Ladan: Farid joon you sit here and Guy you sit over there
beside Farid. Grandma please sit here near me
so I can serve you and keep an eye on you.
Shahla joon, you sit there beside your Dad.
Jamshid joon you sit at the head of the table so you
can carve the turkey.
Guy: This is an amazing dinner table, Mrs. Bakshesh,
and the center piece is a work of art.
You’ve gone through so much trouble.
Ladan: You are so observant Guy. Thank you.
Don’t mention it. Please.
Jamshid: Guy, what do you like to drink?
Guy: I’ll just have water, please.
Jamshid: We have pink lemonade and other colorful drinks
that you may prefer.
Ladan: We also have sparkly drinks to get some fizz in your
nostrils. I hear you guys like this kind of feelings,
being sensitive and that.
Farid: No Mom, Guy and I only drink water. Pure water and
healthy diet help us stay at the peak of our physical
shape and sexual performance.
Guy: Farid dearest, why don’t you tell your parents about
us being gay and madly in love?
At this point Ladan and Jamshid both looked as
if all their blood had been sucked out of their bodies.
They both stared at Farid transfixed.
Grandma: Now that we are telling each other our secrets, I am
going to let everyone know that Abbas Agha,
who owns the grocery store on the 16th has taken
me out a number of times and he has invited me
to go to Paris with him this Summer.
Jamshid: Mom you are 82 years old. How can you do
this to me?
Grandma: And he is only 78. Are you now going to call
me a baby snatcher? Shahla joon don’t you
also have something important to tell
your Mom and Dad?
Shahla looks very scared and uncomfortable. She looks both Jamshid
and Ladan in the eyes and with quivering voice pronounces that….
Shahla: I am pregnant.
Jamshid and Ladan in unison: What?
Shahla: With twins.
By this time Ladan has dropped her cutlery on her lap
and her twitching fingers are half sunk into the mashed
potatoes on her plate. She is unable to move.
Jamshid’s eyes are closed and he so much looks like
a man who has passed away for at least two weeks.
He looks lifeless and white as a sheet.
A second later Grandma, Shahla, Farid, and Guy all erupt into
howls of laughter. Grandma turns to her son and daughter-in-law.
Grandma: This well rehearsed skit was for our entertainment and
your education. Your education about not treating me
and your lovely seventeen year old Shahla like five
year olds. Just because I am 82 does not mean that I
am an invalid. My mind is sharp and my senses are all
functioning well, thank you very much. Give me more
space of my own so I can breathe a little. I have been
to Paris enough times and the ones I enjoyed the most
were when I was not with a man.
As for Shahla, she is not pregnant. She is going to be
18 in a month and you treat her like a prisoner in her
own home. If you believe you have done a good job
as parents and have laid a strong foundation on which
she may grow, then open your palms and let this
beautiful bird fly as she wishes. Let her sing her own
song and let her choose her own path. Knowing her
as I do, she will go straight and she will go far.
And lastly, I am glad to tell you that neither
Farid nor Guy is gay. They are as hetero……..sexual,
Ladan joon, as they come. When Farid had called you
to let you know that he was bringing his friend home,
he had said that his name was Guy and your cell
phones must have dropped a word or two and your
homophobic mind must have heard him say that he was gay!
Now can someone pass me the carrots please.
