This is an open letter to the people who’ve pissed me off so far this week. And it’s only Wednesday. Here we go….
Dear Verizon: When I called and asked you to ADD a text messaging plan to my cell phone, I was not in fact asking you to CANCEL my text messaging capabilities. Yet you did just that. WTF?
Dear Guy Who Works at the FedEx Store: When I tell you that I want to FedEx a CD, and I ask you for a padded envelope, I am NOT asking you to point me towards the brown padded envelopes at the front of the store that you have to pay for, I’m asking you to give me a FedEx padded envelope that’s free. Do not, I repeat, NOT, try to take me for a ride. Capisce?
Dear Kaiser Permanente: A $75 co-payment for an office visit, when I already pay you $350 a month for my insurance? And $55 more for an x-ray? Really? I’m so thrilled that your CEO is lining his pockets with my misfortune. And while we’re at it, let me just add that I have always enjoyed our endless phone calls, wherein every Member Services Rep I speak to gives me different answers to the exact same question.
Dear Downtown San Francisco: Why is all the downtown parking loading zone only? How am I supposed to go and have my unpleasant encounter with the Guy Who Works at the FedEx Store when I can’t even park my car?
Dear Limousine Liberals: I know, you care about the world. You really do. You listen to NPR, you donate money to natural disaster victims, and once in a blue moon, you even consider trading in your Lexus for a Prius. But guess what? Just because you once haggled with a rug merchant at the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul, or you once went to an Iranian restaurant and loved the kebabs, does not make you an expert in Middle East culture. Please don’t try to show off your vast knowledge of my part of the world to me, because I will be forced to make fun of you later. And do not, by any means, tell me about the Iranian neighbor you once had, or ask me if I know him, and really, don’t try out the three words you know in Persian on me. It makes you sound divooneh. Oh, is that not one of the words your neighbor taught you? Maybe you should look it up.
Dear Mom: I know, I’m a disappointment. Instead of going to medical school like a good little Iranian daughter, I have shamed you by becoming a stand-up comic. I know it’s embarrassing for you to sit amongst all those judgmental Iranian ladies who are boasting about their perfect daughters who became doctors, who married other Iranian doctors, and who will have children who all grow up to be Iranian doctors, while your daughter gets onstage and tells dick jokes to drunk strangers. But admit it Mom, you love what I do, because in the end, you can do something that none of those other ladies can. You get to forward newspaper articles, magazine spreads, radio interviews, and television clips of your daughter to all those women. You love one-upping them with e-mails linking to my media appearances, forcing them to write you back stilted e-mails about what a talented daughter you have. I know it’s the only thing that keeps you from constantly badgering me about “why the hell I do this stupid comedy thing.” So for all the grief I have been spared, I would like to take a moment to thank the Washington Post, Newsweek, PBS, NPR, and ABC.
Dear Goldman Sachs: I realize you are Very Important and the world would simply fall apart without you, but did you really have to take first dibs on the limited swine flu vaccine? There isn’t enough for schools, hospitals, children, and the elderly, yet you finagled enough for all your employees. You are a class act, Goldman Sachs. Maybe we should offer you another bailout so you can give it out again as bonuses to your millionaire executives?
Dear Friend Who Shall Remain Nameless: I really don’t need to hear about all your dates in minute detail. I might pretend to sound interested and supportive, but really, I just think you’re a dumb slut.
Let’s all try to do better next week, shall we?
Love,
Tissa
Bio
Tissa Hami is a stand-up comic. Her parents — a dentist and a software engineer — are thrilled that she is using her expensive Ivy League education to pursue a career in comedy. Tissa will perform at the Crest Theatre in Sacramento, CAon Saturday, December 5th at 8pm with the “Coexist Comedy Tour.” Visit her website at www.tissahami.com.
