring myself to donate my body parts post mortem. How selfish is that? But so far, I haven’t been able to do it.

Obviously, I can’t prepare everything and wait for death. That’s exactly the issue here. I really don’t want to die. Ever. I want to stay young, healthy and happy…forever. I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way.

For now, zaboonam laal, goosheh sheytoon kar, tof tof.


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Free Spirit

RE: DW Duke.......Excellent!

by Free Spirit on

I look forward to your writings on the subject.

 Thank you!

DW Duke

Reply to Free Spirit

by DW Duke on

Yes, I will.  It will take me a couple of weeks though because I am currently swamped with other writing projects and I would like to address it properly.  About ten years ago I received a copy of the University of Michigan Alumni Magazine wherein Dr. Collins spoke very candidly.  He stated that the reason he started the Genome Project is that he believes that there was a  time when the aging process operated as I described in my last post.  (People would reach a certain age such as 30 then they would stop aging.)   My recollection of the interview is that he was asked if he believes the universe was intelligently designed in some fashion and he said there is no way it could have evolved purely by chance.  My understanding is that while he believes in microevolution he does not believe that macroevolution is a viable explanation of the origin of man.  Too many factors militate against it and in essence it is simply the scientist's way of explaning what he openly admits he does not understand.  I will contact the University to see if I can get a copy of the interview.  


Hi, thanks for reading.

by TheMrs on

Hi, thanks for reading. Obviously all of you are scared of dying too :) Especially when you go through all sorts of curves and hoops to try to mask your fear or rationalize it away. GOOD LUCK :)

I for one stand here and tell you I DON'T WANT TO DIE.


Free Spirit

Genome Project.......

by Free Spirit on

Could you.......would you turn your post into an article/blog?

It is a very interesting subject.


Free Spirit

Ebi is it a poem that you wrote

by Free Spirit on

It has peaked my curiosity.

Flying Solo


by Flying Solo on


DW Duke

Genome Project

by DW Duke on

Hi MS. Your concern about aging and dying is certainly important and legitimate. Death is a horrible event that should never occur. No person should ever suffer death. In fact, it is contrary to the "Order of the Universe."

I am sure that you have heard of the Genome Project. It was the cooperative effort of The University of Michigan, MIT and several other leading universities, to map the entire human genetic structure. The task is completed. The gene that causes the aging process has been identified. Guess what, it is a mutated gene. The original gene that caused aging was supposed to age to a certain number of years then become dormant. That age was between 30 and 50 years. The person in question was supposed to live forever at that age. But something went wrong. Every ancient culture has an explanation of what that might have been. According to Judaism and Christianity it was that mankind engaged in some abomination that caused the loss of the "immortal gene." In the story book that means they ate of the tree of "knowledge of good and evil." But is there something more? Could it be that they did something prohibited such as eating the flesh of a mammal which caused the gene to mutate. In other words, did the consuption of "flesh" cause an event that was so severe that it completeley altered human DNA? Could it be, as some have suggested, that humans were intended to be immortal but due to some "sin" they lost that immortality.

What I will tell you my unknown friend, is that there is reason to believe that physical immortality of humans is within "reach." There is so much research in this area but what is found is that it is beyond human reach. Physical immortality is spiritual. If you are truly interested in this topic I will discuss it further with you.

I will tell you this. There is a human speciman alive today, who according to the opinion of a number of reputable and very perplexed physicans, has stopped aging at the age of 35 though his physical age is 50+ and it is believed that others are waiting in the wings. :) How is this possible? Perhaps it is as Francis Collins the founder of the Genome Project said, humans were created to be immortal.  If the original gene that was supposed to result in immortality mutated, isn't it possible that it would mutate back?  What is the trigger of the event that prevents the infinite mutation? Some have suggested that it is pure love.  :)

Nazy Kaviani

Dear The Mrs.

by Nazy Kaviani on

The first time I contemplated death seriously was during the first month of my older son's life. I thought about what would happen to him if I died. I wrote my first will that day.

I came to the US to study when I was young. All my friends were young. Nobody did and nobody should have died when we were all so young. Deaths in the family were generally a series of news items conveyed over the telephone or in letters from Iran. When I left the US to go live in Iran in the 1990's, I was acutely aware of how ill-prepared I was for understanding death. I knew my parents were aging and ill and I couldn't deal with their inevitable deaths.

I started a macabre and important personal voyage into death in Iran. Whenever I heard someone died, I would will myself to go and attend their burial at Behesht-e Zahra. I would follow the pal all the way from Ghassalkhooneh to the burial site. I would stand with others to cite the Namaz-e Meyyet, crying my eyes out.

Most of the people whose funerals I attended were distant relatives or relatives to co-workers. I never went into the Ghassalkhooneh, for I didn't want to see the lifeless bodies, too chicken. One time I saw the face of someone who was being lowered into the grave when the shroud had been lifted. She was an older lady, peaceful and asleep.

My parents did pass away since, and I was as prepared for the rituals as could be expected, I guess. On a much more personal level, I have finally come to accept death, everybody's, including my own. I don't doubt and dwell on it. It's a fact of...LIFE! Instead, I started living every day as if there is no tomorrow, trying to find personal joy in everything, even the most mundane, even the most painful, even the most ridiculous! Every bad thing that happens can become a funny story soon, every good thing something around which I will celebrate by telling a story about it.

I love life, I live it to its every possible note, drop, and crumb. That is precisely why I'm not afraid of death.

Thank you for your as usual thought provoking blog. Do delete whatever worries you The Mrs. Jan, not because of what people may find in your inbox, but because your beautiful and important life here and now must not be encumbered by avoidable worries! Here's wishing you decades of long, healthy, and love-filled life.

ebi amirhosseini

I am not afraid ...

by ebi amirhosseini on

چون عمر بسر رسد چه شیرین و چه تلخ

پیمانه که پر شود چه بغداد و چه بلخ

می نوش که بعد از من و تو ماه بسی

از سلخ به غره آید از غره به سلخ


Ebi aka Haaji



by forever young (not verified) on

Missy, I think you meant postmortem not postpartum.


eternity in an hour

by Zion on

I wouldn't worry too much if I were you. It's an old observation, but no matter how bad death is or its consequences, you won't be around to experience it. So as long as there is any experiencing going on, you are. In a very real sense, there is eternity right there.

To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour.

William Blake



کفشدوز (not verified)

نعمت جان،
متشکرم که مرا بیاد آن آهنگ معروف انداختی. با گوش کردن به آن دریافتم که چه روزگاری است و چه زندگی است.


Akheh en harfaa chieh mizani dokhtar...

by پاپ (not verified) on

To yeki aslan sohbat-e margo mordano az een donyaa raftano nakon,,, meekhaay JJ degh koneh?!
Taa haalaa fekr kardi: what would he do without you? -haa?! ;-)


نظر ِ شخص ِ بنده

نعمت نفتى (not verified)

قصه يه خيلى قشنگى بود. منو ياد ِ جانى گيتار انداخت


نغمه سركن
در بر ِمن
اى جانى
جانى گيتار
جانى گيتار

Free Spirit

Not happening....

by Free Spirit on

Sorry, you do not convince me.

Don't worry, I'm sure God will provide for the worms.

Just not me! lol


But Free Spirit

by Anonymous fish (not verified) on

Maggots are creature of God too. They have be created to decompose a dead body quickly and efficiently, the same as fungus (mushrooms) to decompose plants.

Free Spirit

Well, I'm not afraid to die.........

by Free Spirit on

I'm going to have my body Barbecued.

 Yep! I will be cremated.

I am not giving the worms the satisfaction of eating me.

They can go find another Mexican buffet!lol


حضرت علی فرماید

امیر کبیر در باغ فین (not verified)

آنچنان زی که گویی این آخرین روز حیات توست.

ایثار بر مساکین
زندگی ساده
پندار نیک

Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on

The timing of your article couldn't be, well I don't want to say better, but I think you get the meaning.

This is going to be a very stressful weekend.

By the way, thanks for mentioning e-mails and logins. It reminded me to clear out all of my temporary files and browser history. :-)


Well this is too good :))

by Tahirih on

I am not afraid of passing from this hip of dust at all, and I owe that all to my spiritual beliefs, which by the way may cause nausea for you! Therefore, I will refrain from telling you dear , why , I am not afraid and why I am happy that non of those things that are haunting  you , are a bit  scary to me.

have a good one,



love it

by Anonymous fish (not verified) on

this is great. funny and soooooo human. i think probably a great many people agree with you deep down inside. i know it will make ME think twice about some issues.