First of all, let me clarify something: when I call someone a “loser”, I mean a man (or a woman) who has missed a great opportunity and may lose it again based on a specific attitude. I try to stay away from that harsh North American meaning of “loser” which means a loner who has not been and will never be real happy. Someone who is not able to love or being loved deeply, etc.! Well, precisely, when a guy I am interested in doesn't try to get to know me and enjoy a relationship with me, of course is a total loser, since I am great! (Got the humor?).
I may have missed some opportunities myself. Especially growing up in Iran, I definitely missed a couple of beautiful intimacies I could have had at the best time of my life. Not because of the religious government, as it was quite possible to manage that! But through my mind set and a mixture of guilt and pride issues! Yes, I could have had a good time and nice memories, but no big harm done, I've made up for them already (“honesty” will kill me one day!)!
When I was going through a tough time regarding the guy who didn't try to know me, a friend suggested that I read “He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys” book. After my article about him in Iranian.com “Zood baash digeh!“, I got a few emails and funny enough, a couple of ladies kindly suggested the same book and talked about similar experiences they had had.
Guys, however, had a different approach, one, who I believe is very similar to “my story guy” (perhaps mid-age, short and balding as well, and still cute J!) tried to insult me and called me a taxi with no license who a “MAN”, perhaps like him(define the man here!) gets free ride and when he finds his “train” (I think he is talking about a young, beautiful girl who is going to marry him and live happily ever after, and bear his children and has a body for sin and a head for science/business and walks naked at home, and never say no to whatever he says or want…), he will be paying for the train ticket and will be committed and treat her well. Sorry Mister, but that train may leave with other passengers! (I am not angry, just realistic handsome!)
Other guys suggested that life's too short: I have to jump on him or dump him. (Nasty, smiley face here with no comment!)
I actually read the book and it was like a mirror to see myself in it and laugh! An educated, successful, and beautiful woman who is ridiculously falling for a “loser” and suffering — for what? He is not calling her, or treating her well? What the heck? I stepped back and saw myself as a third person and it was such an amazing view.
Still, I am just a simple woman who loves to be treated nice and be pampered from time to time. But for God's sake, as a woman, grown up in that environment, I've come a long way and should have learned one or two things during my journey! Finding excuses for the guy — thinking that he may have been abused, or hurt badly before, or he may be shy — is what all women ordinarily do. They even feel sorry for him in case he has some physical issues (you know what I mean). But these are all lame excuses. The same loser, when he sees a sluty girl who doesn't really respect him, and treats him like dirt, changes his attitude! Suddenly Mr. Afsordeh behaves like “Assdollah Mirza”! Boy, it IS funny, isn't it?
I know now, that no excuses are acceptable and that he is just not that into me! He will get what he deserves: a girl, a family a lonely life or a cyberspace relationship. I don't care! The most important lesson for me was that if it's not supposed to happen and serendipity doesn't help. I have to move on with no hard feelings! It's just not meant to be, right? Wrong! I am just paying for my same attitude (what goes around, comes around! Remember?).
I have only one question: In a nutshell, the book says, if the guy is NOT “killing” himself for a woman, let him go and move on to the next one! In each situation, using examples, it's trying to turn a grey area to a black and white. All in all it asks women to move on (I think the writers are paid by guys who want to get rid of their nagging women!). If as a woman you are waiting for his call and he doesn't call, he is not that into you. Forget about him. If he doesn't try to find you and make extra efforts to catch you, don't make excuses for him: he is just not that into you. Don't keep your hopes up and just move on to the next one.
Question: Is it really that simple? It it worth making an effort to build a relationship, or do you think that in the era of globalization there is no time to waste? Is it worth the heartache? I have no answer.
I know it didn't work for me. And I am not talking about a guy I liked, I am talking about the guys who liked me! I even tried hard to be nice and force myself to choose one and go further, but it didn't work.
On the other hand, I talked about the book with a couple of guy friends (younger, in their twenties) and they mentioned that they are shy and/or not confident enough to approach girls after the first or second time. They hoped that the girls they dated don' know about the book!
It sounds like there is no right answer. Here is what I do: Just go with the flow and laugh at myself if I can! That's what I learned to do and hey, life can be funny!