I am just back from my painful trip (every year, I go through this painful ritual of taking my confuse,80 yr old mother who can not read a word of English or Farsi to this metropolitan city to go to Iran though London).
I have cried so much that my eyelids hurt, My body and soul hurts so much. You may ask what does this has to do with love?
well it all started with love,falling in love with a young man who was outside my culture and religion. A forbidden, and earthly love, a love that I knew would require much sacrifice . little I knew it was not the end and sacrifice was more than I have imagined. Just stay with me I tell you why!
Through marrying him, I was introduced to this eternal love, this love that overwhelmed me, a love that I saw in my dreams when I was only 15yrs old, a love that I gave it all up for Him.
Trust me, I tried to ignore it, I denied it’s existence, I thought it will go away. As much as I resisted, it became apparent to me that I have no choice, except to just surrender.
OH, surrender I did! and with it, I lost it all, I lost being with my family, my childhood friends, my father’s last days, and all I had in the past. My memories even are gone, I can not remember my past much. may be it is a gift, I am not sure, but my past memories are very foggy.
So as I sat there in that big airport watching them taking my old mother away sitting on a wheelchair, I wept, and wept . My tears are not just for missing her, but for the longing that I have to see my siblings after being away for 24 yrs,also for the fact that I am being denied basic human right in my birth place.
She goes in, I can not see her from where I am sitting, the lady who took her in, comes back, tells me she is fine and so please do not cry! apparently she is sensing that I am unusually upset. If she knew, she might have cried with me, or for me!
My heart is broken again, in another yearly ritual of pain and love.
Then I remember my love, this warm feeling of calm takes over me. I am sad but calm, in my imagination I prepare a tray of white lilies and put all my tears, all my sadness, all that I lost for him, plus my broken bleeding heart and offer it to Him. May this be a small token of my love for him. A small sacrifice for peace on Earth.
گر تیغ بارد در کوئ ان ماه۰۰گردن نهاده ام الحکم والله
Tahirih
