Pleasant News

Disclaimer:  The story you are about to read is fictitious.  Any similarities to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei will have a massive brain aneurism tomorrow morning.  It will be cause by rapid spread of his lung cancer to his brain.  His personal doctor will immediately start administering life saving medical procedures to save his life, and he will be immediately transferred to a predetermined hospital, yet not will be named for security reasons, via a helicopter on a 24-hour standby.  During his transfer, the Supreme Leader will begin to bleed from his ears and nose, an indication that his death is eminent.

Hossein Shariatmadari, a close confidant of Iran’s Supreme Leader and the Managing Editor of Kayhan Newspaper, will be notified immediately, and he will be dispatched to the hospital, whereupon his arrival he will be told that the chances of the Supreme Leader’s survival, pass a couple of hours, is null.  He will be told that several blood vessels in his brain have burst and no amount of blood transfusion or surgery will save his life.  Shariatmadari will shout at the top his lungs at the people in charge to notify all the commanding officers of all branches of military services, including Basij and plain-clothes security agents, but he will be told that all have been notified already and every armed personnel will have been put on full alert.
Hossein Shariatmadari, after his visit to the hospital, will rush back to his Kayhan office to write lies about the events of the day, and while he will be in the press room his long sleeve shirt will be caught in the machinery; it will drag him in and will tear him to shreds.  This will of course be the official version, but in reality we will never know who will have killed him.   A few minutes before noon tomorrow the Supreme Leader will die, and the news of his death will spread like a wild fire around the country.  Jubilant masses will pour into the streets of many cities.  There will be no immediate news announcement broadcasted from seda va sima.  In the hospital there will be a heated debate among the top men of the IRI regime about how to handle his death.  Some will go as far as suggesting preserving his body in a refrigerator for a few days till the chaos in the streets are under control, this will be to the objections of others who will call for his immediate burial.  By 6:00 PM tomorrow night the news of his death is broadcasted via Internet throughout the country.  A picture of him and his bloody face that will be captured from a surveillance camera in the hospital will be leaked to the outside world.  Internet, cell phone system, and entire telecommunication system will be shut down.  But this is not before the picture will be circulated by emails, whereupon hard copies of it will begin to circulate among the people.
By 10:00 PM, many streets will be blocked by the people.  The sound of gun shot will be heard throughout the night.  Many people will die.  Division among the IRI elite will grow by leaps and bound.  Ahmadinejad will be arrested, by the Army of the Guardians of the Islamic Revolution’s Chief Commander, Mohammed Ali Jafari, for having cheated in the last Presidential Election.  At around 6:00 AM the following day, the commander will be shot dead by an unknown assailant in front of his office.  The rise in unrest will be steady.  Hashemi Rafsanjani will be approached to remedy the situation; otherwise he will be warned that the Army of the Guardians of the Islamic Revolution will take over all functions of the government.  Rafsanjani will immediately summon the heads of Green Movement and will plead with them to take over the government for the sake of the country.  Mir-Hossein Mousavi accepts the offer under several conditions, which will immediately be granted.

All military forces will retrieve to their barracks, all political prisoners will be released, all planned executions will be halted till further reviews, persons involved with killings, torture, and rape of innocent people will be send to prisons.  The capital will immediately relocate to Esfahan, causing Tehran population to drop drastically and air quality will improve immediately.  Country’s unsafe roadways will improve drastically to a point where the current car accident casualties will drop by 90% below its current number.  A two-body legislative system will be established again where all minorities will have equal rights in determining their future.  Kurdish and other unhappy ethnicities in Iran will immediately renounce violence and will begin to work towards resolving all outstanding differences by peaceful negotiations.  A new earthquake study will indicate that the possibility of a Major Earthquake Even has been deemed to be unlikely to occur within the next ten years, whereupon the government will immediately reallocate its support of terrorism budget towards improving building seismic safety and other disaster preparedness measures.  Iran will steadily climb up the World Happiness Chart.  Most importantly freedom of attire will be declared upon the land, and soon a great number of men will walk the streets wearing nothing but Speedos, and women in their bikinis; and the amazing thing will be that no one will give a damn.
I know, I know…  Green Movement is blah blah blah…  Mousavi is blah blah blah…  Rafsanjani is blah blah…  I know, I know, but the thing is; I was eating Chinese food for lunch today and my Fortune Cookie said “Soon, you will receive pleasant news.”

Meet Iranian Singles

Iranian Singles

Recipient Of The Serena Shim Award

Serena Shim Award
Meet your Persian Love Today!
Meet your Persian Love Today!