Ok, let me start by saying that the other night was the first time I attended an Iranian concert (with the exception of Googoosh's) and the first time I walked out on any, halfway!
I bought the ticket to Arian's concert in Toronto based on the recommendation of my ex who used to brag that they are the best thing that had happened to Iranians since the invention of packaged Barbari in North American supermarkets. I should have known better than listening to an ex!! After all she is an ex! I was expecting an avant garde artistic expression from the deprived Iranian artists instead what I got was … well, read on!
First off, upon entering The Hummingbird centre, I paused for a moment wondering if this was a pop concert or a Verdi opera. I felt totally underdressed since all my fellow Iranians had apparently broken their piggy banks a couple of months too soon and started shopping for LEBAAS EID!!! I'd like to say they were dressed down to the nine but it looked more like the opening night of Men in Black III since 99.9% of them were dressed in black!!?
This was all amusing to me since I was expecting good music. My seat was center balcony, in other words, the best! So I made myself comfortable to see the stage but instead for the next half hour all I saw was heavy traffic. People kept running back and forth like a bunch of kids with a bad case of the runs.
At first I didn't get it but then it all started to come back to me, how could I forget? Gees I am so insensitive! Iranian girls treat any freaking tiny aisle as cat walk to show off themselves as well as their perfect nose jobs!!
After an half hour delay, which seemed very usual to everyone and torturing to me! Someone opened for the band by reciting what was supposed to be a literary piece but sounded more like an A.D.D. patient writing their diary.
From that point on it was like floating in a bad dream caused by too much KALE-PAACHE, between their suffocating outfit, their vain attempt to look hip and their overwhelming lameness. I honestly can't decide which one was worse, their nursery rhyme-type songs or their frozen yogurt voices.
I thought I was the only one who was having a near death experience with boredom but at one point one of the female members of the band was so out she was tracing figures on the stage with her toes during a song!!!! (Honest to God!!)
I have never been to a concert where the singers talk more than they sing. They just wouldn't shut up. The bullshit was so seriously long that half way through it they were lost for words and didn't know how to finish the damn sentence.
Just as I thought there are no more surprises in an Iranian concert they announced a 15-minute intermission!!! WAA! Who does that? You'd think it was cheap and unorganized version of Cirque du Soleil. That was it for me. For the first time, I actually calculated how many apple martinis I could have bought with the money I wasted on this. Eight apple martinis on the road to la la land, but instead….!
And that's when I made a couple of life changing decisions. The first one was to ditch the lame ass act ASAP.
And lately I've been thinking after years of being away from Iran I should go back for a visit but after experiencing what is called “the best act of the country” I think I'll wait, say another decade or so to rethink the notion.
But at least now I can honestly say: Thank you Arian, your music changed my life forever!!
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