by TheMrs

According to King James I of England, smoking is “a custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless”. He was a man ahead of his time! For today, the health hazards of smoking are well documented and medically indisputable. More importantly, the dangers of smoking are public knowledge.

Without a doubt, those of you who continue to ignore the medical evidence labeled on every package are slowly committing suicide. I’ve often wondered why you choose to smoke knowing full well that eventually (and almost surely) smoking will either kill you or give you horrible illnesses.

If you think I’m exaggerating then let me tell you that 90% of all lung cancer deaths are caused from smoking (not to mention it’s been linked to one third of all cancers). Smoke ‘em up people…

It’s easy to see why very depressed people would smoke. They’re drowning in a dark abyss and couldn’t care less about the negative side effects of smoking. Try telling a bankrupt, recently divorced, father of 4 who can’t see his kids anymore and just lost his parents in a war crime, not to smoke! So I’ll leave “bad bakhts” alone. This category of human beings should continue to smoke, and probably have several drinks every night too. Some pains can never be alleviated and if smoking manages to offer some kind of relief, then it can’t do more harm than good. We hope of course that all bad bakhtis will go away. One day, with sound body and mind, we can hold hands and be shiny happy people. But I’m not getting my hopes up!

As for the rest of the smokers, I don’t know what is going on their heads. But I’ve noticed some patterns of behavior specific to them.

First of all, they spend a lot of cash on cigs. They don’t care about the money they could be saving if they give up their nasty habit. They prefer to buy cigarettes on a weekly basis than use that money for something more productive. Poor people should be more concerned with this issue but it’s something rich people should think about too. If you have cash you don’t care about, I’ll take it!

Secondly, they huddle together. They have a brotherhood, not much different from cops. Smoking gives users a chance to meet others outside every building. Most of them might not even be aware of this. They take their cigarette breaks together. Share lighters. Puff on each other’s clothes. Awwwww, so cute! The little head tilt or the occasional “hi” is a great conversation starter. I’ve noticed that at every place I’ve worked, smokers all know each other and are friends. They look pathetic smoking outside when it’s minus 35 degrees but hey, at least they freeze and smoke together! Ta aakharin ghatreyeh khoon!

Smokers love to come up with all sorts of excuses to justify their habit. The most creative one is (maybe you’ve heard it too) that French people smoke and drink a lot but have very long lives, so smoking can’t be all THAT bad. I don’t know which moron came up with this justification. Basically, it’s like saying, doctors, researchers, medical experts and those who have dedicated their lives to studying the human body tell you that swallowing glass is very dangerous. But you decide to do it anyway because you saw that some people in India do it all the time. So how dangerous could it possibly be? Oh brother! No one ever mentions that French people don’t have sedentary lives like North Americans do. They walk a lot. Many of them are on the country side. And there are so many other factors that contribute to their long lives. Besides, who said they actually DO have a longer life span than others? Could it be that this life some are using as a model is filled with mucus, coughing and disease?

Smokers also contend that tobacco isn’t as harmful as other substances, suggesting essentially that they could be smoking worse things. So let me get this straight, now we’re choosing which substance is better than which? How about this: they’re all gonna eventually kill ya! And it won’t be pretty.

Don’t smokers just stink? Their clothes smell bad. Their cubicles smell bad. Their finger tips always smell bad. If you sit with one of them, you have to wash your hair afterward. On the bright side, they’re big consumers of gum and tooth paste so at least they control that bad breath they get from huffing and puffing.

Smokers are dirty people too. One cannot be perfectly clean and smoke at the same time. No matter how hard you try, little dust stuff flows through the air and finds its way on all sorts of things. Have you ever had to blow your nose at a smoker’s house? The smoky smell of the freaking Kleenex is enough to make you sneeze. And I’ve never met a smoker who can clean that stuff up as fast as he disperses it, although they all live under the illusion that they can (like pet owners). All the cigarette butts are thrown all over the place. These people dirty the street, buildings, bathroom etc. Their houses never smell fresh, no matter how hard they try (even when they smoke outside of the house). They’re quick to point out that other people aren’t as clean as they think they are but who cares? How does someone else’s problem fix yours? Worry about your own bad habit before distressing about others.

Every place I’ve worked at, smokers have by far taken more breaks than non smokers. If you add all the minutes they walk outside and back in, and the time it takes them to smoke (it’s usually longer if they have a ham paa), you’ll see that it adds up. I think it’s discrimination because if a non smoker left his desk for the same amount of time and just disappeared, people would notice. In addition, smokers take more days off work through illness than non-smokers and are more prone to common illnesses such as colds or sore throats.

Some fat smokers have told me they’re afraid of quitting because they’ll gain some weight. I guess they prefer to be fat smokers than just fat. I would think that a logical plan would be to get healthy by first quitting nicotine and then getting in shape. But what do I know.

For the most part, smokers are rude too. They are talabkar that they can’t smoke in public places! The non smoking majority didn’t want to get cancer by being exposed to the carcinogens smokers blow in the air, imagine the nerve these healthy people have! Parents didn’t want advertisements of this lethal drug in schools, at sporting events and at festivals, and the majority of smokers just didn’t get why. They dispose their phlegm on the street. They cough loudly in public. Sure, this doesn’t apply to all smokers, but I’m generalizing here.

There are a percentage of smokers who understand all the medical hazards and happily comply with all municipal codes regarding public smoking. This group is happy to oblige the rest of us and assert that smoking is bad. They’re apologetic. But since they continue to smoke, I can only conclude that they are lazy (don’t want to do the work to quit), that they don’t have will power and have generally given up and want to “accept” themselves the way they are. Hey, if slow suicide doesn’t bother you, then you probably belong in the bad bakht category described above.

Having said all this, I admit that smoking is cool. Where did you think my speech was going to lead? Yes, I used to smoke. Every once in a while, I still manage to sneak one past my lover’s very nosy nose. Nothing like tar and nicotine to give you a buzz first thing in the morning. Ahhhhhhhhh.

Humphrey Bogart smoked and he was very sexy. Bad boys smoke too, and who doesn’t love a bad boy? Many celebrities do it too and they’re trendsetters. I can’t explain it, maybe I’m a moron too, but smoking is just…cool.

There are so many varieties of cigarettes. They’re slender and light between the fingers. So fragile to the touch! You almost want to kiss them and take care of them. And when you ateesh one, you can relax and just look around. Take in the scenery, people watch or just drown yourself with your own thoughts, you know, plan out the day.

They taste great with coffee don’t they? And after a big meal, food or otherwise, they stick well. If you’re deep in conversation you can take the plastic wrapping off the package and try to put it back on again, without wrinkling it. It’s so much fun. I get excited just thinking about it.

When you sit with a bunch of other people and just talk and drink and debate and intellectualize (in black turtlenecks of course) and smoke, it’s just so darn lovely. And it gives you a chance to go back to the bathroom and fix your lipstick and chat with the girls and exchange make up tips.

That smell that comes out of a virgin pack when you first take the wrapping off…sweet Jesus help me.

But! Before I pick up the next cigarette, I must choose which one I’d rather get: Lung Cancer, Cancer of the mouth, the throat, the larynx, the esophagus, the bladder, the pancreas, Stomach cancer, kidney cancer, Liver cancer, Cancer of the penis (oh yes it exists), Cancer of the anus (yup, this one too), Cervical cancer, prostate cancer, Asthma, heart attack, coronary heart disease, cardiovascular disease, congestive heart failure, stroke, atherosclerosis, Abdominal aortic aneurysm, Peripheral artery disease , Stomach ulcers, Cataracts , gum disease, blood pressure problems Crohn’s disease, premature aging of the skin, loss of smell & taste, Osteoporosis, Gangrene, Leukemia, Angina, Emphysema, Chronic bronchitis, pneumonia, impotence (vay khak bar saram khoda nakone), reduced fertility etc As a woman I think choice number 11 is safe! Today is one of those days…I’m going to sneak one past him! It’s a beautiful life. Be salaamatieh Akhavan in DC.


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more from TheMrs

the way I want to go...:-)

by American Wife (not verified) on

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming,

“Woo hoo! What a ride!”

Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on

You sound like someone who put the wrong end of the cig in your mouth and lit the filter a few times.

You should relax; try changing brands. From Marlboro, to say, opium.


American Wife: Marlboro

by TheMrs on

American Wife:

Marlboro is one of those people who should definately continue to smoke.  The more, the better. Faster and sooner.

I don't consider myself self rightous. But facts are facts, you smoke, you increase your chances of getting cancer, you stink, you get bad teeth etc. I don't know why he's getting mad at me for repeating stuff that's readily available to the literate public.

And I'm not a medical expert. I said in the beginning that most of what I know is public knowledge.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I will take Marlboro's advice and go get a life. I have a brand new pack and I did well yesterday, I think I can sneak another one by my lovah.


Well, I guess I'll be the coolest old lady at the nursing home!



by American Wife (not verified) on

Instead you're just going to die a grumpy old man!  :-)

I think most everyone is taking it somewhat with a grain of salt.  Yes, the mrs is relaying a serious message and yes, I am definitely planning on quiting smoking myself (someday, someway, somehow), but I don't think she meant it as a lecture.  Dude, it was funny! 

Come on...lighten up!  Kaveh and Majid are having fun with it and Nazy is taking it straight up...

Be sarcastic... be witty... but don't be a grouch...:-)


I will get sick and die or

by Marlboro (not verified) on

I will get sick and die

or I will grow old and die

I will enjoy every moment until that day

I will drink, smoke, have sex when I can find it

Party and laugh

And when I die, I will go to heaven

and have some more fun with other fun (but dead) people

Just as I hate akhounds telling me

that I will go to hell

I hate self-righteous bloggers who tell me

I will die a slow and painful death

Intimidating others is a lot worse habit/sin

than smoking, drinking, or fornicating

I hate self-appointed health and medical experts

For as long as I live,

I have a life

My advice to you:

Get a life!

Kaveh Nouraee

Nursing Homes

by Kaveh Nouraee on

Old ladies in nursing homes all have blue hair and liver spots. The clothes match because they're all one piece gowns. And everyone wears the same underwear.....Depends.

They never "quietly" play bingo. The bingo caller has to have a microphone and a Marshall amplifier (turned all the way up to 11), so that the old ladies can hear the call. 

And the old ladies still say "speak up, I can't hear you". They get paper cuts from the bingo cards and hernias from lifting the bingo dabber, which has a semi-phallic shape.

And one of them will say, "I remember when my husband chased me around the bedroom with his 'bingo dabber'. Oh, bless his heart. He couldn't hold the ink in for more than 30 seconds though. And his dabber wasn't as big or as stiff as this one."


Anybody have a light?


A very wise woman once said:

by AnonymousTheMrs (not verified) on

Let me quote myslef:

" Alcoholics and pot heads have nothing to be proud of either. More parasites added to society if you ask me. "

And again:

" How does comparing them justify their individual cases? " them being different substances.


Smoking is a bad and harmful habit,mostly to the person , but

by Tahirih on

If you have ever seen a newborn who is going through alcohol withdrawal,and smelling like an old alcoholic instead of sweet newborn smell, you would not have be Little the harm of alcohol on the society.

It is not only the alcoholic who suffers, but his or her next generation, will suffer.

If you had to deal with a FAS child( fetal alcohol syndrome) or FAE ( fetal alcohol effected), you would have kissed the smoker beside you!

Alcohol consumption is especially harmful for child bearing age women , since by the time they realize they are pregnant, the harm is done to the developing fetus.

I am not saying it as a fanatic who does not drink, but as someone who has seen the effects of it.



To Majid

by AnonymousTheMrs (not verified) on

Yes sir I was LMAO when I wrote the comment. I was literally LOL. But the point was that I won't be in pain and I will be around to see my grand kids graduate university. While many smokers will be dead in their prime with pain and suffering. Sure, maybe I'll die early and painfully, but if I can at least eliminate some diseases...then I will! At the same time, I watch what I eat. I don't want to be fat and ugly and have a heart attack at 40 leaving 2 kids behind (has happened to my friend).
Check out the dennis leary link below. I do not want to be tracheotomy man! I will sit and laugh at him but i'll try to avoid a tube in my throat thank you very much.
Party Hardy (but say no to mavaad and stay in school)


Warning to smokers

by Huminist (not verified) on

I am an ex smoker and have quit smoking many years ago but I am still concerned about my health because of what I have seen.I am working with an ex smoker.Like me He quit smoking too many years ago,but he has developed lung cancer.He is taking chemotheraphy,but according to statistics the rate of recovery for lung cancer is between 1 to 2 percent.So if you are still smoking quit smoking before it is too late.


I can not wait!

by Majid on

"I ofcourse, will be sitting in a nice wheel chair in an air conditioned nursing home, quietly playing bingo with other old ladies and arguing from across the hall about politics and everything else. I'll have my hair curled up and all my clothes will match. :) "

GOD!! what a scene to look forward to!.........LOL

Bingo, Old ladies, Arguing about politics while all my clothes match!

Heaven is right around the corner!

Then....count me DEAD as we speak....LMAO 

ebi amirhosseini

Dear, I am guilty as charged...

by ebi amirhosseini on

"Smokers stink up the place and there’s no way to get rid of it. Why should the rest of us suffer? "????!!!!

I know it is a disease !(bar monkeresh la'nat),specially among we the "Machos".We say " I do" & regret it a lifetime,we smoke the first cigarrete & try quitting it a lifetime!!.

Unfortunately both of them kill us  Gaamaas Gaamaas!

No Way Out !.


Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on

Why is it that a blog can't go on for a whole day without someone coming along to ruin it by taking themselves soooooo seriously?


I love to smoke by dennis

by TheMrs on

I love to smoke by dennis leary




by Virginia Slims (not verified) on

Such a long-winded blog Mrs. Jolie-Pitt! Believe me, you could have saved your breath and said the same in 1 paragraph! Better yet, you could have smoked a few with that spare breath! Maybe then you would be happier because you could have hung out with all the cool people on the sidewalk who seem to be the motivation behind your post--if you can't join them, kill them with insulting and intimidating words way before the cigarettes do!

And while you look at how many seconds you are saving for your life each day, watch out for that Mak truck which might be running you over! For death is inevitable for all of us one way or another. Enjoy this day, be nicer, and live a better life.


Kaveh N: No I never

by TheMrs on

Kaveh N: No I never purchased such cigarettes. But I have smoked the occasional cigar, the thinner ones.

Majid et cie.

You might be laughing now. But the last 83 seconds could be watcing you grand kid taking his first steps. Instead, you'll be secreting shit out of every orifice, in unimaginable pain with tubes coming out of places you've never seen up close. And you'll be a burden to your family. And you'll watch them cry for you. And you'll think...God damn that cigarette! I ofcourse, will be sitting in a nice wheel chair in an air conditioned nursing home, quietly playing bingo with other old ladies and arguing from across the hall about politics and everything else. I'll have my hair curled up and all my clothes will match. :)


Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on

Yesterday I had two cigarettes and one drink...Total = 83 seconds.

Worth every bit of it...and then some.

I have a nice Craftsman tool set for the nursing home.

It includes a pair of "needle nose" pliers. And a sledgehammer in case any one tries to pull out my farts with anything larger.




Damn...and just when I was

by skatermom (not verified) on

Damn...and just when I was just about to pour myself a glass of Bordeaux and hide out in the backyard with a cigarette. Now I think I'll take the dog for a walk.



by Majid on

Yeah yeah yeah..............

Every cigarette costs you 29.5 seconds of your life, every drink, 24 seconds, one hour of gambling's excitement, 1-1/2 minutes, abnormal heart beat after a good sex, 2 minutes.......

Living like a SOOSK.....priceless!!!


P.S.   Add up all those seconds, minutes and you end up with......what? 2-1/2 years in a nursing home on a wheelchair where they use a pair of pliers to take the fart out your ass!

PARTY your life away and enjoy the hell out of it.....LOL




you guys smoke?

by IRANdokht on



how gross!





I want to smoke

by Honestt Hassan (not verified) on

Some of you lie (to your gf/bf), some cheat(on your wife/husband), some vote Republican,others litter. I smoke.
Harm myself? Sure.
Harm others? No!

What bothers me is the ban of smoking EVERYWHRE!
Why can't I smoke outside? Why can't I smoke in a restaurant, designated for smokers? Why is the State dictating me wheáther or not I can smoke?
Let 99% of restaurants be smoke-free. LEAVE ONE FOR US!

Just wait...they'll come after you too:
Your bugers? Gone!
Fatty food? History!
Certain books? Forget it!
Hours long, wondering among articles, making idiotic comments?

Be very afraid...


Kaveh jaan

by Majid on

You're welcom my friend.........LOL

I'm glad you liked it.

Kaveh Nouraee


by Kaveh Nouraee on

That was f***ing brilliant!!!



Proven in lab test

by Majid on

In a lab, they put 4 worms in 4 canister,

1 filled with alcohol, 1 filled with tobacco soaked water, 1 filled with earth, and last one filled with sperm.

After a week they checked on them, the one in alcohol was dead, the one in sperm was dead, the one in tobacco water was dead, the one in dirt survived !

The result of the test ? drink, smoke and have sex.....and you don't get worms! 

End of story! 

Kaveh Nouraee

Of Course Smoking Is Unhealthy

by Kaveh Nouraee on

But there has to be something said about the what was mentioned regarding France. They smoke, they drink, they consume fattier, richer foods, and do not suffer the ill effects as seen here. And this isn't just a French phenomenon. Other parts of Europe and the world at large are, I don,t want to say immune, but aren't as so profoundly affected by it. The known and speculated reasons are plenty, but I won't go into them here.

Have you ever purchased a pack aof cigarettes from one of those specialty tobacco shops? I'm not talking about head shops that sell bongs in the back room with the sign "for tobacco use only". I mean the high-end cigar shops.

I ask because for example, in the case of Marlboro cigarettes, there are those with packaging that say "for export". Marlboro Lights, )or Diet Marlboros as I like to call them) have a white filter, while the Diet Marlboros for export have a gold filter.

If I'm not mistaken, studies have shown that the chemical components of a U.S. market cigarette filter in fact contain a greater amount and concentration of pollutants an known carcinogens that the tobacco itself.

Don't take this to mean I'm advocating the idea that you light one up right now, although I must admit that I enjoy having one with an adult beverage or a meal.


Thanks for reading

by TheMrs on

Smoking is bad for you. End of story. Please refer to my blog about comparison of bad substances.

People should worry about their own problem before picking another one.

Last time I heard, no one got cancer from gambling. And casinos aren’t sold at every gas estation, super market and drug store. And California needs gambling. When Americans destroyed the native people, they should’ve thought about the eventual economic consequences too.  Native Americans have a right to make business. No one is forced to take a trip to a casino and force all 20 people sitting next to them to go on a ride as well. Worse comes to worse, a bookie will come looking for you, which isn’t really going to affect my lungs or stomach. Plenty of people ruin their families’ lives with all sorts of wrong things. What does it have to do with smoking?Besides, tons of things are bad in this world and wrong with this world. How does comparing them justify their individual cases? Alcoholics and pot heads have nothing to be proud of either. More parasites added to society if you ask me. But what kind of a logical justification is that? Oh forget about smoking because Alcohol is even worse! As for market fluctuations. Inja kharidar nadare faramarz jan. You know why? Economics is associated with everything.

The ice cream you had with your brother when you were discussing Iranian women and dating probably contained vegetable oil or margarine instead of butter. It’s cheaper to manufacture ice cream that way. And it probably had genetically modified substances made to imitate the workings of an antifreeze substance found in arctic fish. Of course, approved by the FDA although scientists are vehemently opposed to mass utilization of the stuff. But someone is making more money because you prefer Breyer’s and Ben & Jerry’s to organic ice cream from Gelson’s or Whole Foods. Or better yet, from independent ice cream makers. What does that have to do with the fact that too much chips will clog your arteries?

You can’t cater to both smokers and non smokers. Smokers stink up the place and there’s no way to get rid of it. Why should the rest of us suffer?

Majority rules and most people would like to avoid getting major illnesses if they can. And people have chosen by backing municipal codes that ban stink fests in public places.

Linear logic please.


thx..scared but

by samsam1111 on

I smoke a lot at work but needed this slap on the head to ring the bell. every time I get sick, I,m paranoid what if......gote quit...


Tobacco is not all that bad

by Faramarz_Fateh on

Americans need multiple people, causes, villans, nations, idealogies to hate at any one time.

Starting early 1970s, a campaign against cigarettes started which was eventually funded by companies making beer and other alcoholic beverages. Thats right, makers of one vice paid handsomely to villify tobacco so that their own product will be left alone.

Alcohol is just as bad a tobacco in terms of harmfulness. So is pot.

But if you light up a joint in a concert people clamour to inhale the second hand smoke whereas if someone lights a ciggie, he'll be thrown out of the concert hall.

What about gambling? We have Casinos coming out of our asses in S. Califorina. Anyone hear anything about casinos and gambling?

Hell no. We have a cause to hate and we've paid good money towards creating this monster.....why change the status quo.

Man should be left alone to do what he wants. Instead of all these bans on smoking, lets allow some establishments to cater to both smokers and non smokers....and let the people and the market decide what happens.


One of your very best works.

by American Wife (not verified) on

One of your very best works.


You are

by Daryush on

a naughty girl