I was going through security at Budapest airport two weeks ago and the x-ray technician asked one of the customs officers to go through my backpack. I thought, oh no, what is it this time? Not my pot pipe, again, I hope. Well, it was worse. The lady pulled out my bottle of Listerine and said, “It iz a sekurity tret.” Security threat? What are you talking about? I need my Listerine! Without it, I’M a security threat!
I can imagine many friends, relatives and strangers laughing right now. They know what I’m talking about. A few years ago, as I was kissing Enayat’s cheeks to say hello at a gallery opening in San Francisco, he pulled me to the side and said, “Ahmagh! Dahanet boo goh mideh! Havaaset kojaast?!” He was being kind. At least he had the balls to warn me.
It all comes down to this. All my life I’ve been terribly careless about hygiene. Completely careless. The list of my disgusting habits is too long. And it’s only been since the beginning of this year that it dawned on me how filthy I’ve been, from head to toe. I’m 48 for god’s sake. How could I have been so absent-minded about this most basic thing in life?
This is so embarrassing. More embarrassing than all the stupid things I’ve done. And I’ve done a lot of stupid things! I mean people can forgive you for your political views, even for supporting Khomeini, at one point in your life, but BO? No way. There’s no way you could look at someone the same way once you are hit by a whiff of odor.
I was telling a friend the other day that if I saw Shirin Ebadi picking her nose in public, it would be over! I don’t care how many Nobel prizes she wins or how many lives she saves with her human rights work. If she, or anyone for that matter, stinks, I would lose all respect. And I’m sure, 100 percent positive, that I have offended many many many people in my life.
I can’t tell you why I’ve suddenly, fully, realized the extent of this disaster. I just don’t know why. I have been warned numerous times before but I have ignored them as temporary misfortunes. Oh I forgot to shower for a week. Oh I forgot to floss once a year. Oh I forgot to wash my pants for a month. Oh… dear.
I was talking to my daughter Mahdiyeh the other day about discovering my feet in the shower.
MJ: “What did you discover? Your feet?”
JJ: “Yeah. I hadn’t washed my feet for 48 years.”
MJ: “Ewwwww… gross! Ahhhhhh…Baba!”
JJ: “Yeah… Now as soon I get into the shower I start scrubbing my feet like crazy. I love it!”
MJ: “Did you have sex with any women who had foot fetish?”
JJ: “Um… yeah. At least one.”
MJ: “Ewwwwww! Oh my god! What did she do?”
JJ: “I don’t know… sucked my toes? I don’t remember exactly.”
MJ: “WHAT?!!! That’s soooo gross (laughs hysterically). Come on… tell me. Do I know her?”
JJ: “Yes, you know her. But I’m not saying who. This is highly inappropriate conversation between a father and daughter.”
MJ: “Come on! You know you want to tell me. Was it (…)?”
JJ: “No, it wasn’t her. Stop it.”
MJ: “Was it (…)?”
JJ: “No! It wasn’t her either. I’m NOT going to tell you.”
MJ: “Oh! Was it the …?”
JJ: “Noooo! It wasn’t the…”
MJ: “What about (…)?”
JJ: “No.”
MJ: “Hmm… I can’t believe how many women you’ve slept with… was it (…)?”
JJ: “How MANY? What do you mean ‘how many’?! I’m 48! (what does that mean?). Actually it was (…). You met her in New York when you came to visit me one summer when you were 13.”
MJ: “Oh… her? Poor girl…”
JJ: “We were young. We were experimenting with different things. She taught me a lot about sex.”
MJ: “Oh my god… That’s so gross!”
Gross indeed! You have no idea… I once visited a woman I was dating. I tried to kiss her and she just wouldn’t go for it. I thought maybe she’s being coy. We had not seen each other for a few weeks. She went to the bathroom and came back with a bottle of perfume. She held it close to my face and sprayed me a couple of times. “What the fuck!” I thought. What are you doing? She said my face and ears smelled. My face? My ears?! SMELL?! I couldn’t believe it. I thought she’d gone crazy. No one had complained about those particular areas before. I went to the bathroom, rubbed my hands on my oily nose and ears and… holy crap. She was right, of course. It stunk like toxic Indian food I had been eating every day for months.
I can go on and on and on. It’s so pathetic… I just realized LAST WEEK that there’s a difference between deodorant and anti-perspirant. I have been sweating like a hog in public and thinking I was just born with over-active glands that no deodorant could control. Idiot!
Why have I been so careless, seriously? It’s easy to blame my parents. I remember as a kid my mother having a hell of a time combing my hair it was so greasy and dirty. Why didn’t she kick me in the ass and throw me in the shower? I can’t really blame her or my father. My other siblings are perfectly normal as far as hygiene goes. What the hell is (was) wrong with me? Careless… careless…
Well, all I can say now is that men CAN change. Too late, but still…
Excuse me. I have to go clip my nails.
