The JAFIO Report: Happy Friggin’ 2010!

How to read this post: Very Open Mindedly. And with great patience. And make sure you’ve had your insolence shot.

…The biggest news so far this year is the “aboutfukintime” moment exhibited by Sir Jahanshah Javid ESq. the esteamed editor of this series of 1’s and 0’s arranged to simulate the printed free word.

And that word is apparently PayPal. Which isn’t a word. Yet.

The moment is that JJ finally asked us to pay our bill. He’s like that guy at the restaurant who always picks up the tab, while we order drink after drink, then appetizers, and finally screw up our orders and so punch drunk on the euphoria of free speech, we don’t even know what we’re eating. Greedy as we are, after we’re done, we puke and leave, never even offering to help pay him back.

So Here! Here! Huzzah! Yo! Ho! Ho! And aboutfukintime, to you sir! May your coffers be full o’silver, your servers de-fragged, damn the viruses! Full 20MBps-Speed ahead! Arrrrgh!

…Meanwhile this week, all of Obama’s national, homeland, and unauthorized party crasher security chiefs came back from their holiday ski vacations, to finally address the near-breach of exploding britches that almost occurred on Xmas day.

No one lost their jobs, the military fired a few missliles into the Yemeni desert, off of pilot-less drones flown by 19 year old x-Box gamers from an airconditioned non-descript office building in Las Vegas, and everyone declared that their departments did their jobs according to the manual (Manuel?), and that everything worked perfectly.

All I know is that the next time I fly, I will ask to be seated next to any Dutchman.

…And it snowed. Apparently the news that excess carbon emissions as a result of the great 20th century industrial revolution in the West, causing the earth’s temperature to rise by 2.36 degrees, has not reached the ears of Santa’s elves responsible for the fluffy white stuff.

Record breaking cold, combined with large dumps of snow, paralyzed much of the west, mid-west, central, and eastern parts of the whole world!

…meanwhile, Walmart farted and the whole retail market in the US shifted its entire holiday store decorations over to the Valentine’s day theme.

…In Iran the protesters marked a tradition of their own and removed the traditional blood soaked Ashura bandages, in preparation for the next religious martyrdom holiday, which 40 days after Ashura which I believe is, Arba’een, which commemorates the suffering of the women and children of emam Hossein’s household, who after he was killed, were marched across the desert suffering thirst and hunger and many died.

Get it?

So in case anyone’s wondering, this is the perfect holiday to continue the protests. This time JAFIO, please simply sit down and stop throwing rocks, setting fires, and baiting the Basijis for god’s sake. Just everyone sit down and when they ask you to get up, go limp, and let them spend the next week and half hauling 100,000 heavy limp non-combative peace-loving people to jail, one by one. Trust me the logistics alone will shut them down.

Oh, and someone please Google Map Khamenei’s house and let’s all meet there instead of at public squares with government sharp-shooters. With those candy whistles you used to be able to get from the corner baghali! Something tells me disrupting an old man’s sleep is not healthy.

Disclaimer: Please feel free to post cynical or humorous comments. Due to apathy, exhaustion, and boredom, any serious discussions, literal misunderstandings, irrelevant discussions, and virtual fist fighting will be therapeutic.

Meet Iranian Singles

Iranian Singles

Recipient Of The Serena Shim Award

Serena Shim Award
Meet your Persian Love Today!
Meet your Persian Love Today!