She stands before me, the blonde highlights in her hair catching the chandelier's light. Her nose is small, slightly upturned and cosmetically straight. Her eyebrows arch gently like a crescent moon over her liquid chocolate eyes. She smiles with a “I will castrate you if you ask me to cook for you or try to take me from behind” look. There is a glint in her almond shaped eyes. Her skin is stained a powdery white, her cheeks blushing rouge, collagen enhanced lips, lined in black, life nourishing breasts, ample and full. A slender liposuctioned waist and wide child bearing hips…
The sweet sound of Gogoosh plays in the background… Man ahmadam, voy voy…
She starts to cook for her man:
Ingredients (6 servings)
— leg or shoulder of lamb or beef, 600 grams
— split peas, 50 grams
— dried limes, 4 (or 1/2 cup of fresh lime juice)
— medium onions, 3
— medium potatoes, 6
— cooking oil
— black pepper
— turmeric, 1 teaspoon
Peel and thinly slice onions. Fry in oil until slightly golden. Wash split peas and fry slightly with onions. Cut meat into small pieces, add to onions and split peas, and fry over medium heat until colour changes. Add salt, black pepper, and turmeric. Follow with six glasses of hot water and cook over low heat for about 30 minutes. The pot should be covered with a tight lid so that little steam escapes during cooking. Add crushed dried limes or lime juice. Wash and peel potatoes and add in as well. Cook over low heat with the pot again tightly covered for another 30 minutes. If necessary, add more hot water during cooking.
He leaves his council flat and gets into his car. He drives towards her house in Kensington, a 100 mph in his fully loaded BMW, with bucket leather seats. As he drives along the Kings Road, he slows down so that all the beautiful women have a chance to look at him and his thick jet black hair dripping with copious amounts of gel. While his Gucci shades shield his dark eyes from the winter grey sky. He breathes in deeply, the soft top of his car down, while the heating keeps him warm.
His stereo blasts out Andy's greatest hits… Dokhtar Irooni mesleh goleh…
His Old Spice wafting through the air, he beeps at every under-age blonde who strolls by. They smile at him. He knows they all want him. He imagines them running their hands through the Persian rug on his chest. Suddenly the most beautiful woman he has seen walks by, he whistles at her, blows her kisses and gives her a regal wave, “Tu shab kojaiee?” (Where are you going tonight?) he shouts. She turns around and gives him a look of disgust and contempt. He looks at her puzzled and confused: how could she not find his advances endearing and charming. Then he realises why. He shakes his head wearily: obviously she's a lesbian.
He carries on driving and he stops off to pick up some Persian cakes to give to his love…
Ingredients: (4 servings)
— rice, 500 grams
— sugar, 1 kg
— cooking oil
— saffron, 1/2 teaspoon
— rosewater, 1/2 cup
— pistachio, crushed
— almond, crushed
— cinnamon, one teaspoon
Wash rice a few times until the water is clear, then drain. Add six times water and bring to a boil, removing the foam. When rice softens completely, add sugar and stir well. Dissolve saffron in half a cup of hot water and add to the mix. Heat up oil and also add to the mix. Add in most of the almonds and the rosewater. Stir well and cover. Cook in oven at low temperature for half an hour. Serve with pistachio, almond and cinnamon sprinkled on top.
He arrives at her door, cakes in hand. He is greeted by her lips and the smell of Ob Goosht.
Asgar clenched the bread tightly in his hairy masculine hands. He gently caressed his plate and scooped up the last remaining morsels of Ob Goosht into his mouth. He stared deeply into Maryam's eyes: truly this was a woman he could marry. His grandmother would be pleased. She had broad child bearing hips and an ample bosom. He could loose himself in her eyes for hours. He wondered what she was thinking. She had a coy smile on her lips and her left eye twitched ever so slightly.
“When is he going to propose? I am not getting any younger, I'm already twenty-two. All my friends have boyfriends that take them out to nice places like Tramps and Paparazzi Lounge and I'm stuck here cooking. The least he could do is marry me!” Maryam thought to herself, until her thoughts were drowned out by a cacophony of matriarchal voices.
Asgar decided that she was probably thinking about how handsome he was and how much she wanted him. He undid his belt and the top button of his trousers and belched appreciatively. He decided that this was as a good a time as any to broach the subject.
“So…” in his deepest sexist voice he whispered, “… azizam, I vant to ask you somting… Do you love me?”
Suddenly Maryam had been woken from a stupor:”Of course I love you azizam! Vahy do you ask?”
Maybe this was the moment she had been waiting for, all the cooking had paid off!
“Azizam I tink it is time vee make love. I vant to show you how much you mean to me,” Asgar's words started to grate on her nerves, “Vat do u mean, make love? vat kind of girl do u tink I am?” Maryam screamed!
Asgar was starting to get equally angry: “So you don't love me den. My Polish girlfriend was never like this, she loved me and she know how to show me!”
Maryam's blood was starting to boil. How dare he bring up his ex-girlfriend. She hated her, in fact she hated all Polish girls! It was an evil Polish girl that had seduced her sweet innocent father and caused him to cheat on her mother. She started to cry, her tears milky white as the foundation started to run down her face. Her eyes encased in black mud.
Asgar started to feel bad, “Don't cry azizam, I shouldn't have said dat, but it is difficult for me. I love you so much and I have needs… Men need to do it…”
Maryam stopped crying and looked at Asgar, “Will you still respect me? Do you promise not to tell anyone?”
“I will always respect you azizam, I promise I von't tell me friends…” Asgar said in his sweetest voice.
He wasn't lying to her, he wouldn't tell his friends that they had slept together — he had already told them they had after their first date.
He looked at her, his eyes full of desire… one day she would give him beautiful babies. Her nose was so straight and perfect it would cancel out his own large curved nose. It really was his favourite part of her, such a beautiful nose…