Dear Supreme Leader,
Thanks for your kind offer. It is indeed an interesting proposition, however after careful consideration over the past 30 years, we must politely decline.
Thanks again, I am sure that you and your staff have spent countless years working and refining the details of your proposal. Your presentation has been impressive to say the least!
It would be unfair to merely reject your offer without explaining why, and I know that if I were in your shoes, I would at least like to know why I did not get the job. So please consider the following analysis of your proposal as constructive, not an outright rejection of your entire philosophy.
Point 1: Un-questionable Governance through an Unelected and Unaccountable Guardian Council
OK, see, right there, that’s going to be a bit of a big problem for us. Not that it isn’t a good idea if say we were living in the Dark Ages or during a plague. But our staff is currently used to a bit of a more state of the art governance system. The scientific term for it is “Democracy”, but most of us loosely call it “Freedom”.
Additionally, your idea that putting all the decision-making into the arthritic hands of 16 (or so) older generation, internet-illiterate Iranians, is going to be a bit problematic for us. Given that these folks have just one specialty, namely interpreting the romantic poem that is the Ghor-aan, cannot possible help us deal with far more complex things like the international banking system and managing foreign commodity markets, and exchange rates, not to mention, the whole modern inter-country telecommunications system, as well as other social-sciences that our country expected to see in your original bid.
Point 2: Sexual discrimination of female employees
See, that is again, going to be a problem for us. There are 2 primary reasons why this approach will not work for our organization;
1- Asking women in the current day and age, to “cover up” because men should not have to be trusted to control their behavior, isn’t efficient. Recent (for you) world research over the past 500 years has shown that if you merely institute a law that is based on the principal of personal responsibility, you don’t actually need to invoke any kind of expensive and hard to manage”moral code”. So it’s more economical in the end, to expect men to simply behave in a civilized and proper manner based on respect for the opposite sex and de-objectifying women, rather than putting all women under the fear that at any moment if their head scarf slips, they risk being gang-raped by 50 waiting men, who “simply cannot resist the spell that a woman’s beauty casts”.
2- You specifically cannot oppress the women on our staff. They are from the finest stock, a breed known for being independent, and worse for your strategy, defiant. To the death. We admit that this is a bit of an ongoing internal problem, but so far we have not been able to find any way to address this issue internally. If you have any other ideas, please feel free to send them in. Please send it attention: “Department of Taming of the Iranian Shrew”
Point 3: Electing a Powerless President
We have discussed this intriguing idea internally, but we still don’t quite understand what this position will be responsible for.? As far as we can tell, it is a more of a counter-intelligent, subterfuge creating Public-Relations position. Which don’t get us wrong, is a brilliant idea, except for the public posting of the support documents that you attached to your proposal, (SEE Iran’s 1989 Constitution_v.2.0.sux), which clearly shows that the president does not have the necessary signature authority to implement his ideas. Although we realize and understand that as a competitive strategy for dealing with US Inc., and given that the US might actually fall for it, and occasionally consider the Iranian President as a viable spokesperson for an entire people, we feel that this strategy could result in US Inc. to attempt a “Leveraged Buy Out” of Iran which unfortunately is not part of our current “Restore and Regain Respect” campaign. We have our greater global reputation to consider, and this single-pronged marketing strategy will simply not work within our current promotional direction.
Note: Attached Documentation Inconsistency:
Your initial proposal was originally accompanied by the supporting document entitled “The 1989 Constitution of Iran” (SEE Iran’s 1979 Constitution_v.1.0.sux), however as a result of the evaluation of your proposal by our staff, it has come to our attention that specific details of the original 1979 document have now somehow been altered, changed, or deleted, and as such the 1979 version is quite different than the 1989 attachment in which you appear to have given yourself a rather significant raise and higher job title.
We wanted to bring this to your attention in case it was the result of an internal prank or joke by your staff, and sent to us mistake. Please verify which document is current so we can clear up any confusion.
Finally, although we all admit that initially during our hostile take-over and subsequent acquisition by Eslam Inc. in 1979, there was a short window of opportunity for your services during the transition period. But we have since checked, and none of us can now recall ever discussing and deciding to send you an RFQ (Request for Quotation). So there is some question now as to how you determined that we ever needed your services to begin-with, and why you thought we would ever be interested in such a proposal?
So, thanks again for your offer, but please cancel our subscription.
With the current state of the economy and our adjusting moral code, we cannot afford the “significant investment” required at this time. Should there be any change in our plans, or if there is a God forbid, plague, or other act of a supreme being, that finally proves his existence by his own hand, and/or if we are unexplainably thrust back in time to the Dark Ages, while simultaneously losing our current level of social intellect and power of reason, we will not hesitate to contact you and your team, and will more-carefully reconsider your proposal at that time.
Thanks and Very Sincerely,
Your Peeps
