T’is the season apparently, for giving free advice to the candidates, as the race narrows it’s focus on Pennsylvania Ave. and the ultimate crowning achievement in an American life. As Iranians, we of course have an opinion (albeit weakly relevant) on all of this, and many of us have taken to writing “Open Letters” to the candidates. So here goes mine;
Dear [Insert winner name here];
Congratulations on winning the most coveted prize the US has to offer any individual even remotely interested in the competitive arts.
To be truthful you have won nothing more than a national popularity and beauty contest, merged with the corporate dominated media’s obsession with demographic statistics and predicting their buying behaviors, and manipulating them towards picking the most likely winner.
So to give you the dose of honest truth you will end up finding out by the end of your first term, and the reason why you always end up looking 20 years older than when you started out, is this;
- 2 out 3 people in the US do not actually care about politics
- You are only slightly more popular than your opponent
- You are only slightly more likable than your opponent
- You are the least damaging candidate
- You are not the best most qualified person for the job
So, since I don’t want to piss in your cornflakes any more than this, and I am only supposed to suggest a simple clean Iran strategy that you can actually grasp, here’s what you need to know about Iran;
Where is Iran?
Iran is actually located between Iraq (and a hard place!) and Afghanistan. Right, that means you have in effect been militarily surrounding your country’s biggest problem for the past 5 years. Yes, it has been ineffective. No really, we’ve also been asking the same why questions, just like you are likely doing now.
Should the US invade Iran?
No, No, No, you should not invade Iran. Not because Iran does not deserve it, of course they do, but the reason you shouldn’t invade Iran is partially because you actually don’t have the right kind of army for that anymore. You see you have a normal retro-WWII era army. Complete with retarded out-dated and obsoletely ridiculous military tradition, pomp and academy-driven circumstance. Think the British Red-Coats, and the Colonists. You’ve become the Red-Coats. As then, your army is not a hard target to hit. This is especially difficult when you have absolutely no idea who is shooting at you. No, size does not matter here either.
Should you pull out of the Middle East?
Not exactly. You should first replace the National Guard with real soldiers. The kind that do not fill out paperwork properly and can get the baddest bad guys without explanations and without accidentally killing each other or the civilians. You see war has no rules. Trying to run a war with rules results in the people who created Guantanamo, using Guantanamo Lawyers, to defend torture by the soldiers at Guantanamo, that was leaked to the press by other soldiers at Guantanamo, in front of a Guantanamo Judge, whose finger is on a 20 second delay of the closed circuit coverage of the case shown to the Press to prove they are being fair. I know.
Next, you should replace the government of Iraq and Afghanistan with an accountable, responsible, fair but tough American Governor. Just like you did the last time you occupied a country, after WWII with Japan and Germany. You see after all the damage done to them over the decades, these are essentially rescue pets. I call them pets because America loves it’s pets, and that is actually a higher designation of worth than you have traditionally assigned the people in Iraq and Afghanistan. More importantly they are pets you sold to their abusive former owners. So you are kind of responsible for their rehabilitation.
You are going to have to teach them, by example, over an invested long-term slowly decreasing controlled occupation, just how they could behave. Kind of a new twist on “Be All You Can Be”. Just like Japan and Germany. Clearly, today they don’t have a clue, and just like the rape victims they are, they have shown repeated sympathy towards the rapists. Maleki and Karzai = Patty Hearst. Full of potential once, but now ultimately clueless.
How should I deal with Iran?
Simple. Just call them on their bullshit. Nothing hurts an Iranian more than public humiliation at having been found out they are a complete liar. The bottom-line in all of this is that you cannot run a modern 21st century country using a beautifully written (and vague) 9th century poem, that is based on correcting the ambiguities from the Bible’s plagiarized positions taken from the other faith-books around. Start with that one.
Don’t deal with the President of Iran.
Like you, he’s not the best guy to run the country. Unlike you though, he was not actually freely elected from all of the Iranians who wanted to be President. He is more like appointed by the 13 ruling clerics that really run Iran. Then they shame the Iranian people into voting and selecting one of the 2 crappy pre-selected choices they are given. If it looks iffy, the Supreeme Leader comes out in favor of the one he really ikes. IN this case his former Chauffeur.
You see what happens in Iran is that these 13 old men, publicly set conveniently unaccountable vague moral directions of the country publicly, then when the doors are closed get down and dirty. So you actually want to be dealing with them, although expect them to dodge you, which will embarrass them and it will look like they don’t want to negotiate and that will take the pressure off you trying to sell it here. But keep pressure on meeting with only them, because they are kind of like the Jedi Council. They send their versions of Obi-Wan and Anakin to do their real “unofficial” bidding. Except in this case both Obi-Wan and Anakin are already on the Dark Side, and the entire council is actually run by Siths pretending to be Jedi. Actually, you should make George Lucas Secretary of State, because he’s the only one in the US who understands any of this, although he may refuse the post because he would then have to admit where he got the idea for Star Wars from (ref: See Shah-Wars).
Should I maintain the embargo?
Absolutely not. Reverse it in full speed. The one weakness Iranians have is for American goods. And by that I do not mean military goods, keep that away from them, they tend to hurt themselves. But by all means send them all the useless Chinese-made American crap you want. Actually send them the WalMart ground team. They can take over in a couple of weeks. The concept of a friendly customer service greeting at the door alone, will make the minds of Iranians explode. Think Crack to a Crack addict. Once hooked, try to take away an Iranian’s Britney CD and PopTarts, and you’d see a revolution faster than the doors opening at an after Xmas sale. Give the US Military something harmlessly fun to do, like they get to call it Operation “Sand Santa” as their last in the grand tradition of using demeaning racist terms for mid-east operations.
What Should I do about the Nuclear issue?
Ask Iran why it feels that it needs Nuclear power for “energy purposes”, when it is sitting on a 500-700 year supply of natural gas which is safer, cleaner, more efficient, and environmentally friendlier than developing nuclear technology for “energy purposes”. At a minimum, Iran could wait say 450 years from now and then look at what advances in alternative energy have been developed and 50-250 years before it runs out of Natural gas, could invest in the best alternatives for “energy purposes” then. I mean why buy “energy purposes” when it literally seeps out of the earth? I’d like to hear the answer myself.
What should I do about Osama and Al Quaida?
I know this might seem strange, but this isn’t actually an Iranian issue. I know, it sounds totally weird. But what I would suggest is first, learn your Qoranic history. Osama is the historic name of Mohammad’s right hand military general whose mission it was to free Mecca from the corrupt Meccans who had let the holiest place in Islam go to ruin, including selling franchises to idol worshipping lesser religions who wanted to place their idols near the grave of Abraham in the town center. So you see, Osama Bin Laden kind of plays that whole history-repeating-itself angle, and yes, it has been quite an effective recruiting pitch. Because he is blaming the current corruption of the “Meccans” (the Saudis) on the US and their support for a dictatorship. And yes, I said Abraham. That big black box in the center of that big square in Mecca is not Mohammad’s grave as Oreilly and Hannity and Limbaugh might suggest, that is actually Abraham’s grave. Right, the same Abraham who is the father of all religions including Christianity. Yes the father of the Judasim too. No, the irony is not entirely lost on some of us.
So, in some minds, with Osama, you are essentially dealing with a new age branded Islamic Robin Hood, and his band of merry henchmen. And you are pretty much playing the role of the Sheriff of Nut-tingham in this horror film. There is no Maid Marianne, so forget that approach. I honestly don’t know what you should do on this one dude, the CIA and Senator Wilson created him in the 80’s to deal with the Soviets, so it’s pretty much your problem now. I’ll just say this, if the “Analysts” tell you they can’t find him between the mere square miles of Pakistan/Afghanistan that everyone says he is in, with all the thousands of military satellites they have pointed at my nuts all day, maybe someone isn’t really telling you the truth. All I know is that after 5 years, you could have had the Boy Scouts hike and survey every ravine and canyon in Tora Bora by now, and little 7 year-old bespectacled Jeffrey Johnson, the Tenderfoot from the suburbs of Des Moines, with his Mom toting his asthma inhaler and diabetes kit, would have kicked over the tunnel door by now.
So Good Luck! Let me know if I can be of any more help.
