Episode 5: Behta
Hajiagha: I’m glad you agreed to stay in and have pizza. I was getting tired of fancy restaurants. Some of these waiters and waitresses give me the looks. Not to mention it was getting expensive.
Behta: I’m glad too. Change is good. I’m half artist from my mother’s side and I don’t mind the smell of paint and acrylic and turpentine. It is kind of romantic and actually it’s turning me on.
Hajiagha: Me too. Give me a kiss. With or without tongue? I have bad experience so I need to know for sure.
Behta: Tongue is ok. Turpentine smell is making me dizzy.
Hajiagha: boooseeee-shlaammm–zzsssszz-mmmmmm
Behta: Ooh I’m getting hot and dizzy, let me take my clothes off.
Hajiagha: Oh goody! (gets fully nude in 9 seconds)
Behta: Just a minute. Women take a bit longer to undress.
Hajiagha: Ok let me touch while you undress.
Behta: WAIT A MINUTE! Wait a god damn minute! You just stained my nice blue skirt!
Hajiagha: Sorry. Eh. Uh. Sorry. Eh … Canada … eh… uh… JJ…. I’m sorry I need Viagra.
Behta: Viagra chiyeh? Baz ghatee kardi? This is called premature ejaculation. Forrest Gump lasted longer than you.
Hajiagha: Is there a pill for this? I can get pills cheap. Children young as 13 are selling them to old Americans coming across the border.
Behta: There are no pills for this. You need to masturbate couple of times before you see me half-naked next time.
Hajiagha: I don’t master bait.
Behta: Wait then. Hold your horses.
Hajiagha: Ok. Yes. I’ll wait. Leave your garter belts on.
Behta: Engliseat khoob shod-e. What is this about garter belts? These don’t have garter belts.
Hajiagha: mmmmmm-oooohhh
Behta: WAIT A MINUTE! Baba in che vazi-yeh? Again?
Hajiagha: Sorry I don’t know what is happening. I’ll go get a shower.
Behta: Boyfriend-e ma bawsh. Damanamo lak-ke dar kardi.
Hajiagha: I’ll be right back. You can get dressed.
A bit later.
Behta: Haji you have to pay for dry cleaning. I am not Monica Lewinsky. I can’t give away my stained blue skirt to National Archives.
Hajiagha: When can I come for Khastegaree?
Behta: Khategaree chiyeh? I am 41 years old.
Hajiagha: I am old fashioned. I must go for khastegaree and your parents must be there and you serve tea with fancy teaspoons.
Behta: Man cliché shekanam. I don’t serve tea.
Hajiagha: Man sheele peele nadaram. You don’t need ghand shekan, sugar is ok.
Behta: Sheele peele chiyeh? Ghand shekan koja bood? Cliché.
Hajiagha: What?
Behta: It means sonnat, rasm-o rosoom.
Hajiagha: So mesl-e bacheye adam say tradition. Are you going to catch honnagh if you bring a teaspoon? Bring stirrers, sag khord.
Behta: Maybe I let my mother serve the tea.
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Later that week.
Hajiagha: Hello maam.
Behta’s mother: Hello javoon. Come on in.
Behta: Hello Hajiagha have a seat.
Hajiagha: Thank you. Can I have some tea, if it is not too much trouble?
Behta: Mom can you bring some tea?
Hajiagha: Ey baba, khanoon shoma chera? I’ll do it myself.
Behta: That’s ok my Mom will do it.
Hajiagha: Please don’t forget teaspoons.
Behta’s mother offering tea in a tray.
Hajiagha: AKKKKHHHHH!! SOOKHTAM! I burned!!!
Behta’s mother: Sorry naneh, this tray is heavy and Behta said to put tea in coffee mugs instead of estekan to be cliché shekan. I don’t know what it means but the tray got heavy.
Hajiagha: nakhasteam chai. Che bad bakhtee dareem. In be lebas-e abiyeh shoma dar.
Behta’s mother: what blue dress?
Behta: never mind Mom.
Hajiagha: So can I ask your daughter’s hand in marriage?
Behta’s mother: Well nanne ….
Behta: It’s ok Mom I’ll answer Haji. Hajiagha I am willing to live with you and see how it goes. After that I have to think about it.
Hajiagha: So you come live in my apartment?
Behta: Actually no. You have to get a new place. I have a lot of clothes and accessories. You have to move everything and if things doesn’t work out you have to move them back.
Hajiagha: You don’t seem to want to make me happy and that is important. You seem to be interested only in your happiness.
Behta: I knew it. Us Iranians are always like this. Never ready to understand a high maintenance woman. I miss my half German, half French, half Persian x-boyfriend.
