As a little person, I have made my little peace with globalization and centralization and all the other “isms” and “tions”. In fact I now love all of them. What adorable, practical and artistic concepts! I have finally seen the light. I am now an enlightened creature of the world.
I am no longer watching my hairy-bleached navel in a permanent shoulder stand. All my personalities have become “centred” and I could easily make a few bob by guru-ing with the rest of you. No pills, no drinks, no drugs. Just religion. I am a pure born-again globalizationalist with no opiate within reach. Honest, and cross my heart and hope to take a trip to the moon as Zorro's wife!
When did this all happen? When was the big turning point in my life? When did I find myself, after all that chasing of my own broken bottom to no avail and occupy such dramatically important time in space?
It all happened when I indulged myself and my clothes, made out of wonderful oriental and Asian textile offers that even Saint Laurent would die for in his retirement. Apropos, what a scrumptious saint he has always been: didn't even have to pop it before being canonized. As you can see, I love everybody now. The windows of my soul have opened!
It all revolutionalized itself on that fate-hopeful day, inscribed on my short forehead. Tuesday 15th October 2002 at 15.12hrs, according to my credit card details in the chillilized world. That is precisely when I bought my iron. It's gorgeous. It's contours, it's colours, reminiscent of many a Damian Hirst cow or sheep cut in half. High Art, honey!
But it's its name that tickles the bits that even Heineken doesn't reach: Powerglide. It fits in so well with the rest of my eclectic “jahaz” (dowry): the fridge called Candy, the oven/stove named Brandt (German “verbrannt” means burnt; an omen?) and — sorry to show off so much — my washer AND dryer entitled Margherite, not to mention Henry the Dirtdevil Hoover! It all fits in beautifully.
So, more power to me! I'm beginning to really enjoy the primitive Darwinian world order, 'cause I have more reason too now! But it isn't just the iron itself, which I have been shelving as a masterpiece never to be used except on special occasions. I might fill it with Evian water one day for that extra special touch of depravity and decadence and spend a very steamy afternoon indeed.
And it's not just the Powerglide itself; it's the instruction booklet that comes with it. Wait for it. For Free! I can now, thanks to globalization move to anywhere in the world and receive this piece of complete and utter aesthetic delight with any iron I buy. It includes all sorts of paintings, mosaics, exotic characters which are sometimes mistaken for English or Mandarin.
See, I don't understand any Norwegian nor Swahili, but it looks pretty; unlike modern experimental art. The great advantage is that the instruction booklet as opposed to modern lets-watch-paint-dry-and-get-meaningful art, is filled with pretty Korean and Cyrillic characters and comes free with the iron. And it creates a community of Powerglides across continents and cultures.
This is called new, now-even-more-practical-forever-everywhere-userfriendly art. It's great! It's an inspiration! And it has instructive, educational pictures too! Just imagine all those beautiful buttons to press and oopsy Daisy things that happen! The booklet tells you all, in great honesty.
Ah, the sincerity of it is magnetic and magical! You can even turn it into a riveting cartoon by flicking the pages quickly. Maybe they will come up with a macrobiotic version soon and I can even eat and stuff myself healthily through the instructive, artistic pictures? The possibilities are endless.
Today, I might indulge myself and make an almost pretentiously meaningful film and turn off the music- no Wagnerian leitmotifs necessary ever again – and really feel each moment that I see and then follow the instructions in Arabic and press my iron's buttons.
Ehem. Such user-participating art is exhilarating, nay uplifting. Tomorrow, who knows what I will be able to do. Fly? There are no limitations. My iron has changed my life! It has given me spirit! It has fed my previously tethered soul!
Can't wait for my Powerglide to get suicidal next year and break down the day after the guarantee runs out and I can buy myself a new, improved, clone version full of new, free, goodies and share my moments with the rest of the Powerglide community across the globe! Have I already told you how in love with globalization I am?